I love my wife, I don’t want a side chick. I’m very frustrated sex is this important to me. Masturbating helps about 5min. Feels like I’m loosing my sanity over something that shouldn’t be this important!

I work out, I work way too much, I have hobbies. How do you just live your life?

38 comments

  2. Are you guys raising kids? Have you had a serious conversation with her about this?

  4. Women aren’t like men. The deeper in a relationship, the deeper the connection. Make it less about sex and more about her. Find what makes her tick. Make her happy. I managed to revive the bedroom , and it wasn’t easy but now that I found the key, which wasn’t sex but communication mainly, I can say I’m back in my prime and she is loving it more and more. Went from once a week to almost daily; sometimes even have to say no myself.

    Most important tip I can give is this; she probably doesn’t even know herself what’s wrong. You have to guide her and for that, you need to build trust.

  6. Go read and follow the book

    [No more mr nice guy](https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-audiobook/dp/B078927ZYL/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=58838717969&gclid=Cj0KCQjwrs2XBhDjARIsAHVymmSJ9OlFDUSunAMi83ydhS9g_vR3T3X9u7Z3CaOv5VQCjvCwg5vzHB8aAnxMEALw_wcB&hvadid=409992140113&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=9005938&hvnetw=g&hvqmt=e&hvrand=6244558886026272693&hvtargid=kwd-354509384287&hydadcr=15175_11424788&keywords=no+more+mr+nice+guy&qid=1660172494&sr=8-1)

    I’ll tell you how some find success.

    Immediately Stop asking. Stop initiating. Do not discuss it. Do not bring it up.

    Is she on new medications? Are you working too much? Are you putting in as much effort into the relationship as you are in your work life? Check the boxes of the relationship.

    Have you been providing daily acts of affection? Nothing to do with sex, but affection. Hugs. Holding her hand etc. Not for a day or two but consistently. Not one big grand gesture, but small daily acts.

    Remember. Check those boxes.

    If you have gone through this and nothing changed, then start taking alone time. Get out of the house amd go for day trips alone. Don’t hover. Just tale time away. Keep doing it.

  7. Maybe have an open honest conversation about what has changed? If her libido was higher but now is basically non existent maybe some things in life have become too stimulating?

    I used to have an insane sex drive, practically always ready to go. However it definitely doesn’t exist more than once a week now. I’m constantly caring for our son, a dog, 2 cats and the household. by the time kiddo goes to bed I am massively over stimulaed and can’t handle the thought of being touched more.

  8. Can you bring her libido back with other methods? Idk if you have kids – I’m a wife. my husband’s idea was to go out and buy me a sex toy. He wrapped it up and left it out for me to open. There was a little note attached to it that said “I did some research and this one comes highly recommended”. After a week or two, he asked me if I had used it and we talked about it. And then a couple weeks later he asked if he could watch me use it – it opened our sex life back up and we have sex several times a week now. I think it was him showing me how much he cared about my pleasure whether or not he was involved. Just an idea.

  9. i’m not a man but you might like the perspective of a woman,
    when house chores start to get overwhelming or i’ve been feeling unappreciated/sad/whatever my libido goes down, being a sahm to a toddler also would make me super tired every day
    one day my husband sat me down and asked what I needed of him (didn’t mention sex in any way) and I was open and honest with him, now we have sex about 3-4 times a week, once a week if we’re having a long week
    also when our sex life starts to die down a little he asks if it’s because i’m feeling a type of way towards him or if it’s just me being tired. sometimes just asking and seeing him actually want to help me not just for sex gets me in the mood.
    sometimes he’ll clean the whole house and change all the diapers for that day so as a thank you, i’ll do things I don’t normally like to do in bed for him because I appreciate the amount of effort he put in cleaning everything alone.

  10. A healthy sex life isn’t just important- its fundamental to good mental and physical health, mate. You have every right to want this from your life partner. But at the same time no one has to have sex if they don’t want to…

    But clearly something is up so you two have to figure that out. And look at workable solutions maybe??

  12. It makes me happy to see that I’m not the only person in this exact same spot. Wtf are we. Doing? Where do we go from here?

  14. “Come As You Are” by Emily Nagoski is a great resource for this. In it, she details that everyone has sexual brakes and accelerators. The trick is to identify them, figure out how to ease up on the brakes, and then you can start thinking about how to put the foot on the accelerators. This works for individuals as well as couples, and there is a companion workbook full of exercises that guide you to learn your specific brakes and accelerators.

