I really need to get this off my chest because I have no one to turn to for support about my problems.
A bit long background before i tell the situation right now. I am a 34-year-old woman living in Canada, but I am Chinese.My father’s family (I’m not sure if they ever considered me family) has run a successful fishing business for nearly 70 years. They have a lot of money and are well-known for their successful business.My mother’s family is wealthy because both of my grandparents are professors. My two older brothers (36 and 38m) get everything they want, whereas I have to beg them to buy me a new pair of shoes because they despise the fact that I exist in this world.
What’s the reason? A typical Asian reason for disliking women.Boys are superior to girls. Woman should stay in the kitchen while men make money, that sort of thing.
My parents despise the fact that I can outshine my two wonderful brothers (not going to happen tho) I am not smart at all but i am active and always participates in events and stuffs. They always tell me not to do this or that and to stay at home and clean the house.I moved out after graduating from high school and received a scholarship. I flew to US and graduated four years ago. I passed the board exam and am returned to Canada to look for work.
Following that, I received a phone call from my grandmother congratulating me. I feel super happy since when I was a child, she has been the only person who has shown genuine concern for me and has given me gifts.(Small thing but i 100% appreciate it)
My parents chastised me for BRAGGING about my accomplishments and tried to force me to resign from my job.
I’ve cut all contact with them since then, but I’ve kept in touch with my brothers, who also treat me good.They are probably sick of my parents’ behavior as well, but they don’t know how to cut ties because my parents expect a lot from them.
Now, the main reason I’m posting this is that my mother has been diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. My brothers both refused to stay with her and asked my father to hire a nanny or caregiver instead.
My father had no choice but to ask me if I could at least be with my mother.No, I said. I told him that if they only remember me because they have no other options, I’m out. I don’t care if my mother is afraid of needles or simply wants some company while undergoing chemotherapy. How can they expect me to look after them when they treat me as an outsider and criticise me as a useless child?
They never give me love, support, or even simple compliments. All my life, they have blamed me for this and that.
But still,she is the woman who gave birth to me, and I feel terrible about it.
I don’t know what to do. My mind is a mess and i can’t do any work because of the continuous calls from my mom’s family side and from my dad’s family side forcing and pushing me to agreee to take care of the sick woman who gave birth to me.
What do i do?
(Note: Yes, My mother told me that she never considers me as her daughter when i told them that i am flying to US to study. When i was a child every birthday she would look at me with disgust and told me she never wished to celebrate anymore of my birthdays
TLDR: I(34f) don’t know if i should take care of my sick mother (72f). She never treats me as her daughter and always saw me as someone who can just die and they couldn’t care less.
25 comments
You don’t need to take care of your mother. Block them. If they have never treated you like family, then they’re not your family. You don’t owe that woman care just because she gave birth to you.
You don’t owe her or anyone else anything. Your parents are abusing you once again by expecting their “investment” to pan out in their time of need. Kids are NOT retirement plans. Even if they were good to you, you have no obligations.
I commend your bravery for cutting ties and educating yourself. That must have been extremely difficult without the support you should have had. And I’m sorry your family seems to only want you in their lives when it’s convenient for them. I would hold fast to your convictions and keep saying NO!
Saying NO is difficult and obviously can come with guilt which you are feeling. Ask yourself if they would have helped you were the roles reversed, if you think Your mother will still put you down and abuse you even if you were to try and help her, and what toll on your mental health helping would take. Maybe those questions can help you feel more confident in your decision.
If you don’t fill the cup you can’t expect a drink. Your parents could have loved you the way you deserved and enjoyed many years of reciprocal loving support. But they CHOSE not to. Be brave and strong like you have been. You can choose to say NO!
Wow if that’s the case you don’t own her nothing. Her golden boys don’t want nothing so you really don’t need to be one to help.
First off you are a good woman for even considering taking care of her. In spite of the torture and I do mean torture, you endured as a child you still managed to become successful in your own right.
Just because someone birthed you doesn’t mean that you owe them any respect. It’s the parents responsibility to love and support their child. When they fail that responsibility then they don’t deserve your time much less your thoughts.
You can and should politely decline and go live your life without a second thought. There is no need to delay the pursuit of your happiness. No need to feel guilty.
I wish you well on your endeavors and put a smile on your face. You’re worth it. Shine as best as you can and give love in all the ways you didn’t have as a child.
Good luck to you
Now it is your turn to show the old hag apathy. You owe her nothing.
The argument that “she gave birth to me” is somehow justification for a reward or special treatment always struck me as odd, especially if the mother treats you poorly afterward. Nobody asks to be born and life can suck. Gee, thanks a lot, mom.
Your brothers said no for a reason. You were right to say no as well. Sounds like your family can afford in-home care, let them pay for it.
you don’t need anyone’s permission to say no. but here it is if you need it: no is a complete sentence. you can just say no.
if she wanted a dutiful daughter to care for her in her old age and sickness she shouldn’t have disowned you.
Don’t lift a finger for her.
Well you say all those relatives are calling you, why dont they take care of her themselves?
