We’ve been dating for over a year. He’s [21] quite reactive and turns every small bickering into a big fight. He begins attacking my character, raising his voice, trying to video record me “sounding crazy” after provoking me (in me trying to tell him how upset I am that I often feel the need to defend myself with him bc he finds ways to turn things back on me) mocking me (has imitated me crying and then called me unhinged) and calling me many names… when it is not warranted. Every single time this happens, it’s been followed by him crying and feeling bad for what he’s done, and I end up consoling HIM. He tells me he didn’t mean any of it. I used to believe him, but after hearing the same names/belittling of my feelings over and over, I’m losing hope that we’re a good fit for each other. I feel deeply in love, but also deeply hurt. He’s a completely different and loving boyfriend otherwise, which is why I’m so conflicted. At first when this started happening, I’d do my best to nip it in the bud. I wouldn’t engage in these low blows and tried to turn the conversation back to our root needs. After awhile, I just couldn’t hold it together and now respond to his immature tactics with immature tactics of my own. I don’t know how to handle this and broke up with him in response to something really shitty that he did, but we got back together right after. I’m really disappointed in myself for acting this way and for thinking that breaking up was the best solution in the heat of the moment. I obviously hurt him a lot by doing that and have done to him what he’s done to me. I’m confused as to what it means about us as a couple if this has been the cycle. He shows so much desire to change and is taking steps to do so (cbt, books, trauma therapy) but I know it’ll take a lot of time, not just in changing the communication in arguments, but developing more patience to be able to do so. It also seems like a maturity thing, but I think that’ll take much longer to get through than he wants to admit. How much can growth and maturity truly be expedited just because you want it to happen to you? I’m worried that he’s too optimistic about how quickly he can change. Thoughts?? Thank you for reading
7 comments
This is abuse. Please leave him.
He sounds like a complete narcissist tbh, the gas lighting, the ego – he is young and I am assuming you are too. Most of us will grow out of these toxic traits but not everyone. You deserve better if he won’t change his ways.
That’s not toxic fighting styles, that’s abuse. You absolutely are not a good fit for each other, in that he is not a good fit for anyone until he learns to not be abusive. A partner is supposed to be supportive, empathetic and able to discuss disagreements and differences in a level headed way that leads to some form of solution. This isn’t a man capable of any of that. You need to get yourself out of this relationship and far away from this man before he breaks you down any more. This isn’t what relationships are supposed to be like at all and you do not have to settle for this. You are worth so much more.
Honestly, it is so tough to implement (especially when provoked) but the only persons behaviour you can control is your own. So when your partner is prodding and poking then you need to decide internally whether this is an issue worth having a big argument about or whether you would rather end the discussion – keep calm and don’t retaliate or agree for ease. Perhaps even say things like ‘I am going to take a walk/have a break from this conversation as it is spiraling and we will discuss it calmly later’.
There’s a therapist on YouTube called Mickey Atkins who does a lot of helpful tips and tricks about couples communication styles so I would recommend checking her out.
On a side note, sometimes breaking up is the best option no matter how much you love someone because if they are causing you emotional distress or triggering you to act in ways you feel bad/ashamed about afterwards then they are only damaging your ability to deal with situations effectively in the future and it really is a toxic cycle. So, as much as it hurts like hell, breaking up can sometimes be the best thing for your personal mental health. Also, they do say to look at yourself as you as a child and whether you would want to jump in and protect that version of yourself from this person and if so then you should afford your current self that level of compassion and consideration – you owe it to yourself.
My situation was a little different, but still very similar. She would provoke fights over the slightest things, say inflammatory and hurtful things, bait me to get a reaction, then gaslight me by telling me she has acted calmly through the entire fight, and I was the one who had gotten emotional and acted crazy. She had experienced some past trauma, and I stupidly convinced myself that if I tried hard enough and just gave her enough love, she’d realize she didn’t have to act this way and improve. I fell into that classic trap of seeing somebody for who I thought they could be vs. who they actually are.
Here’s a test you can try that my ex-wife failed: Try to convince him to go to therapy with you, then see if you actually notice effort and improvement on his part. This must be a sustained effort, not just a token effort, where he improves on the non-hurtful things, and only for a few weeks or months just to show you he “changed”, only to fall back into his own patterns.
I agree with the folks calling this abuse and that getting out of this situation is probably best, but I do know that every situation is unique, and if you’re interested in trying to change things, this is one way you can try. Best of luck to you.
This guy is an awful person. He’s being abuse, manipulative, and controlling. He treats you like crap and belittles you then puts on the crocodile tears so YOU apologuze
He’s abusive. Leave him.