We’ve been married for 3 years and got engaged in 2017. Ever since our engagement, my mother and my wife just haven’t seen eye to eye. I’m not going to go into specifics of what happened then but ultimately – it boiled down to a major miscommunication during a phone call between my mother and I that led to my mother being upset and my sister got involved (to stick up for my mom) and started reaching out to my wife directly. And of course there was stupid drama like my sister and mom deleting my wife from social media. It nearly ruined our engagement and needless to say, I didn’t handle the situation well from the start. I should’ve addressed our concerns a lot sooner than I did. Huge learning moment for me to step up when I need to. I guess one thing I never noticed until this situation was how immature my mom is (and my sister too) and how she handles conflict. She never admits that she is wrong and when you call her out on something and she knows she’s wrong – there is silence. No acknowledgement or anything. My father will side with my mom and not offer any other perspective. Other times – my parents will play the “parents are always right” card and hide behind the “respect your parents” wall as a defense mechanism. Which is BS. Honestly, I really don’t think their emotionally mature when it comes to adult relationships.
Over the years there’s been talks and apologies. Attempts at moving on. There was also another incident where my wife was in the wrong with some things she said to my parents while drunk at a dinner. (She admitted and apologized). There’s been get togethers between my wife and I and my parents. My wife still doesn’t care for my sister at all. She can tolerate my parents in small doses. What’s weird is my sister is in her 30s and still living with my parents. My wife has made it clear that as long as she lives in my parents house, she will not go there because she is uncomfortable and thinks my sister is a wildcard who could just fly off the handle in her own environment. My parents have tried to “assure” my wife that it wouldn’t happen again but you can’t predict someone’s behavior. My parents really can’t grasp my wife’s hard boundary of not wanting to go to their house because of my sister so therefore every few months – I have to hear about it. They keep bringing it up because they don’t understand how my wife can’t forgive and move on like they would do. I explained to them that if she isn’t comfortable then I’m not going to force her to go. What blows my mind is the fact that my parents have had their issues with their siblings and each set of in-laws so that you would think they would be more understanding. Instead of trying to understand and value the relationship between the 4 of us, my parents are basically saying “it’s all of us or nothing”. It completely turns my wife off and I off and pushes her away even more. I just don’t understand why my parents can’t be adults and just try to keep their relationship with us separate from my sister. It also really bothers me that my sister still lives with my parents. Even if I had a brother living at home – I wouldn’t want to see them. It stunts everyone’s growth and my mom can’t keep things to herself even if I tell her to. She’ll share them with my sister since she’s someone to talk to in her house. It’s also worth nothing that there’s some mental illnesses with my mom and sister too so I’m sure that plays into the behavior. My wife has said that she is willing to be at the same place my sister is at as long as it’s neutral setting. Apparently, that’s not good enough.
When I reflect on my parents relationships with my aunts & uncles – some of them are non-existent after past issues. Why is it okay for them to do that but they have to force relationships and think we don’t want anything to do with family? It’s a victim mentality that I can’t stand.
My wife has had traumatic events in her upbringing regarding her immediate family that she tends to have a harder shell than me and easily shuts down when she doesn’t feel respected by family members. While I see her points, sometimes I disagree with her approach. At the end of the day though, she’s my wife. I just feel torn because in a perfect world, I’d love for all of us to move on and have great relationships but the fact that my parents keep insisting that we come to their house for holidays and keep broaching the topic really bothers me too. I even tried to frame it as “hey what if we were at grandma’s and uncle Brian was always there and you didn’t care for him?” – but they don’t understand. What should I say to my parents when this gets brought up again? I used to think it was my wife just being difficult but honestly – if you’re not comfortable somewhere, you shouldn’t have to be there because of your spouse and their family. Respect our boundary.
TL;DR! My wife doesn’t care for my family because of previous drama between my mom and sister. While she is over it, my parents keep insisting that we come to their house (that my sister still lives at) after I told them that my wife is uncomfortable in their house. They seem to think we can’t have a relationship unless with come to their house for holidays (like one big happy family). What should I say to my parents when this gets brought up again so that they can understand and respect our boundaries? Thanks in advance.
10 comments
State the boundary, if they try and discuss/negotiate, tell them this is what you are willing to do and that it isn’t up for discussion. If they press end the conversation, rinse and repeat as needed. Remind them that the lack of respect they show for your wife and your boundaries is communicating that they don’t respect you.
Oh, they understand the boundary just fine. They don’t care.
Op, I think it is time you tell them what you really think. Ask them why uncles and aunties aren’t visiting and do they want history repeat itself.
You need to support your wife. Don’t go to their house by yourself. You two need to be a team.