Even if their houses are unavaliable they could at least divide days among themselves and at least bring a hot bowl of soup.
They have all that people at China and they are asking the lone daughter at Canada to come back? Embarrassing.
It is easy to demand others to do work, you get to say “do this” and shirk your responsibility at the same time.
Block. And dont look back.
I hate your parents. Please don’t sacrifice yourself. She’s had your entire lifetime to make her choices, one of them was to treat you awfully, she absolutely doesn’t deserve any more of your soul. Turn off your phone, take a bunch of deep breaths, and be free, please! You deserve all of the good bits of life, I think you’ve suffered enough of the bad xo
And I say this as a mother too, my kids and I are awesome but I’d still never ever ask them to sacrifice their lives like that anyway, they get to have their turn to experience life.
That really hurt. She expressed her disgust towards you with every opportunity she got. She reminds me of a leech trying to suck everything good out of you so she can feast upon your misery to make herself feel a bit less miserable.
I recommend cutting ties with this toxic relationship with your mom.
She doesnt look at you as a daughter, why would you look at her as a mother? She has family who can look after her, now they want to pass the buck to you? why?
Fist of all. You are smart.
Like you said she is the women who gave birth to you… nothing else
Just be aware if you do it, they are just using you because you’re the most convenient choice. You won’t be thanked and you won’t be appreciated and they’ll just treat it as you fulfilling your “obligation”. And they’ll discard you afterwards. I wouldn’t do it.
Her path, not yours.
Stay strong OP. Please see this for what it is: your parents trying to exert control over you, after you have freed yourself from them and had the audacity to be successful wholly on your own. This is not love, nor do they “have no choice” – this is their last-ditch effort to abuse you again. Cut them off and continue to live your best life.
Relationships are things that are built, not things that you owe. They now face the consequences for never trying to build a relationship with you. You do not owe them any portion of your life that is going to interupt what you have been building for yourself.
No, you don’t owe her that affection or your presence since she didn’t give that affection to you despite you being her CHILD. You may feel guilty but that’s normal and it’s mostly because they are there to make you feel bad about it. Is the dad also guilt tripping the sons?
i say cut them off still, no need to feel responsible for a person just because “she gave birth to you” when she never even acknowledged you as her daughter.
Why is “family” a good reason for you to give up your whole life to be their slave, when “family” was never a good reason for them to treat you with love and respect? They had 34 years to show they cared and they never did. **You don’t owe them anything.**
It’s not even like they’re desperate; they can easily afford to hire help. The only reason they want you to come do it is because they do not want you to be happy.
Please block their phone calls and messages and stop talking to these people who don’t care about you and just want you to feel bad.
It must be so conflicting for you. You have done such an amazing job of fighting against the culture and succeed in your life. I highly doubt that either parent would see you differently if you were to help them. I think times like this you need to ask yourself what is right for you, will you feel guilty or can you live with the outcomes of your choices.
I was raised in an abusive family, the repercussions had a lasting impact on my future. I was no contact for a number of years until they found my ex, he never gave my details but let me know they had been in contact. Turns out mum was confined to a wheelchair and the other 4 siblings didn’t care. I met with them and we talked about the abuse etc and decided we would go forward as adults not parents and daughter. It wasn’t as easy as I make it sound. My father then developed Alzheimer’s and I moved in to care for him and mum. If could never have done that if they had not previously acknowledged my childhood.
I imagine that with the cultural aspect added it would be so hard. You need to do what’s right for you, there is no shame in walking away or choosing to help.
So you have been conditioned to do as you were told and probably emotionally battered for a long time.
Until you broke away and did your own thing.
Good for you.
Now they are trying to claw you back on the pretex that you are needed, not for your brains, or company or even as a daughter, but as someone to run errands, keep her company. Why? because they don’t value your work, your life or your time. Your choices are not being respected again.
If you feel that guilty then offer some money to get some help, do not stop your life for years.
Yes your mother is sick and you probably want to visit, but given the circumstances they are all going to assume you are there to take her to treatment and do whatever she needs, I know that often patients have a family member with them in hospital.
Ultimately all your family think your life is free to come and be a carer for your mother because they are too cheap to hire someone.
Cut off their calls, send their messages to voicemail.
If you start thinking about it, imagine sitting around all day listening to her complain about how useless you are, how you should be married, give them a grandson, etc etc. For months.
Funny how she hasn’t directly asked? Or has she? It appears that her family and your dad’s family don’t want to be around her. I wonder why…….
Also you have rent to pay and a job, so who is going to pay for that, your expenses etc whilst you are not working, practically the same cost as a carer if you add it all up. A plane ride might cover a whole month of carer costs.
Being practical, you flying from another country is not saving them any money, I would ask them to cover your rent and bills, plane tickets and costs of living in china. It won’t seem like such a good idea after that I am sure.
DO NOT BECOME HER CARETAKER. Stand your ground on this.
Any one of these extended family members could step in, but they don’t. They have time to try to guilt you though, don’t they?
Live your life, OP. And congratulations for graduating from college!