So I (M22) have a close friend (Anne fake name F21) who I’ve been friends with for over 8 years. We dont have any “intimate history” at all beyond being friends apart from the fact I had a crush on her when I was 14. She didn’t know anything about it then, and I never made any moves, or acted on it whatsoever becuase it was just another crush. Anyways since then it’s been your typical platonic friendship, we meet up once every couple of months and chat every now and again, I’d definitely consider her one of my closest friends.
So me and my long distance gf (kate fake name F19) were dating for nearly a year and a half. At the start of the relationship she mentioned how a guy having a “girl bestfriend” was a red flag because she believes the gf should be the best friend and although she doesn’t have a problem with her bf having female friends, them having a girl bsf is a boundary of hers which she made clear. I didnt think much of it and agreed because I always saw Kate as my bestfriend ever since meeting her, and would only think of her when I thought of “who my bestfriend is”
Fast forward to recently and Anne texts me on a Wednesday saying “hey I’m going through some shit, I’d really appreciate a guys perspective on the matter, are you free to meet up” (she was having issues with her bf and wanted another guys perspective on the matter) I was busy but said I can meet up on Friday. Later that same day I let my gf know about this to which she doesnt say much about. The next day (thursday) Anne texts me saying she’s called in for work and can’t meet up to which i was fine with. I also let me Kate know this.
Friday rolls around and kate brings up how I wouldve met up with Anne today. And says how “going to meet up 1 on 1 with another girl to talk about her personal issues sounds like something only bestfriends do” to which I tell her that’s not the case, and I’m just helping a friend out as I’d do with any friend. Kate doesn’t buy it and says that I’m violating her boundaries and I or Anne have no respect for her and this relationship, and that I “shouldnt be entertaining a close relationship with another woman and being their therapist”. Kate brings up the fact I had a crush on Anne when i was 14, the fact I got matching rings with Anne and another friend for fun (which happened 2/3 years before I met Kate, and something i hardly wore), the fact i said i would consider Anne one of my bestfriends if kate wasnt in the picture, and a incident where I didn’t have an issue with a female friend grabbing my arm upon greeting me to prove her point about me being careless, reckless and not considering/respecting her boundaries.
Kate feels betrayed and feels I have violated her boundaries and have absolutely no respect for her, and now believes there’s something more going on between me and Anne, saying that Anne is “posessive over me”, has this “hold over me”, and that ” i should just date her since i clearly care about her more” when there isn’t anything going on at all. Me and Anne have hung out maybe 4 times while I was in this relationship and Kate never expressed any issues with me meeting up with her then but this was the first time Anne asked to meet up to talk about something personal she was going through, which is why kate is now bringing it up as an issue.
I’ve got feedback from some friends and others that have pretty much said the same thing but I’d still like to hear what other unbiased people think. Did I really screw up, is she justified in how she feels and what she thinks? And how should I go about it? If there’s more questions you’d like to ask I’d be happy to answer.
Tldr: A close female friend texted me asking me if we could meet up because she was going through something, but my gf says that’s violating her boundaries and I have no respect for her for considering to meet up with that friend to help with what she was going through.
3 comments
>I got matching rings with Anne and another friend
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> i said i would consider Anne one of my bestfriends if kate wasn’t in the picture
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Oh, I’m sure you’ll get plenty of comments defending your position, promoting “opposite sex friendships” and even bashing “Kate”. I’m not one of them.
Kate established one of her boundaries from the get…
I think “Kate” has the impression that if “Anne” was available and interested, you would be as well. I get that impression, too.
Your situation is stereotypical “friends turn to more”…
I hope “Kate” was serious and not fronting…
>she mentioned how a guy having a “girl bestfriend” was a red flag
First off, having friends and viewing women as people (instead of just objects of desire) are not red flags.
>saying that Anne is “posessive over me”
From what you’ve said, that’s pure projection. Kate is the one who’s possessive, not the friend you occasionally spend time with.
>Tldr: A close female friend texted me asking me if we could meet up … but my gf says that’s violating her boundaries
If this is a boundary she has (rightly or wrongly) then you two aren’t a good match. She should find someone to be with who better suits those boundaries, and you should look for someone who doesn’t consider your friendships to be dealbreakers. Don’t twist yourself or your life to suit what someone wants from a partner; find someone who wants you as you are.
I can’t believe in a world where people are fighting over pronouns~ he or she can somehow be improper~ women get pissed about any gender being friends with another gender. shit, I hesitate to use the words..
another gender.