UPDATE 1: JESUS THANK YOU GUYS FOR THE RESPONSES. I have read every single one. I will be ending it. Many have said text it, but for me it’ll feel better for closure in person. That’s just who I am. He might have disrespected me but I’ll respect him since it was 4 years long. Thank you so much for helping me realize I wasn’t the entire issue here. People grow up. And I will prioritize me. These comments help me remember there’s better out there for me. For now I’ll take some time off dating to heal. THANK YOU REDDIT FRIENDS. I will be posting a second update.
I think my BF is just not into me anymore. I can’t stop thinking ab it or go on with my days like normal. Idk how to salvage it or if it’s even worth it. He’s either super great or super bad. I’ve been dating my bf (20m) for 4 years. It was so blissful in the beginning but then this past year, we had a super rough patch. Difference of opinion led to huge arguments. Then, he left this summer for a 2 month internship where he’s been able to really live the “college experience”. We don’t since we commute to our university back at home. 2000 mile distance plus 3 hour time change. At first he called me daily and told me everything. Then things changed and he become cold and distant. I decided to go visit in July and that helped a lot, but now it’s been 6 weeks since I saw him and he’s back to this. When it’s physical, he is always all over me.
He’s coming home permanently again in 4 days till next summer and I should be so excited but I’m not. I feel like we are gonna break up when he’s back. He just seems different like he outgrew me or had sm fun without me. Last week was okay but now he has been avoiding calls, making less time to text me, doesn’t update me, falsely says yes that he will call. And when he does call he’s half asleep (from being out) giving one word answers and scrolling through IG barely looking at me. This week has been especially bad. His excuse right now is that it’s his last week and he will be home soon. But he barely flirts or says I love you unless I say it first. I asked him about it and he says he’s just tired of it being so hard with me and that with other people he’s been able to see he can act more himself. So he doesn’t feel like being loving. He says he doesn’t flirt bc he is so busy and that I am always asking for attention. Yet he makes time for his friends. He’s made a lot of female friends out there and now states he finds himself attracted to Asians (which he never was before) and I am Hispanic. One of his friends he showed me was a very pretty asian girl and he said he liked how she spoke mandarin, the spanish was too easy. All of a sudden he says he’s not into Hispanics as much, mind you he is hispanic. He says I’m still beautiful just that my personality , specifically as a gf, bothers him. I wish he would just break up if thats how he feels. In addition he says he plans to go out a lot more once he is home.
He keeps saying I need to relax that he will see me when he’s home (he does not sound excited) and he’s just busy saying bye to everyone and enjoying his last week in Cali since we are returning to university. He is so busy going out everyday this week and doesn’t care to make time to call. I wonder if he developed feelings out there and didn’t tell me bc he knows he will never see those people again. It just sucks really bad bc I still love him so much. I’ve tried to be very loving and flirty still. It’s causing me so much anxiety. He doesn’t really even care what I do. Like he never asks where i am or what i did. He sends me pics of him out having fun and I always comment on how nice he looks. I send him things and he’s like, cute.
He never wants to talk ab these issues. He just says “every-time i talk to you, you put me in a bad mood talking about relationships. nobody here talks about relationships and it’s all you talk about. I like talking to other people more” I try to say I only mention it bc its causing me a lot of confusion and pain. I would drop it if something changed and that I am open to adjusting to his new way of thinking and wanting him to be himself 100% . He’s weird though he will say all this and then buy me souvenirs to bring home bc he thinks I would love them. While saying I make him waste money. Like what. I didn’t even ask for anything
Right now the idea of physical intimacy makes me so nervous like I am not gonna be enough or that he’s already done with me. He mad comments about not minding skinnier girls now, and I am on the thicker side. Not fat, but not super thin.
I asked if he wanted me to pick him up from the airport with his family on Sunday and he said, sure I guess. But i really am feeling weird. Idk if I can handle 4 more days of me trying to talk to him and him brushing off all my feelings. Showing up at the airport I feel like is weird if he doesn’t love me anymore.
TLDR: My bf of 4 years has been gone 2 months and i think he fell out of love with me. He doesn’t try to talk to me and seems much happier w his friends.
31 comments
Stop speculating on him and focus on what *you* want. A guy who basically told you straight up that he’s attracted to other people and likes talking to them more, doesn’t make you a priority, barely communicates and checks out? I hope not. I don’t even know you and I want better for you than this guy does.
He sounds pretty unhappy with this relationship and it’s making you miserable too.
You deserve better.
Prepare yourself that it’s over.
I suggest you back off.
Don’t take it personally.
Almost no one has a Happily Ever After with the person they started dating at 16.
I would probably end this out of self respect. He isn’t into you and seemingly is open about that and takes advantage of you. Stop spending your time stressing over someone who can’t be bothered to be open and honest with you. Stop waiting for him to end it and do it yourself.
Advice I wish I had when I was your age: it’s possible to be in love with somebody who isn’t right for you, and it makes it hard to walk away. Drifting apart the way you guys have is super common with teenage relationship; you’re both growing into yourselves, and it sounds like your emotional needs just aren’t being met. A healthy relationship doesn’t involve you begging for scraps of love.
I’d start to mentally prepare yourself to break up, before he drops the bomb on you. Know now that it’ll be tough finding the space you need to learn to love yourself single. There will be the temptation to stay friends because you still care about each other, but it’ll only slow the healing. (It’s crucially important to learn to be single and happy again before finding somebody new.)
You are a worthwhile, attractive person, and somebody will come along who recognizes that.
Y’all are outgrowing each other, life is moving forward for both of and you are headed in different directions.
