Hello… I’m posting this on a new account… what I’m going to say is very weird I just need somewhere to talk…
For context, I am a female and 19 years old. I’m a lesbian and have a lot of shame and embarrassment for the way I am.
I’ve never consentingly done anything with anyone. I’ve never kissed anyone, hugged anyone, held hands, absolutely nothing. The only thing I’ve experienced was being sexually abused almost every day of my childhood.
I grew up in an extremely abusive family and never knew that love didn’t mean being raped as a kid, and was absent from a lot of feelings growing up. I knew I was a lesbian since I was 10, even growing up in the Middle East.
However in the last couple of months I’ve been feeling a lot of new feelings. I find myself fantasising about women… ALL THE FUCKING TIME. about kissing them and having them cuddle me and even having sex. I’ve always had crushes on girls and found them attractive, but these other feelings are very new to me and I don’t know what to do with them.
I’ve started masturbating a few months ago and do it every single day now. I feel so very ashamed and embarrassed cause I’m always thinking of a girl… I’ve spent my most of my life thinking romance and sex just wasn’t for me but now I realise that I do want it… just with a girl.
I feel horny a lot of the time and it is really overwhelming me… I feel embarrassed and weirded out from myself…
A few nights ago I was feeling super horny but I got super embarrassed so I just went to sleep. Then I had a super sexual dream where another girl was eating me out. I woke up sobbing from embarrassment because I realised how much I enjoyed it… physically, even, I was so fucking wet. What’s wrong with me?? Why do I keep thinking about sex?? Why is it when I push the feelings away they come up really intensely in dreams?
I feel so bad that I masturbate even tho I really enjoy it… but I always feel guilty afterwards… I’m so curious to know what it’s like to touch a girl and kiss a girl and eat each other out and even what a dildo feels like. But no one will ever do that with me…
Especially when I get high my hornyness is just through the roof. I touch myself for hours and think of a beautiful woman eating me out. I get so incredibly wet whilst high even without touching myself. Just the thought of another woman makes me into a puddle.
A part of me thinks I should ignore the shame and embarrassment and continue to masturbate and discover these feelings… but the overwhelming majority of me feels super ashamed. Which is why I think I masturbate so passionately whilst high, because im more free and able to let go.
I really don’t know what is wrong with me or if being this horny is a severe problem… I really just don’t know. Any guidance would be appreciated:) thank you for anyone who read this
13 comments
It is your body, your mind, your enjoyment. All of the other stuff one can leave behind! Enjoy your existence. It is the one thing we got
Nothing is wrong with you. You discovered ur interest in sex and you’re exploring it. Most people do that.
Sorry you were abused. Have you considered a therapy?
The horniness sounds healthy and good, and it’s OK to make yourself feel good. The guilt and shame are the problem so try to work on them snd I hope you manage to meet someone and experience those feelings you want so much.
This is 2022! Go meet a woman! Be happy!
Ok, first off, I have great news: your libido is normal!! You are at an age where it is very, very common to be horny all the time–trust me, most of your peers and friends are the same way, they just don’t show it!
However. You were the target of some truly horrific abuse as a child, and your feelings around sex and sexuality are definitely affected by that. The level of shame you feel makes sense for someone who has been through what you have. I want to be very clear–you DO NOT NEED to feel that level of shame, and it is MORE THAN OK to NOT be ashamed of your sexuality, but it is also COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDABLE that you do feel this way!! You have been through hell and came out the other side, and it is ok to not be ok! In fact, I think you are incredibly strong to be opening up about these feelings.
I also think, although it can be really helpful to talk to strangers on the internet due to the anonymity, that having a real therapist to talk to is amazing. I mostly just vent to mine, and I feel really safe telling her personal stuff, where sometimes on the internet people aren’t so good at listening. 🙂
Good luck, I’m rooting for you!
Everything you’re going through is healthy, natural and completely normal. You’re a young woman with raging hormones who wants to explore her sexuality. You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Everybody goes through this.
I dont know where in the middle east you live though if they are not accepting of gay or lesbian relationships there you may want to move somewhere else. The amount of people I’ve heard from that moved out of these backwards, repressive countries and were finally able to accept themselves, find a same sex partner live a happy life has been inspiring. Stopping yourself from being who you are will only cause much sadness. You only have one life. Make it count. Find the woman of your dreams, fall in love and have lots of fun sex while you share a life together!
I hope you meet a kind, loving girl who can make your dreams come true and that you can learn to love and accept yourself and your sexuality. My daughter is a lesbian and her sexuality has never caused me to adore her any less.
Good luck!
I am so sorry you had to go through that. I don’t think its my place to say anything but as a healthcare professional I would ask you to get professional help
It works wonders
Take care and all the support to u ❤
Oh and the masturbation and fantasies are also completely normal. I love it.
Girl… there’s nothing wrong with you.
You are staring to feel what your heart wants.
You are so young, let yourself explore new horizons.
Don’t feel ashamed of being human, sex is part of us.
Don’t worry, relax and enjoy.
Give yourself time to explore, to feel, to meet.
Another girl will come, take your time.
Eventually everything will be as you thought
There is nothing wrong with you and you are perfectly normal. I guess that in your culture it is shameful to be a lesbian but there is nothing wrong with it. It is as natural as being a blonde or a brunette.
I don’t know how safe it is for you to explore a relationship with other women, but I hope that you are able to do so.
Youre 19, of course you masturbate youre a teen full of hormones!! Youre not disgusting nor an embarrassment for liking girls. You like what you like and you feel what you feel. Are you hurting anyone? No. Youre discovering what you like and thats awesome. Never feel ashamed of yourself for feeling pleasure and wanting love, never. You deserve it. Liking girls isnt bad, if you like them and they like you just have fun and enjoy each other once you find someone! Youre an incredible person and you should be proud of yourself. Keep on masturbating and having fantasies bc one day theyll become true and youll be able to fully enjoy as much as you can!
Im so sorry to hear you were abused that way, I hope youre far away from that situation now and if not i wish for you to get out of it soon.
When I was 19 I used to masturbate every time I am alone.