I (22M) have been together with my girlfriend (21F) for almost 3 years. We have been together since Highschool and live in the same city where we are both studying at a university. We do not live together but see each other around five nights a week, sometimes more.
I would generally describe our relationship as happy, we have many things in common, similar humor and I would say that I love her. But there are some things I have mixed feelings about.
​
Regularly when I am with her it just kind of feels like I am in an emotional purgatory. It’s not bad, I don’t feel bad. But often I am starting to feel emotionally ‘’numb’’ (don’t know how to better describe it). But I often think that I would be better if we saw each other less frequently (there has hardly been an instance where we have been apart for more than a few days since covid started).
We also text constantly and always update each other what we are doing at like 1-2 hour intervals depending on how busy we are. This evolved naturally over the course of our relationship, but she does mention to me when she thinks we haven’t talked enough during the day and it has led to some fights in the past when I haven’t responded for an extended period of time.
We often argue and I feel like I can’t always show my true emotions with her. I often feel like I am walking on eggshells around her. And also like I have learned behavior to not upset her. It feels like I am not quite myself in some of the things I do when I am around her.
I always apologize for the littlest things and I don’t feel like it is in my power to even control whether we argue or not, like there is nothing I can do beforehand to avoid the argument or deescalate (we often argue because she is upset about something I am doing/the way I said something to her during an argument).
Arguing with her tends to feel pointless and not like she wants to solve an issue between us, but rather like she wants some kind of immediate closure for me doing something that she didn’t like. Or like she wants me to feel how upset she is.
In the last few months we haven’t argued as much as before, but I also feel like that’s because now I am acting the way she wants me to.
​
One thing that is also weird is that I feel like I can’t take time for myself. Like if she wants us to spend the evening together I can’t just say ‘’I want time for myself’’ without causing a fight. I always need a reason she deems valid like having to study or something.
I have talked to her about the issue and that I want more time for myself and my hobbies. And she seems to be fine with that and is acting supportive. But often when I mention that I want time for myself she starts a fight about something that wouldn’t bother her otherwise and in the end I come over and we make up because if we keep arguing over the phone it often takes literal hours for us to make up and my night to myself is ruined either way.
She also doesn’t appear to even want to spend time for herself apart from a few exceptions so I am always the one saying that we won’t be seeing each other tonight (which otherwise appears to be the default).
​
There have also been several instances where we had big fights and I don’t feel like my feelings are respected during them.
Like one time she slapped my drink out of my hand when we were arguing, which hurt my feelings a lot. When I tried to talk to her about the situation the next day and during several instances since then she said that she understood her actions were wrong and she repeatedly apologized. But she also kept saying how, while not justified, her action was understandable since I upset her so badly which led to the argument. To be fair what led to the argument was definitely my fault, but I don’t think it justifies or explains such behavior.
I obviously play a part in the fights as I tend to get upset when I feel like I am being treated unfairly.
So that’s what’s going on, here is my issue: I don’t know how to break up or if I even want to break up with her because I just keep talking myself out of it. I am of course scared about the future after our relationship may be over. But I think I am mostly scared of breaking up with her because of the short-term situation that would put me in. I also often catch myself immediately dismissing all negative thoughts about her or our relationship whenever they come up.
I feel like I am getting these feelings of wanting to break up with her every few weeks/months since last summer (even longer now that I am thinking about it), but they fill me with dread and always disappear after a few days. I am not sure if that’s because I am having unreasonable doubts or if it is because I am shoving them down. But I do think that it is taking a toll on my emotional health.
I don’t know if I am being manipulated or something or what is going on with me. I don’t feel like my feelings are respected during fights and that is also an issue.
I apologize for this post being all over the place. I am trying to organize my thoughts and have edited it/added stuff/tried to structure it like 50 times. This is the first time that I have shared my true feelings about the relationship with anyone.
What do I do from here? Why does she act like this? How do I discover my true feelings? And most importantly: Why is the thought of breaking up with my girlfriend scaring me so much?
​
TL;DR: Don’t know how to feel about my almost 3 year relationship. I have recurring thoughts about breaking up which I often try to distract myself from until they disappear. I don’t know why I am feeling like this.
3 comments
Come on. You already know the answer. If you didn’t before, you must have by the time you finished writing this post.
You are “in emotional purgatory” because she easily becomes upset and does not respect how you feel. A relationship cannot work if the people in them don’t respect each other. It sounds like you should either get couple’s counseling to help you talk about your issues, or breakup.
You have not broken up with her yet because you know it will be painful for both of you. Even though you don’t want to be in a relationship with her, you still have feelings for her, which is natural.
However, you need to put your own health and well-being first because it sounds like you are suffering.
If you had other options I’d tell you to dump her and go pursue those, but it sounds like you don’t. It’s possible to fix this, but in order to do so you need to be willing and able to walk away from this relationship at the drop of a hat.
Anyway I’m gonna tackle your second to last paragraph full of questions.
*why does she act like this?*
Basically, she doesn’t respect you. She doesn’t respect your feelings, she doesn’t respect your time, she doesn’t respect you period. In her head, if she pushes you hard enough, regardless what the conflict is about, you will cave to her demands. How have you responded to this? By caving to her demands EVERY SINGLE TIME. That’s literally why she bulldozes you – because you let her. Stop doing this. Don’t talk about it, no more discussions or conversations – tomorrow you’re going to wake up and decide that you do whatever the fuck you want and she can be with you, or she can kick rocks. It is what it is.
*How do I discover my true feelings?*
You need time alone to discover who you are. Once again, I’d highly recommend dumping this girl and exploring yourself (and other girls), but if you don’t wanna do that, at the very least, you need to start taking time for yourself. She’s probably going to object to this, but that’s where putting your foot down comes into play. Next time you need some alone time, let her know. ‘ hey babe I’m going to be busy for the next few hours ‘ boom, done. If she gives you pushback, put your foot down. If she tries to start an argument, put your fucking foot down. “If you can’t give me space in this relationship, that means you have an issue with codependency and for the sake of my own health, I refuse to be in that kind relationship dynamic. ‘ boom done. SHE MIGHT LEAVE but you need to be comfortable with that if you’re going to use this strategy.
*Why is the thought of breaking up with my girlfriend scaring me so much?*
Cus like I said, you probably don’t have any options and can’t replace her. If you had 5 other girls hitting up your phone every week trying to get at you, you wouldn’t be dealing with this behavior from your girl. She’d either keep herself in check because she knows other girls want you, or you would have ditched her as soon as she became a headache. That’s how it works with guys who get play.