So, I had a 3rd date with a guy from the apps and we ended up having sex on my sofa. Afterwards, I requested him to leave as it was already past 11pm. He was very surprised and said he thought it’d be okay if he slept over. I politely refused but he did definitely make me feel bad for asking he leaves.
Also, he seems to be forgetting details I already told him about myself. Eg. I told him I have a daughter and he keeps asking if my child is a boy or a girl.
He’s not asking any questions to get to know me better, but is a consistent communicator.
Should I keep seeing him or cut my losses?
34 comments
Kicking me out after sex at 11pm would solidly put you into the FB category – if that’s your aim, well played.
As for not asking questions, and not remembering the answers, I guess that would be consistent with FB. Then again, do you remember his favourite colour/dish/dog breed?
Everyone has their own feelings about early sleepovers. It’s best to discuss beforehand. Personally, if I’m willing to have sex with someone, I’m willing to let them sleepover.
Maybe he’s forgetful, maybe he’s not paying attention. I have no idea.
Whether or not you want to continue is really something you have to figure out. You seem put off by him. If I was put off, I wouldn’t keep dating them.
As someone who is firmly in the sex means a sleepover camp, I can understand his confusion.
However I completely understand why you are not comfortable with that yet.
So it seems like a basic misunderstanding tbh, and the forgetting thing doesn’t seem that concerning for a third date.
The guy and I who are dating right now had a talk about sleepovers on the second date. We are on our 5th date now. We both sleep horribly by ourselves and even worse if anyone else new is in the bed with us. So we date, have sex/cuddle and then go home and sleep alone. We are planning on sleeping together, but will start on a Friday so if we can catch up on any sleep we miss Saturday night by ourselves. I loved that we could be so open and honest in our communication and needs.
I can maybe understand why he was a little disappointed, being told at night that he couldn’t sleep over, if that was the first conversation you had about sleeping arrangements. Guilting you wasn’t called for though.
Try asking him question about himself and if he doesn’t start asking questions back, then maybe consider if it’s something you want to use more energy on.
At that time, I think it’s not exactly unexpected to stay over after sex, unless your child is an obstacle for that (in which case, you should probably mention that as a reason).
As for communication, is there anything in his life that’s making him busy – something that would be an understandable reason for forgetting the details?
Tbh I wouldn’t appreciate being asked to leave after sex but I also would appreciate if someone did as I like my space. So I get it from both sides!
People forget things. I’d be surprised too if i got kicked out after sex too. I don’t ask too many personal questions early on in dating, as i mostly am trying to evaluate the connection and their behavior. If things click past like 5 or 6 dates is when i start digging into their life. It doesn’t sound like you two want the same things though, and he very likely is dating other woman.
To be fair would you have been happy if you got told to leave after sex probably not.
Clearly communication is not working and your expectations may need a bit of reordering if its long term your looking for, not wanting to communicate about your child is a fair one however its something the other side needs to know, for some it is a deal breaker.
It depends. If the sex was good, then sure, if not then ditch him.
I personally find it weird that people expect a sleepover after sex. If he was local’ish then I don’t see the confusion. And if 11pm is “too late to drive home” I’d kind of laugh it off.
I also have a nosey child. If someone slept over before I was ready to introduce them that would annoy me for someone insisting to spend the night and have that be a surprise if they were seen by my daughter, come the morning.
Along with that, someone I’m seeing currently has a complete opposite schedule as I do. I can go over, have some adult play time, have them relax right before their normal’ish bed time and politely excuse myself and head home. Have they asked me to stay? Yes. Would I like to stay? Sure! Do I want to intrude or be woken up insanely early to leave? No. I figured it would be the more responsible thing to do until everything is laid out on stone where we both want the “relationship” to be.
Why do you ask us? How do you feel?
Let me translate the OP: “Hey, I wanted to get laid so I invited a guy over, fucked him, and then kicked him out late at night. Is him not remembering my child’s gender a valid excuse to ghost him now?”
Why are so many replies saying sex means a sleepover? Sleep and sex are not the same activities lol.
This reminds me of a Seinfeld episode.
If I have sex for the first time I expect a sleepover, every guy I’ve slept with has felt the same, he not wrong for that. His lack of interest in conversation or remembering big life details is the bigger concern. It’s up to you if you want to keep seeing him because at 3 dates in it isn’t that agregious that he’s not mentally focused with you yet so with good communication from you his might improve too. There is a possibility he’s going to feel hurt about not being allowed to sleep over. After care is important for men too.
Sounds like you have a FWB now
Wow not remembering your child’s gender feels like a big thing to forget.
So, you had sex with him once, kicked him out, and now want to cut ties over a couple of small details? Go for it. Whatever you want.
If the genders were switched, this sub would castigate you for ‘using her for sex.’ But, we’re good at separating the gender roles here. So, you have nothing to worry about. Ditch him for not remembering you kid’s gender. He’s terrible.
