Hello everyone!
I’m newly single and not by choice. My boyfriend M(34) of four years broke up with me F(33) and kicked me out of our house back in May after I tested positive for Chlamydia due to him being unfaithful. While I was still living in the house after the breakup I begged him to stay with me (low point, I know.) He refused and asked me to move out and so I did as I did not want to be in a home where I’m not wanted… And I wanted to avoid any conflict. Once out of the house I respected his decision of breaking up and I stopped all communication.
I didn’t have anywhere to go so I was basically homeless. Most of my stuff stayed in his house until I was finally able to rent a room somewhere. Last Saturday, I reached out for the first time so I can pick up some of my stuff. To my surprise, when I arrived at the house he was looking very nice. He showered, was wearing a button up shirt, he shaved and was even wearing cologne! He greeted me as though we were old friends who haven’t seen each other in years. He tried making conversation with me and tried to help me pack which was very annoying because it wasn’t social hour for me nor was I happy to see him… I had one thing in mind and that was to get out asap.
During this conversation he tried to have with me he didn’t ask me how I’ve been, if I’m safe, if I need anything… Nothing. Instead, he started telling me he’s been seeing someone which I showed no reaction to because I know that’s what he was after. I just told him I was very happy for him and that I hope it works out. I tried to remain very neutral throughout the entirety of my time there. He then hugs me and says he misses me… That’s when I started shedding tears. I backed away and asked him why he’s doing that knowing very well I still love him. He also started shedding tears so I went to a different part of the house to pack other items. He didn’t care about what he put me through so why would I comfort him?
I didn’t take any furniture even though we purchased everything together. I just didn’t want any reminders of his existence. I did, however, take a wire basket that I used to store some of my stuff and he told me he really liked that basket (it’s a pretty cool looking basket.)
I finally got everything out of the house and left.
Yesterday, I was getting a pedi when I received a rude text from him asking to have the basket back. At this point, I already know this isn’t really about the basket. I told him I bought it at World Market if he wants a new one. I couldn’t care less about the basket but I moved an hour away and I wasn’t about to drive back just to give it back to him. He started getting meaner about it and I replied telling him that he needs to be a little nicer to me. That I should be the one angry at him for cheating, kicking me out and giving me an STD and but instead I’ve been respectful of him and his wishes thus far in order to keep the peace so I didn’t understand where all the anger towards me is coming from. I went on to thank him for every experience we shared together and that he will forever have a special place in my heart. I told him I wish him the very best in this new chapter with this new person and I finalized the text by telling him that I would no longer reply to his text messages and that he needs to focus his time and energy in his new relationship instead.
He replied telling me he’s actually seeing three women and that two of them know they’re not the only ones and they’re competing for his time and attention and that the third one might end up being more long-term. He says he’s enjoying being single.
I did not respond.
I’m hurt by everything he has said and done to me but I respect his not wanting to be with me so I haven’t looked for him for anything other than to pick up my stuff so, I’m wondering what his deal is. I’d understand his anger if I were trying to ruin his current relationships or destroying his property but that is not the case.
I’m in love with this man and I’m smart enough to know I can no longer trust him and I would never get back with him but I want a better understanding of what he wants. What’s with the basket?! I cannot decipher his actions. Please help.
TLDR: My bf of 4 years cheated, gave me an STD, kicked me out of our home. I’ve been respectful of him and his decision but treats me like garbage as though I was the one who did all the hurt. I’m just trying to understand what his issue with me is.
29 comments
His actions don’t matter. Stop trying to decipher them. He’s looking for ways to continue to control and manipulate you. Now you get to chose whether or not you let him. You can chose not to give him any more of your time or emotional energy. Focus instead on moving on. Ask yourself what’s going on with you that you begged him to stay with you even after he cheated. Ask yourself why you didn’t demand more furniture back. Ask yourself what you’ll do next time you encounter a man like him in order to better stand up for yourself. Realize you won’t be taken in and used for so long next time. Realize the next guy will be way better because you’re in control of who the next guy is. Feel sorry for the women talking to him right now. Celebrate being free of him. The good news is he is out of your life, the reasons why he does whatever he does do not matter in the slightest. The STI you got is curable. You’re not tied to this idiot. It hurts, but you’re going to be so much better off in a few years. Then block him.