    Sheila Wray Gregoire of “To Love, Honor and Vacuum” is a Christian author who bases all her writing in serious science, and she’s recently partnered with a university to conduct studies in sex and relationship satisfaction in married couples. She’s found consistently that when intimacy is high in the relationship and sex is mutually satisfying, the frequency problem takes care of itself.

    Any approach you take is going to require open, nonjudgemental communication from both of you. Hopefully some good talks and resources help you create the relationship that works for both of you 🙂

  15. You have to make her feel desired but not in an overtly sexual way, you have to be romantic.

    It’s a fucking minefield.

  16. Unfortunately this happened to me, I asked, she always had an excuse and I got tired of basically asking and begging so we then just didn’t for almost 3 years. Just got divorced.

  17. Very tough subject to break down to one solution but I will tell you this if you do nothing then nothing will change

  18. Woman here, but if I might recommend the book “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski.

    I’m halfway through myself, and it has been very enlightening and provided a new way to think about arousal and wanting sex. Some chapters aren’t going to be totally necessary for you, since it focuses on women’s anatomy, but I think the information on sexual arousal is true for men and women, and can help us understand ourselves and our partners better, and give a starting point to a conversation.

    The main idea is that everyone has two parts to their arousal – a sexual accelerator and sexual brakes.

    The accelerator is everything that makes you want to have sex right now. everyone has different buttons, but examples – feeling attractive (new outfit, makeover, etc), being paid attention to positively by your partner, knowing you have alone time planned, having time to talk with/be romantic with your partner, etc.

    The brakes are everything that makes you not want to have sex right now – being in a fight with your partner, having stress from work, being tired, afraid of getting pregnant, afraid of disappointing your partner in bed, etc.

    all of these things have to take context in mind too, though. tickling can be playful and an accelerator, or can be extremely irritating and a brake, depending on the situation.

    but by reducing the amount of things pushing the brakes and increasing the amount of things pushing the accelerator, you’ll be more in the mood.

    The book explains it better and more nuanced. The author also has a TLDR after every chapter, so if there is something interesting you want to being to your wife’s attention, you could share with her the TLDR.

  19. going to make an assumption here, don’t kill me if does not fit your situation.

    In my experience, if she starts feeling like she is doing all the household work, mental load (remembering birthdays, special occasions/planning for them, booking things, being romantic), taking care of the kids all the time (if you have them), and you are going to work, coming home & never doing household work without being asked, never doing tasks like grocery shop/make food, etc, she isn’t going to want to have sex.

    all of my relationships die when I morph into the “mom” and not the partner. I didn’t sign up to take care of a man like a mother, I expect a partner. If that partner isn’t putting in the work in the mundane, I don’t feel like they value me/my contributions. Libido dies.

  20. This is coming from a woman but I’ve been in relationships where the bedroom died off and it’s generally because sex isn’t enjoyable, no more foreplay, the men would just get their business done and I would get almost no pleasure out of the experience. I’m not saying this is the case but maybe it is. Maybe you need to work on the romance part of your relationship to rekindle the fire in the bedroom. Doing nice things for her, dates, make out with her and don’t always make it lead to sex, oral without her having to reciprocate or any expectation thereof. Make her want you, don’t just expect sex. And when you do have it make sure it’s enjoyable for her.

  22. Tried to fix it, didn’t improve over the years, led to resentment, and then I left

  24. Anyone else feel like every man is going through this? And my friends are mid 20s and not even married.

  25. Woman here.

    My husband and I are just getting over this. We had a sucky sexlife for the last 2 years. I felt like I was being taken advantage of (cooking, cleaning, yard work, child discipline, literally everything-he wouldn’t even get up to grab his plate I fixed him). And, the only time he touched me was when he wanted sex. I didn’t get hugs, snuggles, or anything. He just went straight to the boobs. On top of all this, the sex we did have was the same exact sex we’ve had for 12 years.

    So I talked to him. It was a really rough conversation but man did it pay off. We’re both doing better, have expanded our bag of toys, and most importantly, we are regularly communicating again.

  26. That is a tough subject to handle… Lack of sex and dead bedroom is something that destroyed my self-steem, and my last relationship… And we weren’t even married.

    I loved her, but I got so sexually frustrated from the lack of sex and physical interaction I started to resent her.

    On the bright side, that helped me see a whole bunch of red flags I purposedly ignored due to being in love..

    I still love her, but I don’t wanna get back together.

  28. Talk. Not married but with my partner for 12 years. Had a rough patch for a year or two and decided to sit her down and talk to her openly about any issues we might be having that have caused a limited bedroom. She fixed her side and I fixed my side and weve been having sex nearly every day for the last 2 years.