Best to ‘cut your losses.’ /s
So I always equate sex to an automatic sleepover. BUT, if they say otherwise (wanting me to leave), I don’t make a big deal about it.
i refuse to have sex if i’m not sleeping over. so i make sure that’s known before panties come off. did you talk about it or just assume he knew?
the rule is, if it’s just a hookup, assume you’re leaving. if it’s someone you’re dating, assume you’re staying. if you want to break the assumption, it’s your job to communicate it.
Weird comments here. I can understand his surprise to some degree, however if a sleepover was never mentioned I find it a bit forward of him to just assume that would be the plan. But the part where he makes you feel bad about your simple request is where it goes wrong here. Third date and he tries to make you feel bad for something trivial like this? Get rid of him, he’s a child. A man knows how to control himself and be polite.
This has happened to me twice (from the guy’s perspective, I am a female though)
1. He told me upfront he wasn’t ready for sleep overs. Wasn’t an issue. I left.
2. He blindsided me once we were done and laying naked that he didn’t want to do a sleep over. I felt used and dirty. He was caught off guard when I called things off the next day.
The two scenarios were completely different my mind.
I don’t let people sleep over unless I’m dating them seriously, however I also have that conversation before sex happens.
This is confusing for me too. Anytime I’ve had sex in similar situations we touch base on staying overnight before.
Like being invited in and told you’re welcome to spend the night, or an indication that there’s a reason they’re not comfortable with it yet.
If it’s a sex and leave please situation without any further context the implication to me is that we’re only here for casual sex and you’re a FWB.
It’s not an unreasonable request, but if you had your boundaries set before it was brought up, i might be a little more sus. Nothing some open communication couldn’t uncover
Yikes, I don’t get the criticism here. Sex and sleeping over are separate things. I do not think there should be an expectation to sleep over after sex. To those advocating more transparent communication: It’s not our job to provide disclaimers ad nauseam. As long as you were honest and sincere then you’re in the clear here. Whether to stay or go: First and foremost I’d make sure he understands and respects your perspective on everything. This is a dealbreaker. Assuming he passes, do a gut check and do what feels right.
Edit – grammar
I don’t like asking a lot of questions when I’m getting to know someone which I know is probably weird. I like to just talk about other things and find out along the way. If it’s something big that’s like a deal breaker I’ll ask about those at the beginning but other than that…
So you brought a guy over… 3rd date.. slept with him, then sent him away? You will likely never hear from him again to discuss anything about a serious relationship. Other than sex, he will likely not be interested in anything more.. especially if he felt rejected after that.
Sleepovers are not the expected assumption for me
Also dude seems like an ass if he can’t remember such an important detail about your child
Personally I don’t think you should invite anyone back to your place and have sex with them late into the evening unless you are ok with them sleeping over – unless of course you advised them beforehand that they would not be able to stay.
Having your own boundaries about sleepovers is fine, but if someone kicked me out at 11pm when we’re already in bed together, I would lose interest in seeing them again. Each to their own, of course, but sex and intimacy go together for me. Even if the arrangement is casual it doesn’t have to be clinical, and I would feel used if sex didn’t come with a bit of affection and hanging out afterwards.
As for the conversation and him forgetting details – up to you to decide how you feel about that tbh, would be very difficult for anyone else to advise, you just have to go with your gut.
Nobody is entitled to your space. If you didn’t want him to sleep over, then that’s the end of the discussion.
I can be forgetful about early-stage conversations as well, but that’s generally a function of alcohol consumption, i.e. if I’m told something after I’ve had 3 or 4 drinks, I’m not very likely to remember it.
How did he make you feel bad?
I have a pretty poor verbal memory. I get turned off when someone gives me shit for it. Him forgetting something doesn’t seem worth getting upset over.
Lol if you sent me home that late at night after we had sex, I would block your number before I even left your building and never talk to you again.
Communication beforehand about sleepover preferences could prevent misunderstandings in the future. I personally wouldn’t want someone to sleep over after the first time, but others might feel sad if asked to go home after sex.
There are other factors to consider to take his point of view. For example, how far you live from each other is a factor – if it’s far, that might’ve led to the assumption he could stay over. Did you both drink/smoke weed? If so, he might have assumed he’d be able to sleep it off at your’s.
As for forgetting your kid’s gender, I wouldn’t look too much into it unless he consistently forgets multiple things about you/does not seem interested in learning more. Some people just have a bad memory.
I erased my previous comment b/c I read more of the OP’s. This sounds like a classic miscommunication. I feel you. Im a divorced Mom with 50/50 and I want to have sex, but also don’t feel right about someone staying the night in my home. Granted my activity happens only when my kids are with their dad but it’s still a big step. It’s our safe space.
The only red flag I see is that he isn’t remembering major details about your life. I get not remembering whether you have siblings after 3 dates but details about your child? Idk.
You say you really like him so talk it out. But if it was me and he was showing signs of being disappointed and making you feel bad because he made assumptions I might start putting my guard up before you have more sex as that tends to blur things. That’s just me. Best of luck.