I’ve realized that if sex doesn’t happen by the 3rd or 4th date, it’ll never happen at all. Has your experiences been the same?

39 comments

1. I find it a turn off when a guy suddenly tries to sleep together after the third date. It doesn’t feel organic and like they’re following a dating guide. I personally don’t want to sleep with a guy because I don’t know him well enough & his intentions. Girls are having higher standards for dating now, and some guys are upset about them.

2. I find it weird to put a timeline on dating

3. I’d say focus more on being present instead of running a dates vs sex countdown timer in your head while you’re hanging out with these girls lol.

4. I think it depends on the dates, how much time you’re actually spending together, how much and what you’re talking about. Every relationship progresses at its own speed.

5. In my experience, it’s usually 1 of 2 things:

   * 1) She’s been burnt in the past by men she wanted to be in a LTR with, who she had sex with quickly. They didn’t want the same thing. She wants a relationship, so she’s holding off on sex to avoid getting played.

   * 2) She’s not insanely attracted to you, but there’s some potential, so she’s giving it time to see if the attraction grows. Women tend to factor behavior into attraction, more than men do. At least when it comes to solely sex.

   You could try escalating sooner with women, but honestly, the women who rejected you probably just didn’t have the attraction grow.

6. Idk I’ve noticed if they want sex right away all you’re gonna be used for is sex

7. Imo, women will say they’re not interested after 3 or 4 dates because they weren’t sure about you to begin with. I’ll go out with a guy a couple of times before I make a decision, and that happens to be on the 4th or 5th date. That also means they’re not sexually attracted to you. If women are sexually attracted to you, they’ll have sex with you when they want to have sex with you. Has nothing to do with a timer.

8. On my way to the 5th date with the guy I like and we haven’t had sex. We talked about it tho, he is pretty chill and is waiting for me to feel “ready”. I’d feel uncomfortable if he rushed or talked too much about it, like he just wants to hook up and have sex.
   I think it depends on the type of person, sex drive, how much they care about sex, etc.

9. Hmm…This is interesting/ odd. I don’t know that there are any rules anymore, around sex and when it should or shouldn’t happen. That’s largely gone away in recent years, and everyone has a different opinion on this. I’m not sure what it is in your particular situation.

   I will say, though, as a person who takes things slow and refuses to sleep with anyone by the third or fourth date, me not having sex or not wanting to get physical is absolutely no indicator of interest, and actually means I’m very interested in them. If it’s gone past a second or third date & I still want to see a guy, that’s a great sign. But no, I won’t get physical that early, even if I feel attracted or really like him. There’s a number of reasons for that, but I won’t get into that here.

   I will say that every relationship I had that was worth a darn, where I really ended up loving the guy & we had an amazing sex life…we didn’t sleep together for at least a month, despite spending a ton of time together. It actually INCREASED the connection & chemistry. 🤷‍♀️

   I don’t have the answer, nor is there really a right or wrong answer probably, but I don’t think sex is the only variable at play here. I know a lot of women that pushing for sex on the 3rd date has led them to stop seeing a guy completely right at that 3rd date. Everyone is different & there’s no set of rules that everyone follows – people also want different things.

   Early relationships are complicated. Maybe you would be in a relationship if you’d slept with someone on the 3rd date…but maybe that’s because you’re getting chemicals involved & it’s not actually an indication of compatibility or being able to connect with the person because of who they are. And there’s a growing body of research suggesting that connections where that sort of thing isn’t established, tend to not be successful or as happy long-term.

10. I made my boyfriend wait a whole month soooo it’s weird that you’re making this assumption… lol he is now my boyfriend and we have sexy time all the timmmmeeeee

11. Putting a timeline is off putting and they probably sense that.

12. To me is, I wanted to give things a chance so I thought I’d wait with sex but then if I still don’t want to sleep with you by date 3/4/5 then that means you’re not the right person for me and I move on instead of having sex just because I spent enough time with you

13. I think some women may be realizing the extent of their felt emotional vulnerability. I think your recognized pattern may be somewhat accurate but may be sort of looking at the wrong cause/explanation (assuming that you believe that having sex with her would lead to a different outcome). I think you’re correct more so in the negation of your affirmation. If you sleep with her before the end of the 4th date, there’s a much higher chance that she’ll stay. However, it might be experienced as a type of manipulation because of the fake sense of intimacy it creates. So some women may wonder whether you’re just waiting because you really want to sleep with her or because you actually want to get to know her. I think women are generally quicker at spotting these things whether those observations are accurate or not!

