my boyfriend almost always tells me “i’m so lucky that i found someone so hot that i don’t need to use porn anymore” plus some compliments when i send him nudes. last weekend, he asked me to use his phone for him to search up something.
lo and behold, porn is actively open. i don’t have a big issue with porn, just that i don’t want to know about it, don’t want to see it or don’t want to talk about it unless there is something he really wants to try out. now if he didn’t hype me up and say he never used porn, i would have given his phone back and said to him, “hey babe, just so you know there was porn open on your phone, just reminding you of my boundary. thanks babe love you.” since knowing he lied, i feel so unsettled and upset and i don’t know how to even start conveying my feelings. i feel upset because he lied and now i don’t know what to believe like does he actually think i’m hot or was he lying about that too.
has anyone else been in a similar position? any boyfriends/husbands out there that have said they don’t watch it but do? anybody out there can give me reasonable advice on the issue cause i am kinda distraught?
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I would take a few minutes to calm down so that way I wasn’t saying anything that I was going to regret. Then maybe even jot down the main points that you want to say to him so that it doesn’t get lost In the Heat of the Moment, and then I would just kind of tell him like you told us that you wouldn’t care normally about the fact that he has porn on the phone except for the fact that he lied about it and that the lying not the fact that his watching porn, kind of upsets you and hurts your feelings.
“Hey, the other day when you handed me your phone, I saw that there was porn open on it. This was hurtful to me because we’ve talked about my boundaries around seeing porn, and also because you previously told me you weren’t using porn anymore, so I feel confused and lied to. Can we talk about this?”
Keep in mind that there’s nothing wrong with porn usage. It’s the lying and boundary-crossing that are the problems. Shaming his porn usage during this conversation will just send him into a spiral so it’d be best to focus on what he actually did wrong here.
I’m 21M, I do it, butttt I think I could have an addiction not too sure, in a happy relationship with good sex, sometimes I just feel the need to stroke it without the bother to my s/o if she seems tired or busy
This is likely a dumb guy assumption that he was expected to lie or that he was complimenting you and building you up like a “good guy” would. Not at all justifying the lie, but I know men who would think this way. I think you need to confront him about the lying, being sure he knows the porn usage is not the issue. But you are not so fragile that you need him to make false claims and keep secrets, and that lying is a breech of trust you can’t abide. It’s worth a discussion.
What’s the big issue? Most men watch porn…
He shouldn’t have lied to you when it comes to porn but even then I wouldn’t be too upset over it. People watch porn all that time and even though your nudes are there for him, porn is very different. I would calm down and talk to him about it and see what happened and how he feels and reach a compromise.
Just simply start watching porn around him… let him “catch” you doing the same thing…Look up some crazy stuff & leave it where he can find it.. when he ask’s you just tell him exactly what he said to you… word for word.. It could be a life lesson not to lie😂
What’s the boundary? He needs to talk to you about his porn usage? That’s why he lied.
He’s wrong for lying, and you can set any boundaries you want. But I personally wouldn’t like to have to report back to someone when I watch porn. When I masturbate, which is usually when I watch porn, it’s me time. I masturbate to various things, whatever I want to at the time.
I suspect that the lie about “not needing porn” was so that he wouldn’t have to have frequent convos about what he watched. You have to deal with the lie obviously, but I feel like concerning yourself so much with the porn he’s watching is setting yourself up for more discord.
maybe you are hurt because he made a promise no one can keep. your ego is hurt maybe also. but, so many people do it, i dont think its good, but its a thing in society now.
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dont make it too big, the longer you stay angry the longer you have bad feeling. talk with him without judging, maybe tell him you know he watches porn and you cant stop him. but you dont want him to make promises that he cant keep and be honest always. better speak up then linger in the pits of eternal shame, it becomes a wedge between people.
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dont close up, stay open.
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now go, fly into the world together! MAKE ME PROUD
I’d ask him why he lied. I have a feeling that he probably lied just to make you feel better, but it’s best to hear from him what his reason was.
If it was to make you feel better I’d have a real stern conversation about how lies like that are harmful in the long run and set a boundary about them.
If it was because he didn’t want you digging into his porn habits or wasn’t sure if you’d be okay with him watching it then I think you’ve got a bit more of a problem on your hands.