Btw, his issue is that you’re not still trying to get with him, crying, begging to be with him, etc. He wants to still have your attention and have power over you. You staying calm, cool, and collected is precisely why he’s still trying to get a rise out of you. If you react to him, he gets to tell himself he’s the victim and you’re unreasonable/ not handling things well. You walking out with maturity just reminds him of how beneath you he is.
Just block that man-boy. He’s a classic narcissist. There are better people out there. It’s good that you weren’t married. I know you don’t see it now, but this was a great blessing for you.
My ex did the same thing to me. If she had been faithful, I would have never met my wife. I never would have known what having real and carrying partner felt like.
Stay strong. Never look back. If your experience is like mine, wait for him to want to reconcile. I laughed in my ex’s face.
This guy’s oozing penis was squirting chlamydia infested semen all inside your vagina and you still care about his feelings? Girl no, you needa leave.
It’s over and you don’t need to psychoanalyze your crazy ex. You deserve better than that.
Sorry if I sound blunt/harsh. Cut your loses. I would have asked police to escort me while I grabbed my things, and would have taken my furniture but if it has bad vibes to you, that is a perfectly fine choice. This type of guy will cheat again. I recommend blocking him on your phone cuz silence speaks volumes.
The basket thing is, he is being manipulative, either wants to control your attention, have sex, or more furniture/money from you. He wants you to drive 1 hour each way so he can feel big and important, by reminding you that you are small/unimportant compared to him, which is not true. You deserve better.
He’s garbage. You can’t fathom how he could behave this way because you are NOT garbage. Block him, move on and enjoy your basket.
They’re not all like this, OP. There’s millions of good ones out there.
Block and don’t ever give him the satisfaction of you getting angry. You handled the situation well. I’m surprised he didn’t tell you how they were so much hotter and better in the boudoir than you:just to get a ride out of you. Chances are he’s not seeing anyone.
He just wants to keep you on the hook. That’s all it’s about. He wants you to want him, don’t. He’s gross.
He likes having power over you. Block him on all platforms and don’t let him know he’s upsetting you. Once he realizes that his he will leave you alone.
I bet he was always this person, he just didn’t care to hide it any more.
I had an ex like this. Dumped me as I was “too much and not enough”, showed up 6 weeks later to say he’s unsure he made the right decision, showed up another 2 weeks later to say he never loved me. Continued texting and calling after that.
I was only free when I blocked him on everything and moved.
He doesn’t love you, he loves to control you.
Stay away, seek therapy if you can and heal yourself.
You’ll be much happier in time ❤️ best of luck.
(Edit – he definitely doesn’t have 3 women fighting for his attention).
Please see a therapist asap.
He wants to be on top of everything. He wants control and power. When he saw you were not reacting to him saying he is seeing someone new he knew that he couldn’t get through you and that made him mad. Thats why he went on about he basket and saying he is seeing 3 girls. You did a good thing not replying to him.
The very absolute definition of a man who acts like a D*ck!! He did you a favor! Try to move on with your life away from that lowlife. I wish you the very best, you deserve it
Do you know why he is talking to you ? The answer is he knows he can control and manipulate you .He knows you don’t put yourself first . You showed him , he can make you his doormat. Sometimes being too nice can be one of your downfall .
Some of the lessons you should learn from this relationship is ;
1.Never apologise to cheater or ask forgiveness
2.Never show kindness to the point of being disrespected
3. Always put yourself first in relationship, prioritise your health and wellbeing
4.Cut off ties with ex ,stop replying to their message and thanking them .
His actions only matter in so much that they are blatently just attempts to jerk you around.
Deciphering any logic in his actions towards you besides “I want to fuck with her and make her feel bad” is wasted effort, because there isn’t any.
Trash guy deserves trash. Unless you plan on delivering said trash to him, better to ignore it all.
BLOCK HIM!!! Yesterday! And maybe take him to small claims court for your half of the value of the furniture.
I’ve found peace by meditating in nature. It really helps alot.
Hold on a minute. Your cheating ex is in the house that you both own? Block him, and maybe get some therapy and look after your health . He’s an ex because he’s a cheater and we all deserve better. And the real relationship you need to form is with a good lawyer so you can get your share to move on to a better, STD-free life with.
