Can’t handle it anymore..

29 comments

1. [deleted]

2. Seek an abuse group or phone line and ask for advice, or go directly to the police. I hope you and your kids get to safely and end up somewhere nurturing soon.

3. I would suggest calling the police again and getting a restraining order and have him arrest yes you do care about him but , is it right for him to abuse you like that and also get away with it ? No it’s not right

4. You can’t, or shouldn’t, care about him more than you care about yourself. He is endangering you physically, and much worse, destroying you emotionally. You don’t have to cause trouble for him but you really should look after yourself and leave, as he certainly isn’t looking after you. Because he has been violent with you and manipulative you feel he has this massive power over you but once you are out you can start rebuilding yourself in a way that he cannot hurt. You are a lot stronger and a lot more powerful than he made you think with the way he mistreated you over the years. You can do it. Good luck.

5. What advice would you give to a sister, aunty, cousin, your mum if they were in this situation. Try to follow that advice. You can do this, it’s going to be ok.

6. Is your love helping him? Helping you? Fixing anything?

   Reading this, makes me think that your support of him and the relationship is harmful to all of you. Do you love him and yourself enough to do what needs doing?

   You must leave. Go 100% no contact. Your life is on the line. And because he does not control himself, he is very likely to be in jail if you don’t leave soon.

   You are in danger.

7. I had a cousin who was going through this. One day when they were at a gas station she ran and hid in the bathroom and called her family who came and picked her up. She found sanctuary and protection with her family by opening up to them and they kept her safe. She eventually moved to another city where her brother lives and she occasionally visits. It’s nice to have her back in our lives as like with most of these kinds of guys he kept her completely away from us. As far as I know he never bothered her again as he probably found someone new to torment.

   I hope instead of feeling helpless and out of options that you can confide in those who truly love and care for you and I hope they will provide the help and shelter required to get you out of this situation. I especially hope you don’t wait til you’re at the end of your rope or until he goes too far. I want you to imagine a life without this man, a life without the burden and stress he puts on you and I want you to put into action getting away from him for good. You’re not a little girl anymore, you’re a strong woman and you don’t have to stay in any situation you don’t want to regardless of what someone might try to make you think.

8. Don’t mean to creep you out saying this. Police do the same things to their spouses and children. Forgive me but as the child in the situation mentioned within my reply…least you get to call.

   My mother does the same, always tries to find a way to get out of the house so she can spend time on her own. Since my dad has retired, he’s only gotten worse. Tried co parenting with my ex, my dad treated me like I did something terrible. In some manners, slightly better…for instance the amazon box in the kitchen…well if he ever decides to threaten the lives of his family members and that fucking thing happens to pick that up now he looks like a total jackass ethically.

   Simply trying to say one thing, do what’s best for you emotionally. My dad should’ve been on his second divorce years ago but somehow, and it’s almost as if my mother is mentally handicapped and cannot ever take into account their own kids personal feelings. Again, not to creep you out nor make you become upset but seriously…what’s best for you.

9. I would suggest to start writing secret journal (online of physical). Write down what happens, when and how exactly. Do not exaggerate, make sure you don’t. Do not use euphemisms either, write ugly as it is. Then, after few weeks you will me able to read what you wrote. You will be better able to connect fights to each other, to see what is going on from distance.

   Another middle step would be to stop hiding violence and bruises from others. You had called cops multiple times already, it is not complete secret. At least some people know.

   >I have amazing family but he knows where they live. He knows where I work…he would track me down regardless.

   That sounds seriously dangerous. Look at how restraining orders work in your area. You can call cops, but this time he does not live with you to come back after being taken away.

10. Others have provided great advice on next steps and resources. Something to keep in mind, if you call the police on someone numerous times and do not show up to court, you can get a failure to comply charge. This happened to someone I know and they had to pay a lot to get it removed. I’m not sure if this could affect you it’s just something to keep in mind when protecting yourself. Take care of yourself OP, you deserve happiness and peace.

11. Love is not enough.

    At some point you need to have some survival skills.

    Contact a DV shelter. They are professionals. They know the steps.

12. He doesn’t love you if he hits you. He will eventually **kill you** if you don’t figure out how to leave.

    Even if he knows where your family lives, go and stay with them. Now. Yes, he will cause trouble but he is less able to hurt you if you are with your family. Alert the police, alert everyone. Stop caring about him and protect yourself.

13. So what happens when he starts hitting your kids?

    There are organizations that will help you get out and get away from him. He will kill or seriously injure you and your children. At a minimum, your children are being emotionally scarred from seeing you be abused. Please get out.

14. Where are you located? The YWCA is a great resource for safety planning and providing support.

15. There’s one contingency that hasn’t been addressed in the comments yet.

    > Recently it has become unbearable,

    If he’s always had a tendency toward abusive behavior, then of course you need to leave immediately for your own safety.

    OTOH, if this behavior has only manifested in the last year or so, a neurologist consultation and a brain MRT might be advisable.

    But either way, you should not be subjecting yourself to this abuse.

