Could I please get some advice? This question might be a bit complicated. I (27 N) was adopted by my maternal grandparents who I will call Mom and Dad because that’s what I call him. My birth father was the child of my 70 something year old paternal grandfather (70s M), “Pear.” He had another kid: my 18 year old little sister, “Jane.” I was adopted around age 5 because my birth parents were not able to take care of me properly.
I had to stop going over to Pear’s house around then because his stepdaughter mistreated me badly. My mom told him that he could come visit any time, but I was not able to go over there. He never did, not until I was about 16. Despite him living five minutes away my entire life, I had no idea who he was or what he looked like. He cried when he saw me, hugged me, told me I looked just like my birth father. He was very nice to me, apologized for never getting me a Christmas present and I told him that was more than okay.
I visited him when I could over the years. I texted him. I was happy to have a grandfather.
However, it has been SEVERAL years since he has responded to a single text.
Things that might have made him suddenly decide to hate me: Since this time, I have come out as trans since (never directly to him) and I also post anti-Trump posts on Facebook. However, my little sister has argued with him about politics and he just got her a puppy for graduation.
The only other thing I can think of that I have done that could have upset him is that once I asked him to be a guarantor for an apartment when I was like 19 (something literally every one of my friend’s has had a parent/grandparent do) and he ignored that. I also once asked him for help with tuition one semester at community college. Other than that, I have never asked him for anything in my life. And it’s not that he is not generous: he is a millionaire and has even given one of his maids a house. He buys his kids and grandkids cars, houses, takes them on fun trips.
They’re really a close family. They post big get-togethers and I would like to understand what I should do in this situation? That entire side of the family has basically ignored me since I was a child and it really sucks.
I’ve asked one of his daughters (my aunt, probably 40s) and she said she’d ask him but never got back to me. Should I try calling him or just leave it alone entirely? Or should I do something else? I really would just like to know why š And if I did something wrong, to apologise and have a chance to make it right. My grandmother on that side died before I was bored and I really would just like a grandfather in my life
**TLDR** my grandpa has ignored all my texts for years, what should I do?
5 comments
I would give him a call but be prepared for it to either be ignored or for it to go completely south. Have your support circle there with you just in case. You could also send him an email. Send him a card or a letter through good old snail mail. It might show that you’re serious about reconciliation if it’s possible. Just be prepared for the worse. If he’s transphobic and that’s why he ghosted you, I know it’s going to be devastating. My pseudo-adopted son has family that doesn’t accept him and dead names him (his sister does when she’s feeling especially petty) and I’ve seen how sick and depressed it makes him. Always remember that you have a loving family who accepts you for who you are and who will help you through this no matter which way it goes.
Yes, if you’ve gone years texting him and getting no response, it’s perfectly reasonable to pick up the phone and try to actually talk to him. I had written a bunch of other stuff about what might be going on, but really all of that is beside the point: make a phone call and try to communicate directly. You will, at the very least, have more information to work with then.
Honestly, youāre just going to have to ask him. If he only lives 5 mins away, itās probably time to pop over for a visit and ask him whatās wrong directly. Prepare for the worst.
Honestly, why not call or go over?
(There’s a TLDR at the bottom. Sorry for wall of text)
I have a friend of mine (K) in her 60’s. Apparently a few years ago she and her mom (S) had a huge falling out and they didn’t speak for a year. However, my friend sent her mom (who is in her late 80’s or early 90’s) presents for Christmas and birthdays.
My friend has a physical disability and is unable to drive. She also has a respiratory issue and was unable to speak well, even for short periods of times. She’s secluded with no children. K kept texting her mom and writing letters for years with no response. She thought her mom was still mad, and was ignoring her.
One day, K asked me to drive over to her mother’s to check on her. After speaking with her for a few minutes, I quickly deducted that her mother had dementia. She hasn’t seen her phone in forever, and even when it would turn up, she forgot how to use it and how to charge it. Also lost her daughter’s number (it was in bold numbers on the fridge).
I offered to check her mailbox. It was so full that it was difficult to pull the mail out. It hadn’t been checked in god knows when. She had also forgotten where her house keys were, and her nails were so severely overgrown that she couldn’t put on shoes.
There was hardly any food in her fridge, yet the place looked absolutely spot less. She repeated the same conversation over and over again about waiting for her daughter to call her.
K’s brother, who cut ties with K almost 10 years ago, was taking care of their mom. However, he also had major disabilities that prevented him from giving his mom the care she needed. He never passed messages along that K had been calling.
K didn’t know S had memory problems, and had spent the last 3 years thinking her mother hated her.
It was the perfect storm for miscommunication.
TDLR; Long story short, your grandpa may not hate you at all. It could be very odd circumstance or miscommunication. Go talk to him yourself and set the story straight.
Donāt read too much into an old person ignoring texts, thatās totally normal. If you want to talk to him, go talk to him.