HE GAVE YOU THE CLAP, STOP BEING SO FUCKING POLITE (PLEASE)
Something I’ve learned living with drug addict and mentally ill people.
You can’t rationalize people who are not rational people.
Clearly, he’s a narcissist. If there is a girl then it’s just adding to his narcissism. We can’t comprehend true narcism like we can’t truly comprehend a true psychopathy. You cant try to rationalize his behaviour you have to just deal with your nonemotional problems first then when you’re financially more stable you can try to circle back and fix the emotional problems. You aid you were homeless until recently so you mainly should focus everything on keeping that housing and your job. When that feels secure you can move onto a new area thats problem. Kind of like a hierarchy of needs.
This is an awful person and you seriously have dodged a bullet here.
I would bill him for half of the expenses for the furniture. Tell him he can either buy you out of half, or you’ll have to split it 50/50. I know you don’t want the furniture, but you don’t deserve to lose money over someone this shitty, and furniture can be expensive.
You’re right to go no contact. This is some al*ha male bullshit behavior, and bragging about the women he’s seeing to get your attention is very……weird.
Good luck OP, i’m glad you get a chance to start over.
Honestly it sounds like he’s a pathetic, floundering mess without your attention and is doing anything he can to try and make you miserable back.
I would never reply since that’s what he wants, but personally just being the petty bastard I am I’d screenshot his texts and send them to the next woman he starts publicly dating. Fuck around find out lmfao, bragging about infidelity is an idiot move.
He is a psycho that is clearly playing with 4 different women’s heads. Stop being one of them
He’s trying to keep you in his orbit. And he’s being intentionally cruel, he was showered and shaved and dressed to put on a show and try to lure you in so that he could hurt you more. He was just looking to get any kind of response out of you and has been escalating. Learn the gray rock technique, and don’t JADE justify argue defend explain.
You already told him you weren’t going to respond, so great job. I think you overall handled that well and now just block him and move on.
Tbh, he sounds like a psychopath. He has zero remorse for anything he’s done. He isn’t the slightest bit interested in how you’ve been since the break-up. That whole bit of him dressing up when you come over to get your stuff, acting like long lost friends, then telling you about his new gf; he’s going out of his way to manipulate and confuse you. It kind of seems like he takes pleasure in getting a rise out of you.
I think the only genuine emotion you saw out of this guy was when he got angry about the basket. This man is good at pretending to be a nice guy. But when you got an STD, the jig was up so he dropped the act and now is showing you what he is REALLY like.
Manipulation 101 right here, he told you he was seeing someone because he wanted a reaction, he wanted you to be jealous, sad, angry, ANYTHING that would make him feel like he still had control over your emotions, when that didn’t work he tried specifically to make you come back to the house so he could try again (with the basket) and when that didn’t work either well- he just outright turned into a man baby ‘Im seeing 3 women!! Actually!!! And they are fighting over me!!! Oh yeah and I’m gonna date one of them yeah that will show you!!’ Its pathetic lol. keep all his messages on read from now on, do not respond and just watch him spiral into insanity with his over the top claims ✌🏻
So sorry you had to deal with that. Block him. Delete him from your life. Don’t even think about him. He really is trash. Don’t fall for his game.
Don’t give him anything else. You were already gracious enough by not taking the furniture.
Tell him to stop contacting you, block him, and move on with your life. I’m so sorry this happened to you but he’s awful.
Seriously, do not leave the lines of communication open. Even if you feel that’s “for you”. Please. He’s continuing and will continue to find things to pester you about to keep you “In orbit” for when things don’t work out with his new girl/infatuation as a back up.
This man cheated on you and gave you a disease. Keep saying that over and over again to yourself. Imagine if it had been a worse disease? He doesn’t care about you. And you need to not care about him. Don’t think about him, don’t try to work out why he did this or that.
When you start cycling? Remind yourself that he cheated on you and gave you a disease.
“This is not about the Iranian yogurt.”
His deal is he likes hurting you. It gives him a thrill to push you around. He wants to make you miserable. He’s not a nice person.
I get you are trying to be the better person, but stop wishing him well in his relationships. You don’t need to emotionally support him anymore, and frankly he doesn’t deserve it, and he certainly doesn’t appreciate it.
Just block him and turn your back on him. Save your energy for yourself.