Hi Everyone.
My partner and I were in a relationship for 3 1/2 years. Throughout our relationship she struggled with her sexuality and what she wanted out of a relationship. We set very clear boundaries and she started seeking out answers for her questions that she had in other people, but the sole boundary being that it would not impede on our relationship, because we loved each other and that’s what mattered to us the most.
She got some answers to some of her questions, but around the time of the break up (8 months ago) she stated that she needed to be by herself because she had been in and out of relationships since she was 15 and hadn’t had time to herself develop her own image of herself. She wanted to break up. I did not, but I understood why. She stated that I had done nothing wrong or anything to cause this, but also that even though she was hoping to be ready for a relationship one day, she said she probably wouldn’t get back together with me. The reason was because she thinks we have different ideas of what we both want out of life, regarding marriage, kids, etc. At first we didn’t but it did over the course of our relationship for her. I didn’t fight her on it. If I fought, I would just become another obstacle for her to overcome in her efforts to be herself, and I wouldn’t stand in the way of that. We still loved each other and wanted to stay in each others lives and we did.
Even though we were not together, the lack of intimacy that been so good for so long was hard to resist for both of us. Up until a week ago, we were still sexually active with each other on a somewhat regular basis. She ended that when she also told me that she had started talking to another guy, and in all honesty it’s the fact that she was so ready to just move on when she was ready, but I never had a chance to really cope and move on on my own that is what is hurting me the most.
Now that I’ve been reduced to just a good friend, what I’m really struggling with is if I did nothing wrong then why would she not want to get back together? “I don’t think we want the same things” assumes that I’m unwilling to change which I’ve never been throughout the relationship. Hearing “You didn’t do anything wrong” but also “I don’t see us getting back together” and being sexually active with right until you meet someone else doesn’t make me feel like I did nothing wrong. It also makes me feel used.
I just had no one to get feedback from on this and I hope to find some relief here. Thank you to anyone who can provide insight.
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**tl;dr**: F broke up with M even though he did nothing wrong but won’t get back together with him. M is very confused
7 comments
You aren’t entitled to a relationship with anyone. If you don’t like this dynamic, you can remove yourself from it. Find someone who wants what you want. You can’t force anyone to do what you want or be what you want.
You’re right to feel used. It sounds like you were hoping for another chance, and she just wanted a hook up. Wanting different things like marriage and kids is a big reason why a lot of relationships fail – a lot of people don’t change their mind about it and it would be wrong if she expected that to change. That’s not to say your mind won’t change, just to clarify her side a bit.
It’s kind of insane to me that she’s been in and out of relationships since she was 15, it sounds like she wants to break the cycle but she’s failing at it by dating this new guy. It’s not your issue, but I’m sorry that you got caught up in it with her. I also think that having sex makes it really difficult to get over someone and move on, but that’s just my 2 cents. I think what’s best is to just call it done and not let her be a part of your life anymore.
She didn’t want to be in a relationship.
You don’t have to have “done something wrong”. Relationships happen when both people want to be in them. They end when one person doesn’t.
It is painful, but you need to stop trying to make her wrong or bad because she didn’t have a good enough reason. She had every reason she is needs: She didn’t want to date you anymore.
The only person here who denied you the time and space you needed to cope with the breakup, was you. You choose to be sexually active and intimate with someone who was not committed to you, had told you they didn’t see themselves getting back together with you. and was clearly exploring her options with others.
Realize you were a full participant in the situation. She didn’t do this to you. You choose it for yourself as well, and it was probably a bad choice for you to continue having sex with someone you wanted a relationship with, who had been quite clear that wasn’t going to happen.
Take some space and time apart now. She’s not entitled to your “good friendship” anymore than you’re entitled to “a chance” at a relationship.
You need to accept that the relationship is over and move on. It only takes one person to end a relationship, and she has done that. You are not entitled to a relationship with her. “Not wanting the same things in life” (like kids, marriage, etc) is an EXCELLENT reason to end a relationship. She has moved on. You need to do the same.
She told you that she wouldn’t want to get back together, so it’s not fair to expect that. You’ve had 8 months. That’s 8 months worth of chances to decide you need closure and to move on. She was happy with a FWB situation while she figured her life back, but you clearly felt like sex was just a way to stay close to her and try to get back together. That’s on you, unless there are relevant details missing. It was up to each of you to figure out what you needed to be okay with the reality of your circumstances and you didn’t, thinking she would change your mind. It’s not reasonable to be butt hurt that she meant what she said
Breakups are not a punishment for “doing something wrong”. If someone doesn’t want to date someone else, that is sufficient cause to end the relationship.
You can do everything right and still lose. You can be a good person and still be someone she doesn’t want.