Since you see what is happening, very clearly, I say just break up with him. You are investing so much energy into something that you can already tell is over. If both partners aren’t putting work into a relationship it’s not gonna be good, and your bf is not willing to even talk about your relationship, much less work at it.
You have your whole life ahead of you, and that should be exciting! This was a nice high school relationship, but now you are ready to move on and grow and experience bigger and better! Time for you to start prioritizing YOU!
It sucks that your bf is too much of a douche to just be upfront and break up if he isn’t feeling it. I’m sorry you are going through this rough patch, but you are going to find so much more happiness in your future.
Him:
> Every-time i talk to you, you put me in a bad mood talking about relationships. nobody here talks about relationships and it’s all you talk about. I like talking to other people more.
Your response:
> Idk if I can handle 4 more days of me trying to talk to him and him brushing off all my feelings.
You really think that is going to help things?
Girl, just break it off. It doesn’t matter if He is cheating or falling out of love, He is being disrespectful and trying to hurt you. He doesn’t love you.
I went through this experience in Texas.
Fuck Texas.
Update us when you dump him.
Honey I’m sorry to say this but he’s probably gone. Here’s why.
Before I got with my current bf I was in a relationship with another man. I realized I wasn’t sure if I was in love with the man I was with and things became distant between us but neither of us brought it up, but especially me. I regretted it after because when I finally did break it off I left a very good person hurt and confused. He admitted later that he suspected that my heart wasn’t in it anymore but he didn’t bring it up hoping things would just work out. Obviously they didn’t.
I’m very happy now in my new relationship and it was actually admitting that I was in love with my current bf that made me realize that my relationship was dead.
I’ve been in the role of the person who fell out of love.
As much as it hurts I think you should cut your loses and break things off. You will heal and you will be happy again, but you can never achieve that if you don’t move forward and leave this one behind.
TL;DR Yeah, people fall out of love all the time!
Now, DM your social media so I can start falling in love with you!
Break up.
You don’t **have to wait** for him to do it.
Your relationship started at 16…of course it’s going to be different now.
When it started you both had to ask permission to use the bathroom and raise your hand before talking.
There are HUGE milestones between 16 and 20, it’s OKAY if you’re no longer compatible.
You’re spiraling because his world expanded and yours narrowed down to just him, and that’s never going to work.
Stop waiting on him to cut it off. You deserve better and you know it’s basically over already.
Stopped reading at “college experience”, I’m a guy and let me tell you that when a guy wants the “college experience” it means he wants to talk to girls. If he hasn’t cheated, then he’s thinking about talking to other girls and uses college as a convenient separator between you and him. This is mostly just speculation on my part however but guys know how guys are. Speculation aside, if you’re not happy, find something that does make you happy.
Y’all are 20. He doesn’t want to be tied down right now, not at this age, it’s pretty obvious. He’s also an asshole. Have some respect for yourself and just break it off now.
>I wish he would just break up with me
Break up with him and move on. I don’t understand why you are tip toe’ing around the issue. You “want him to prioritize you”. If that’s the case, prioritize yourself. Make the tough decision and find something better.
Hit the gym. Preemptively break up with him once you have a nice body.
He will beg like a dog. Then its up to you if you want a dog.
I don’t think he loves you. But he don’t want to admit it and initiate the break up.
It has nothing to do with Asian or any race, he is just being a jerk.
Some people would rather drag it out and force you to break up with them so they don’t have to deal with it. That sounds like what’s going on here. End it but also he might beg and plead for you to stay, but it will go back to being like this.
You should break up with him. He’s treating you like crap. You don’t have to wait around for him to decide to break up with you. Decide for yourself that you don’t want to be around someone who tells you that he doesn’t like your personality “as a gf.” That’s a cruel thing to say, and you deserve better.
Get a different boyfriend near you. You’re so young no need for a LDR there are so many fish in the sea
This was heartbreaking to read. You can’t make someone put in effort. Love yourself and find someone who treats you the way you want to be treated.
You deserve way better, if he loved you they way he should, you wouldn’t be second guessing yourself like this.
Imagine breaking up with him, then eventually meeting somehow who makes you feel like the absolute most important person to him, that’s what love should feel like, for both parties equally.
You were super young when you got together and you’ve both likely changed a lot. It’s ok to move on. You’ll find someone else, or several someones. But please don’t tie yourself to someone who clearly wants to be single right now. You’re worth more than that
Yeah, you’re getting broken up with. That’s pretty clear. You need to start getting a game plan together on what you’re going to do while he’s gone. You need an actual plan
As a 32 yo with a girlfriend of 4 years I can understand your concern but don’t worry maybe you’re overthinking this one, see where things go and then things will become more clear for you.
Much love!
good luck. a conversation is the right way to go and that way you can leave it behind knowing you did your best.
This post makes me so sad to read. I’m glad that you’re deciding to end things. You are going to find someone who appreciates you and treats you with so much more respect. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Sounds EXACTLY like my ex. I think the think the reason he just won’t end it is maybe because he doesn’t wanna be the bad guy. The way he’s treating you rn is okay with him but actually breaking up is not. But you deserve better.
>every-time i talk to you, you put me in a bad mood talking about relationships.
God my ex told me this exact same line and now that i think back i wonder why i didn’t leave his pathetic ass right then and there. As you’ve already said in the edit that you’re gonna leave him, gooood for youuu. I hope it goes well and i wish you the best 🙂
Update us after you talk to him
Sounds like a textbook narcissist. You are in the “devaluation” phase right now. It’s only going downhill from here.
Please be careful when you confront him in person, these kind of people don’t take rejection well.