14. The last girl I dated for over a year, we didn’t kiss until the third date, and didn’t have sex until the sixth date. I’m not sure there is such a thing as a universal timeline. But, if you make a big deal of this, then it is probably off putting to women who are more interested in taking things slow.

15. Usually if I have sex with a guy on the first date, I’m not interested or we’ve discussed being casual. The few times I’ve been interested AND had sex in the first date, the guy was just using me. Anyone that will wait for you is actually interested. If you’re just looking for a hookup, you should be up front about it.

16. I don’t know about other women, but if I sleep with a guy I bond to them. Like, even if I have reservations about something like maybe the guy is a bit rude or has a funny voice or there’s an incompatibility as far as a long term relationship is concerned, if I sleep with him my brain WILL get dumb and want to spend more time with him, and before I know it I’m trying to justify his shortcomings to myself and stay in bad relationships for months or years because I’m hooked on the oxytocin. So, it’s kind of important that I vet the guy somewhat in an attempt to spare my feelings and time. Of course I can snap out of a hasty sex decision, but it’s a lot of emotional work that I then have to take on.

    One night stands or hookups are slightly different because I’m still getting the hormone rush from the sex, but it’s much easier to come down from that high when you cut contact with the person. But it does really mean I have to stop seeing and talking to the man, otherwise it will turn into a situationship where I pine for a guy’s attention who couldn’t give a shit about me. Sex actually reduces the amount of oxytocin in men which would explain why some guys can lose interest quickly after sleeping with a woman. Apparently, men don’t experience those same feelings of love until they have committed to a woman, ie. spending time with her consistently. I’m sure there are exceptions to this since people are not all the same, but it kind of matches with the patterns of modern hook up and dating cultures.

    Edit: For those interested this video goes over the hormonal effects of sex in men and women: https://youtu.be/eyq2Wo4eUDg

17. It has absolutely nothing to do with sex. The timeline of about 3/5 dates is when you start to get a sense of the person and decide if you see relationship potential. The sex thing is inconsequential, and if you start to focus on that you risk making future dates feel uncomfortable. Let sex happen organically, sooner or later. The timeline is genuinely arbitrary

18. No. There is no pattern for me. It happens when it feels right.

19. i highly doubt it has anything to do with not having sex by date 3, they probably just don’t feel any sparks with you have you thought about that? not every person in the dating scene thinks like this so i suggest letting things go with the flow and if a girl rejects you don’t think it has anything to do with sex and more to do with it wasn’t meant to be.

20. at 45 i met a woman who said no sex till date 10, so we waited

21. i literally didn’t even kiss my current partner until like the seventh date or something. sex didn’t happen until months in. but i’m always really really anxious about my health so i’m probably just weird about things like that.

    if i ever agreed to have sex with a guy as early as the first, second or third date, i think i’d probably just be using him to scratch an itch. three dates is enough to sus out whether he seems like he’d murder me, but not enough to decide if i’d want him as a long term partner.

22. Went a month before I had sex with one girl. We kissed pretty early on though. I was just there for her when she was vulnerable one night and the next morning she initiated sex. The whole by date three shit is for chumps, in my personal opinion. In my experience it happens when it happens. If they call it off early on, She’s Just Not That Into You.

23. No, I generally wait longer than that. After three dates I’m starting to know how I feel, and I probably either like a guy platonically or I’m attracted to him. I can’t tell that for sure on the first date; I’m mostly checking he’s real, mostly who he says he is, and doesn’t have bird feathers stuck in his teeth. If I don’t feel attracted to a guy after three dates, I let them know. I’ve met some cool friends through OLD.

    A fair few men ghost after 3 dates though, seemingly regardless of how well things seem to be going. To me, it seems crazy for a guy to put an arbitrary timer on when they MUST HAVE HAD SEX for it to be worthwhile talking to a woman. It also suggests that in order to keep a man, a woman is required to have sex before she actually wants to have sex. Not a great basis for an ongoing relationship of mutual trust and desire.

    Also, what makes you think that if you’d slept together, you’d be in a relationship?

24. No, it took longer than that for me and my current bf to have sex and we were in a relationship at that point not just dating.

    Sometimes people just don’t vibe with you. It’s okay. I think you’re overthinking this.

25. No. Especially with virgins I had good sexual relationships where sex began much later

26. Nope. Took me 3 months and many dates to be comfortable enough for sex. There isn’t a rule for any of this, you do it when it feels right. Some people need time and others don’t.

