Okay so a few things:
1.) I do not care that she is ace. Not having sex with each other doesn’t affect me or our relationship imo
2.) I understand that not every a-spec person is sex-repulsed and that most are willing to engage in sex with their partners for a myriad of reasons
But that isn’t the problem. Let me explain…
Backstory: When we first started dating we were somewhat sexual with each other, but not often. She had a tendency to always tell me how much she didn’t like receiving pleasure, how sex was boring for her, and when she was pre-HRT, how much she hated her urge to self-pleasure (which has gone away since starting estrogen). Actually, HRT taking away her libido has made her very happy and I’m happy to see her happy.
But I’m a sexual person with kinks that I want to explore. I’m very into BDSM and want to learn how to be a proper Dom and have a D/S dynamic. I have wants, needs, and desires that I’d like to have fulfilled (my gf and I haven’t had sex in months). I’ve had thoughts about maybe opening up our relationship, and my gf has brought up the fact that she would be okay with that, but we’ve never had a sit down official talk about it (which I plan to have soon).
But, despite all this, she still insists on wanting to pleasure me and says that I should just go to her. The catch here is that she’s not willing to put any effort into pleasing me the way I need/want to be pleased. I don’t think it’s because she doesn’t care about me, I’m thoroughly convinced it’s because she’s in love with the idea of having that intimate moment with me but the actual action of it is something she would rather avoid.
Sex is more complex to me than what she views it as (just finger(s)-in-hole) and for this reason I believe we aren’t sexually compatible, and I’m okay with that. But how do I help her see this? What are some alternatives that we could do together that would help her get that level of intimacy without it being sex?
1 comment
You two need to have a long talk, because one or both of you is going to end up unhappy and/or hurt if you don’t, communication is the foundation of a good BDSM dynamic.