My boyfriend is a very passive person, and is really bad at making decisions for himself. In the past we’ve had conversations that he’s brought up about how it seems like his life is something that is just “happening” to him, instead of something that he is driving the course of with his own wants and goals.
He’s talked about how he studied engineering because that was just what was expected of him, although he didn’t truly know what he wanted to do, so he just did that. His job, which he got after college was just the 1st place that gave him an offer. He got the job offer pretty early on his senior year and he really could’ve sent out more resumes and really looked at what was out there and what interested him. But all he did was send out maybe 2 applications and then got this offer and accepted. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a GREAT job, but he didn’t even try to see the other options and if this is what he actually wanted to do. He’s said before he still doesn’t know what he really wants to do with his life, but his job is fine. All be it very hard and stressful. This is just another example of him just letting things “happen” to him.
This is where I’m worried. We met in college, and when we met he hadn’t dated anyone in years. His classes were mainly male dominated and most of his friend group were guys. Then my roommates and I started assimilating into the friend group. I was definitely interested in him and I think he could tell. I can’t for the life of me remember who actually showed interest first though. I always thought that we both kind of developed feelings at the same time, but now I’m worried I showed interest first and he just went along with it because it was “fine.” I’m just worried I’m another thing that “happened” to him. Instead of him actually really wanting me.
I’m worried that I’m just along for the ride until one day he finally feels some sort of passion for his life and decides what he has going on is all wrong for him. Or that I just live out my days with a guy who is just “fine” with how things are, but not truly happy and not knowing that this is what he wants for sure. I’m not sure which would be worse.
TLDR: my boyfriend just lets his life “happen” without truly knowing what he wants and I’m worried that I just “happened” to him and he doesn’t even WANT want me
8 comments
So?…. If he wasn’t like that then you’d have never met at all.. his whole life would be different…
Does he say that he loves you? Does he show that he loves you? If he does you shouldn’t worry. But honestly if you want to truly know you just have to ask him
Well, I’ll say this because it sounds like I may be very much like your boyfriend. I’m about a decade older than you two and have been like this my whole life. Things mostly happen to me, and I’m fine with it, things are good. I’m an engineer, I got a good job (that I don’t love), a house (which I’m pretty indifferent to), hobbies I enjoy (but don’t consume my heart or soul). I’ve been repeatedly broken up with for having a lack of drive, ambition, and passion in my partner’s eyes… And that may be true. It took going to therapy to discover this is just sort of how I am, that I primarily value security and loyalty in my life. I’m not chasing things because I have everything I could need/want. It takes things being pretty bad to change them because I value what I have. I may not overly pursue my partners but I value them very highly, and in my eyes much higher than my friends who chase passion after passion. If that passion was so great, why do you have a new one? How can you have so many? That baffles me. That’s my 2 cents. If you need a partner to have yearned for you, to chase and pursue you, then yeah you probably aren’t with the right person assuming they are similar to me.
I’m a woman but also pretty similar to your husband. I’m married to my 2nd boyfriend going on 8 years of marriage. I’m a software engineer, and I also took the first job offer I got my senior year, although am no longer there.
I always think of myself like if I was on the TV show Next, I don’t need to see what else is on the bus, I’m happy with the 1st one.
I’ve talked about this with my therapist and she says my anxiety makes me very risk averse, but that also makes me a very loyal partner.
I think if your boyfriend loves you and treats you well, you don’t have to worry if he just fell into the relationship or not. I still view marriage as a choice I make every day and I’m very dedicated to working through challenges.
I think it’s fair to voice your insecurities to your boyfriend and see if he’s able to reassure you of how he feels.
The interesting thing about life is trying to see things from someone else’s perspective. Quite literally, it’s impossible. Because you don’t have the relevant feelings and data to back that walk in someone else’s shoes up. You always input your observations and experiences with life as an overlay on their feelings.
So you’re imagining his life THROUGH YOUR EYES. Maybe every day you wake up he’s all that consumes your thoughts. How happy you are with him, how much you want him emotionally, how much you want him physically. It’s disney, romantic, drippy. All consuming. Then of course you worry that he couldn’t possibly/doesn’t match those feelings, because after all, love is a contest right?
Not everyone feels like that. If he’s the personality type I would wager he is, it’s impossible for you to be “all he’s ever dreamed of”, simply because he hasn’t dreamed of it. That’s not a bad thing. Just because something is comfortable and fulfilling doesn’t mean everyone has the emotional capability for it to knock their socks off. Just because he views life differently than you do doesn’t mean he’s not equally invested or in love.
Ultimately, it sounds like you are worried that he will either eventually stumble into a “better option” or that he will lose feeling for you over time and stay. Those two statements are possible with any partner, regardless of how they feel/show emotion.
If you feel that he is honest, ask him. Tell him it worries me that I’m just an event in your life and not something you actively would pursue if given the option. See what he says.
when somebody has passion for YOU, you can feel it. when somebody deliberately chooses you, you will notice.. i fully believe anyone who really likes somebody will show it in their actions. they may not even typically be “that type” of person, but when you meet your person, all bets are off. true love naturally takes you by the reigns and drives you towards that person.
the problem is exactly what your boyfriend struggles with- we often get so stuck on letting life pass us by without stopping to really analyze and reflect on the choices we have in front of us. oftentimes it’s easier to be comfortable than to pursue what happiness really looks like in our individual lives, and so i do think a lot of people get stuck in the trap of settling.
with that being said, and i don’t mean to be harsh, but yes, the relationship is most likely convenient and easy enough and comfortable. at the same time, that doesn’t mean it can’t be nice and pleasant and enjoyable. the reality of the situation is that somebody who truly is interested in you will court you and pursue you and nurture your relationship, they’ll want to breathe life into it and you won’t have to question if you were an option or a choice, because you’ll feel it.
if what you are looking for is passion and you don’t feel it from his end, and you feel as though his actions don’t reflect those of an enamored partner, nobody can say that one day he won’t eventually want to get up and see what and who is out there that really lights up his heart. but in that case, you deserve much, much more more anyways- you deserve somebody who doesn’t make you question whether or not they truly value the relationship.
> I’m just worried I’m another thing that “happened” to him. Instead of him actually really wanting me.
Does he do things that actively express his desire for you? How does he show love and affection? You’ve talked a little about how your relationship started, but not at all about how your relationship currently *is*.
He’s not gonna up and become an assertive / non-passive person randomly, so I don’t think you need to worry about that aspect.