27. My boyfriend (now my ex husband) waited almost 3 years for me, but also, we did everything but PIV so for whatever that’s worth there are quality people with high libidos that love sex but also want to wait and basically you can’t guarantee anything. While we dated we were super sexual tho. So please specify someone who is not giving any physical intimacy or making out or whatever vs someone like me. There are plenty of “demisexuals” like me who would NEVER have sex with a basic stranger. I also would NEVER keep dating someone who had some expectation of any # of dates = sex. I mean that’s so gross and sex-centric to me but whatever. ALSO if you read the marriage and dead bedroom subs, it’s ironic how many people spent YEARS going at it like rabbits, then after a few years it’s dead bedroom. So for people wanting “to test sexual compatibility” I really wish it were that easy and that much of a predictable thing. It simply isn’t. The only thing I’ll say, if a person doesn’t seem to address WHY they aren’t getting intimate or get defensive or ” I’m tired” or ” I’m stressed” and they’re otherwise ok with sex, these are the red flags you look for many months in. The honeymoon phase / NRE is basically a non-predictable phase so if you think the first 2-3 months of dating are predictors of the rest of the relationship (like years to the-rest-of-your-lives), sorry y’all! Talk to some of the folks on the other Subs lol. Plus, um, there are tons of people who won’t get down without sharing STD results. So all these folks jumping into bed early like this, it’s really interesting the risks you take. But all it takes is a risk with the wrong person to end up with, say, early stage cervical cancer from HPV like myself. That’s my rebuttal to this. But then, we can all just filter each other out! So hold onto your boundaries and let them serve as filters folks!

28. I didn’t kiss my first boyfriend until date 4 or 5. I was itching to, but he moves even slower than me. Happily dating over 8 months and we didn’t have sex until about 2 months in and after testing and me getting on birth control.

29. Sex wouldn’t have kept you together that much longer. My longest relationship was my sexless relationship (although I ended up breaking up with her because she wouldn’t have sex with me). The sooner sex has happened for me, the shorter the relationship.

30. I’m male and wouldn’t be intimate with any woman by date 3 or 4 unless I had known her previously for a fair amount of time. I’m just not interested in it without a strong connection, and that takes time to build.

    >Like I’ve literally dated women who told me “I’m looking to take things slowly,” and I think great I’m like that too! But then after 3-4 dates I wake up to a text message saying “I think you’re a great guy, but I’m just not feeling it is all.” Then I start scratching my head because I look back on our dates, and we got along super well.

    Think it was possible that they were multi-dating and decided to go with someone else?

31. Was friends with my husband for a full year before dating him

32. So you had sex on the 1st,2nd,3rd and 4th dates and you are still single. No one is feeling you yet. Maybe because you are too focused on getting the sex. You might not know that’s how you come off, but a woman can definitely see it.

33. Causation vs correlation. Women who wanted to date you/ felt that spark wanted to have sex with you by 3rd or 4th date. Women who weren’t interested just let you know.

34. I have 1 sex rule (46f). I ask myself do I want to have sex with this person at this time. Yes or No, that’s it. I don’t look at a calendar, read any stars, check what phase the moon is in. Do I want to yes or no. Did I meet him 30 minutes ago, 3 months ago doesn’t matter. Yes or no. Simple

35. Nope not at all. Letting things build naturally is really key so it’s whatever timing feels right to both parties.

36. Not everyone wants to have sex with someone after a 2nd or 3rd date. Even with talking daily, you hardly know the person. I wouldn’t want to let someone see me like that until I know that they can be trusted, won’t just bail after for just wanting that, and because of my own personal beliefs and issues. There’s more to a relationship than sex after a few dates.

37. Just because we think a date went well doesn’t mean it went well for the other person.

38. Don’t push or rush sex and the relationships won’t end. It needs to happen naturally, not with the mindset of “if it doesn’t happen by the 3rd date, I’m out”. If it doesn’t happen naturally, then obviously there’s nothing there.

    Also the last thing you should be doing is comparing her timeline with you to her timeline to her last bf.

    Rushing it or comparing it is a major turn off to women.

39. Female here…I don’t have sex with, nor do I have an interest in sex with a partner until there is a level of intimacy and trust between us. It seems like it would probably be pretty obvious to anyone dating you that you’ve made sex early on a priority regardless of any long term intentions, and for me, that would be pretty off putting.