I’m curious how those of you with critical spouses handle this side of marriage or react to it? I’ve told my wife of 12 years multiple times that I don’t appreciate her criticism and that she doesn’t always need to make a comment. This past week it was in public and I felt disrespected when she essentially yelled at/chastised me in front of strangers for not doing something the way she would have. When I tried to tell her how it made me feel a few minutes later (when it was the 2 of us) I was told that “that’s just who I am and I can’t change it.”
Not that I shouldn’t have seen it coming, her parents bicker constantly so she’s mirroring what she saw growing up. I’m just at a crossroads on whether this is how I want to spend the rest of my life or not. For what it’s worth, I hardly ever call her out for not doing something the way I would have, let alone in public right in front of strangers. There are other problems in our marriage, but this is one of the biggest in my opinion. Thoughts?
6 comments
Adios to her – she will not change – you put up with this long enough, no?
Yeaaaa, I dealt with that for 8 years! Been 15 years since and his words STILL replay over and over! I ended up leaving him after 8 years, the verbal abuse and everything that went along with it was way too much, mine was like yours and would say that’s just the way they are.
Tell her she needs to change or you’re leaving. Then leave cause she won’t change.
I wouldn’t stick around
>“that’s just who I am and I can’t change it.”
I think you’re giving her way too much credit by thinking she’s just mirroring her parents. You *told her* that you don’t like this behavior. This isn’t “oh, I was unconsciously doing this thing and didn’t realize it upset you.” She just doesn’t care how it makes you feel, or the other people present (and I assure you that nobody around wants to hear your wife yell at you).
This is not a fixable marriage.
So, my husband and I used to be very much like this towards each other, and in all honesty probably will be again at some point in the future (hopefully not, but we’re both human, and humans mess up once in a while).
What helped us, I think, was…
1. Talking about it when we’re both calm and in a good mood. Use indirect communication, no finger pointing. Talk about feelings and behaviours. Use the sandwich technique. (“Babe, can I talk to you about something that’s been on my mind and has been causing me some distress? I love when we’re good to each other, like we are right now, but when you shout at me like that time in the airport I feel really hurt.”)
2. Diagnosing the issue (“I behaved that way because I was stressed at the situation” “Okay, I get that, but could there be a better way of handling your frustration and communication?”)
3. Coming up with alternatives. (“When I’m getting frustrated, I will take a deep breath and count to ten, or I will communicate that I’m losing my cool and need help to relax”)
4. Agreeing on repercussions. (“If you lose your cool, I will not engage with you. I will need to walk away for my own mental health so that the situation doesn’t escalate into a full blown fight”)
5. Not taking slip ups personally and using positive reinforcement after each partial or complete success. Behavioral change is easier said than done. So, we need to reinforce what we’re working towards with small celebrations. It feels good to be acknowledged for our hard work, even the attempts that are mildly successful. Lead with the carrot, not the stick. (“I’m proud of us for catching ourselves that time.” “We handled that better than last time.” Etc)
Good luck!