Tell your wife first and then reach out to your sister. Tell her it is time to bury the hatchet. They need to apologise to each other. If she won’t, then there is no deal.
Tell them you guys can meet in a restaurant and talk about it. Don’t talk in their house. Don’t let them have the home advantage.
Good luck. Another compromise is to meet at a restaurant before holidays. Tell them take it out leave it.
You a very mature because you can now see the reality of your parents life and coming to those subtle conclusions on your own is fabulous. However as you are growing your parents are growing as well. Its just that now you can understand the dynamics of how things work in the backend and it’s not pretty.
But you should always stand by your wife because she sounds like a good one.
But to really make things progress is through your father. You invite the old men to do something that you both have in common and then discuss the matter at hand.
I think he is the key to all your turmoil.
Based on your post your sister does not seem to be married and might be jealous of you and your wife. This might be why there is such an issue between them.
Boundaries have to come with some kind of consequence for breaking them or else they aren’t real boundaries, you’re just stating a preference that they are free to walk all over.
In this case I would call their bluffs–invite your parents over to things directly, invite them all out and about if you want to do that, refuse invitations for things that you have already told them you aren’t willing to do, and above all DO NOT get into a debate with them about whether or not your boundary is appropriate or try to convince them that you are right based on their experiences with their own families. Just say “oh too bad, we won’t be able to come” and that’s that.
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How your parents and sister choose to live also isn’t really any of your business, try not to expend any extra energy t the fact that you don’t like that she’s still living at home.
>I didn’t handle the situation well from the start. I should’ve addressed our concerns a lot sooner than I did. Huge learning moment for me to step up when I need to.
You’re making that mistake again, by letting it get too far.
>My wife […] easily shuts down when she doesn’t feel respected by family members. While I see her points, sometimes I disagree with her approach.
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>I’d love for all of us to move on and have great relationships
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>I used to think it was my wife just being difficult
Maybe because she’s had enough of your family’s shit, and you not being on her side 100%? Why are you still listening to your parents’ complaints? You’re entertaining their game of playing dumb. You think that if you just bash your head against this wall (of your parents’ stubbornness) long enough, it’ll give eventually.
*They know what they’re doing. They don’t care about your explanations or suggested compromises. You’re 37 and have a wife. Stop being so naive and indecisive and NOT 100% in your wife’s camp when you know your parents and sister are like this and will be like this forever.*
>It also really bothers me that my sister still lives with my parents.
You can’t do anything about this, only remove yourself from the situation. You can’t convince her to move out, or your parents to throw her out. They seem to like her more than they like you, anyway.
>What should I say to my parents when this gets brought up again so that they can understand and respect our boundaries?
Tell them to stop disrespecting your wife? That if they disrespect her, you BOTH will have nothing to do with them? Otherwise you’ll just let them walk all over you.
As a husband, you have to stand by your wife, not your drama-seeking family. They’re starting to poison you against your wife, dude. Don’t sit idly by and let it happen. Stand up for her and yourself.
You can’t make unreasonable people understand what they don’t want to understand. What you can do is draw a boundary and then bow out of a conversation if they persist. “Hey, mom/dad, we’ve talked about this before and you know what I think. I’m not going to discuss this anymore; I’ve made my choices. About them Mets (or whatever)?” Leave the conversation if they insist on talkinga bout it when you’ve said this, every time.
Boundaries aren’t really something you can make other people obey or respect, or even understand. You can only control your own actions.
You’ve set your boundary (we will not come over to your house while sister lives there) and you’re enforcing it (by not going to their house). Your parents are not good with boundaries, so they will probably keep bringing it up. Your best bet is to make this as boring a conversation as possible. Don’t keep explaining it to them over and over again – that makes them think there is a chance of changing your mind.
One question: are you interested in cultivating a relationship with your parents outside of their home? It sounds like right now your relationship with them is primarily them trying to bully you into big visits to their home. What if you took the initiative and said “Hey mom and dad, I’d like to take the two of you out to lunch” and went? Would they be receptive to that? Ideally, you wouldn’t bring your wife. See if your parents can be cool and nice first, once they’ve shown that, maybe your wife can come.
Edit: fixed a typo
You don’t set boundaries for other people. You set them for yourself by drawing a line in the sand and walking away if it’s crossed. *Step up and actually start enforcing consequences.*
“It’s all of us or nothing”.
“I’m sorry to hear that. Okay, bye.”
As long as they think they can bully you, they will. Show them you are willing to walk away to enforce your boundaries if needed.
Your parents don’t respect you and your wife, that’s why they won’t respect boundaries. They have similar issues with their own relatives that you have with them, but in their eyes, they never do anything wrong. Everyone else is in the wrong for not putting up with their bullshit.