16. You do, actually, want him to get in trouble, if you care about the person he becomes. It is near impossible for someone who is abusive to ever become better if their behavior is left unchecked. Do you think that he likes who he is? I’d bet he feels completely out of control and unhinged. Giving him real consequences is a form of love. Taking care of yourself is a form of love. Don’t let him be this behavior. Get out, get help, get him the help he isn’t able to get himself – call the police, press charges, use the tools of the system to make yourself safe. It’s not kind to enable someone to be a monster.

17. Does he hit the dogs too?

18. Just take the dogs and go. You can still care and love someone but not be able to be with them. This seems like one of those kind of situations. Yes we understand you don’t want to take them away from him or leave them with him but if you stay it only gets worse from here for you. Then he has the dogs anyway.

    If you keep staying just cause you don’t know what to do, you’ll never leave. Im not saying run to your family but at least let them know whats going so they are aware of the situation. Then get some where safe where he wouldn’t think to look for you. Then you can take it from there. You can always go to your local police department and let them know if he tries to file a missing persons report. You’re not missing you just didn’t feel safe with him anymore. They might be able to help you more than you think.

19. Leave him. He will keep hurting you and you don’t deserve to live your life in terror. Dogs will be fine.

20. “He lost it and punched me repeatedly..” Leave. He has gone way past the point of no return. There is no respect. You cannot fix this. You cannot wait it out. It won’t get better. Love him from afar but leave. Your dogs are not worth more than your life. He probably treats them better than you. You don’t know that he will track you down, he may just want to control what’s in his life. Leave his life. Sort out the dog situation after.

21. You don’t want him in trouble but he doesn’t want you intact. He’s working to destroy you physically and emotionally and he NEEDS to be in trouble. At some point he may tire of you and just be the one to up and leave and then because you didn’t get him in trouble he’s free to do it all over again to someone else. Leaving you without a plan or any control over the situation, and that’s the best case scenario. Worst case, he’s gonna just kill you.
    Leave, now, and file charges. Get a protective order. Take the dogs for a walk and keep walking. Absolutely nothing is more valuable than your safety.

22. Every choice you have in front of you is risky–there is no easy answer. Do you have a therapist? Can you start seeing one secretly–they do zoom/virtual meetings now, many of them. I am really worried for you OP. Terrified. You need support, a team made up of mental health professionals, your loved ones, and the police hopefully. I hope you find the strength to gather this support to you and find a way to stay safe and keep your animals safe too. Good luck to you.

23. Gather evidence of what he does. Record him, take photos. If you can document the abuse, that puts you in the driver seat. Get a restraining order and document if he violates it.

24. Time to get a plan in place my love. Get the help of someone you trust but not too close a friend that he can find you there. My friend in a similar situation hid out at one of the rooms of the old pub she used to work at. When she was ready, she got all her important documents and essentials, grabbed her dog and stayed in that room for a few days while sorting things out. She then moved to a new city, completely shut down her Facebook, her dad moved with her and her mum moved house. She deleted all mutual friends that would update him on her whereabouts. She has now been free of him for 5 years. There is a way out. People will help you. Don’t be afraid to rely on others. It feels like he has power over you right now because you are in contact. Cut the cord, leave him. You will never make a smarter decision in your life. We’re here for you.

25. Who do you love more, him or you? Because it should and is always you. No one will be with you always, you have a responsibility to yourself. You cannot neglect yourself, because if you don’t love, respect and take care of you, how can you ask it of others?

    You know what to do. This isn’t a matter of what will happen to him,how much you love him, or anything like that. This is about **how much do you love you**. What do you owe yourself?

    You know what the right choice is. You know what decisions will protect you, and so do those around you. It’s time to make them, because you are number one in your life. (And the doggie, take them too of course, they are yours to protect).

26. Let me get this straight… you want to stay with someone who punched you repeatedly (to the point that the cops seem to be involved) over snoring because… you have two dogs together? Do I have that right?

    Think about how that would sound if your best friend said it to you. Because it’s absolutely bonkers.

    Take the dogs and go. Even if you can’t take the dogs, go. Because ultimately? You’re way more important than a dog. Seriously.

    I’m sorry if I sound harsh here but this is so upside down. Think about this situation from the perspective of someone who isn’t you. It’s easy to justify things when you’re close to the situation. You find reasons to stay – the dogs – even though you know darn well that you absolutely need to leave.

    This man is an abusive POS. You deserve so much more. Leave. If he gets in trouble for hurting you? He deserves it. It’s not your fault. It’s his.

27. This abuse is going to escalate eventually (it ALWAYS does). He’s going to get worse, not better. At some point, you may end up dead if you don’t get away from this man. Have you tried a restraining order after you move? I know it won’t physically stop him, but it can give the police legal recourse to arrest him should he appear near you.

28. Have you tried calling your local domestic violence or women’s shelter? They have people that can help you create an escape plan for you and your pets. They can also provide counseling, and put you in touch with legal assistance.

29. You need to leave before the abuse gets worse.