Hello everybody!
So, some backstory regarding our relationship. We met at work about 8 years ago and became good friends. I had developed feelings for her but I’m terrible at reading signs so I figured I would just keep it to myself as I value her friendship and didn’t want to ruin anything. It was a friendship where we’d do anything for each other and talk about anything on our minds. A few years went by and she quit and we continued on hanging out or talking pretty consistently. For whatever reason, my heart told me that it was time to shoot my shot and I did. She told me she needed some time to think and about a week or so of no contact said that she didn’t want a relationship as “she was afraid she’d cheat on me”. I felt embarrassed. Mainly for even shooting my shot to begin with but to be honest partly due to her response (it made me feel insecure).
Years have gone by and we have been talking and texting. We live about 10 hours from each other now (by car or about 1.5 hrs by plane) and our friendship had grown passed that moment. She began talking about seeing me a lot and vice versa. A lot of “we” plans and plans for the future. I assumed she was just talking about this as friends. I went on to ask about the day where I shot my shot (just out of curiosity). She explained she had feelings for me back then but feels like she wasn’t mature at the time and would’ve ruined everything. Then proceeded to say she still has feelings for me now and that she has matured (which she has, she has been going to therapy and working through her stuff). I still have feelings for her. We decided to take things slow and develop this relationship. Which is great…it’s what I wanted and we’re both in a position in life where we can fly to see each other multiple times a month. This conversation happened about a month ago and over the course of the last month I’ve started to develop this feeling of being unseen or used for attention.
I make a conscious effort to compliment her and respond to the things she sends with my opinion or try to open discussion when warranted. I ask her how her day was, how she’s feeling, or how she’s been enjoying wherever she is (she travels a lot). All these things are done to spark conversation because I love talking to her. The rub is she’s very inconsistent with her responses. Often (roughly 60%) she’ll ignore what I said or asked and send me something else (insert various social media posts or news stories here). When the conversation is consistent it’s incredible but she’s been getting worse about it since we decided to work towards a future together. We’re both busy people so it doesn’t bother me if she takes awhile to text back but the ignoring what I’m even saying is honestly hurting me. She says she has been working on it because all her friends tell her the same thing, and I have noticed it very rarely in the past. I guess this is where my question comes in. I’m beginning to feel like I’m more into her than she is into me and she’s using me for attention. I feel like if I lay this out it makes me seem needy or insecure. Does anyone have any advice? How should I handle this?
TL;DR – My partner doesn’t engage in conversation or answer questions the majority of the time and it’s making me feel unseen or unwanted. I feel like I’m being used for attention. How should I handle this without seeming needy or insecure?
2 comments
Taking everything you say at face value, you’re probably right that you’re more into her than she is into you, and also that if you express that it may make you seem needy or insecure. You can still take the risk of expressing it, but it may be worth deciding whether or not you want that type of relationship.
I’m in a similar situation (very different backstory, but very similar sensations in the current time), and I’ve decided to accept it as the nature of the relationship. It’s very risky, as I’m actively closing myself off to other potential partnerships. You get to make up your own mind on this matter.
The change in your relationship status is really new. You’ve been good friends for 8 years, and now in a relationship for a month. It’s a really short time to learn new ways to communicate where you don’t have to follow “just friends” boundaries. It’s something new you both have to get used to.
Have you talked about how you would transition from friends to a romantic couple? What are you expectations, what would change? Because as boring as it sounds, these things just can’t be assumed, because of your long history of friendship, some things have to be unlearned and relearned. And a month is a really short time to do this.
Could it be that you’re getting into your head a bit with this one? Because if all her friends are expressing the same thing to her and she’s actively trying to change it, maybe it has nothing to do with you, it’s a bad habit of hers in general.