  30. I have been consistent on other posts like this about what it took to change the sex in my marriage after about 15+ years married. Her libido was changing, kids, life ,etc made sex less frequent. Toss in some marital spats and then it became non existent for long stretches (months), which only added to the frustration. I would pursue, get denied and then I would give up to avoid being turned away. Wash, rinse, and repeat. I finally gave her an ultimatum – either we fix it or I will stray. I wasn’t lying, I was communicating what I was feeling and what would eventually happen.

    I had read about MDMA being used for couples therapy (PTSD, etc), and talked with others who were into THC gummies , etc. and she was willing to try. I get some, and one night we take the MDMA, and whatever resentment/frustrations had piled up were instantly gone, and it was an all nighter of sex, cuddling, I love you affirmations, etc. That was the spark when she realized her fire was still there burning white hot. Almost 5 years later now, and with continued recreational experimentation (she likes low dosage gummies), I can say our sex life is the best it has ever been. Last February she even wanted to try and have 28 orgasms total in the month – we hit 7 for her the first weekend. However, we failed, but damn if we didn’t try to hit that number. She now realizes that as she has gotten more mature (not old), she can be way more free with her body and explore her sexual desires. She even does edging now so she can have even more intense orgasms, rather than volume. I am a willing participant for whatever she wants because she is way happier on a daily basis, I am too, and our marriage is strong AF.

    And to all those who think I should have been listening to what “she” wanted or needed before trying the party goods, I tried everything. She didn’t know what she wanted and that was the problem. She just needed to get comfortable with the idea that she can be a total slut with her husband, whilst also her knowing she is a good respectable person the rest of the time.

  31. You’re frustrated because sex is actually important in a long term relationship. It can’t be the only thing but when it’s missing, it’s definitely felt. It’s such a weird cultural predicament that people say “sex shouldn’t be so important in a relationship” but also “sex is so important that its something you’re not allowed to do with anyone else”. If you’re not allowed to do it with others then by virtue of its exclusivity it’s really fucking important to the agreement. It’s part of the foundation of monogamous relationships. There’s only so much culture can do to shape behaviour, at the end of the day we are only human and we have needs.

  32. One helpful tip that worked for us is for the person who is feeling in the mood to ask, “Hey do you feel like getting in the mood?” instead of “Hey do you want to have sex?”

    That way, the expectations are low and enjoyable. It feels good to be touchy and intimate without the pressure of it HAVING to lead to something. Feeling an expectation or pressure will hinder arousal, but taking time to just be together and be open might help you.

  33. My wife and I have tried lots of things. Planned date nights, drops that are supposed to make her horny, sex toys, changing contraceptions, role play. But eventually nothing works. We have sex once a month or less with the odd BJ. she bought me a tenga sex toy. It’s awesome and it helps a lot but it’s not enough. It’s the only issue in an otherwise 100% perfect relationship. Regular sex is important to me. Dunno what to do but i would always choose her over sex. She suggested a mistress if things don’t pick up in the next 5 years. Not my ideal situation and Im not sure I’d try it but its sweet she understands and wants me to be happy

  35. This may be a tad offtop and I´m sorry but having read so many comments about men still wanting sex after so many years while women do not, raises a question I would like to have answered before I get married: is it possible that men are made to want/have sex all their life while women (after children anyways) tend to not?

    (For me as a non-married young man a dead bed room in a marriage is news so sorry if the question is stupid)

  36. Lots of porn.. and working towards divorce to hopefully find someone else to enjoy.

  37. Would need to find the reason why you both have different sex drives?

    Low vs. high libido?
    Sexual incompatible?
    Not feeling loved/sexy?
    Psychological component?

    Need to talk to her and get her perspective. Does she know your frustration?

  38. Sigh… I’m not a man but I feel like I want to answer anyway.
    I was in your situation. My husband had no libido. We did what everyone suggested which is talk, communicate, casual touching, etc. None of it worked. He didn’t want sex with me unless I begged and I was a grown adult and done begging.
    With begging, we’d have sex maybe one to three times a year. I did that for about seven years, because I loved him, we had a kid together…. When I stopped begging, we went about three years without sex.
    I asked to open our relationship. He got pissed off. Said no one else could touch me other than him. I said but you aren’t actually touching me?? He didn’t care. I finally divorced him.

    Why am I posting this?

    Because sometimes you can fix it. You can talk. You can reconnect. And sometimes you just can’t. It’s not your fault. And don’t lie to yourself like I did that it isn’t important. Affection and sex is incredibly important. Just don’t use it as an excuse to cheat. Either get her on board for you, on board for open relationship, or get yourself off board.

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