Since the beginning of our relationship my girlfriend has always said that she has trouble saying “I love you”. This includes, texting, writing; basically any way you could say or write it. According to her it was so extreme that she wouldn’t even be able to say “I love this band” or “I love this song”. Her parents apparently never really said it to her (her parents are otherwise very loving, just a tad stoic) and so it became, in her own words, a really ‘big’ and ‘scary’ thing to say. Fine by me, obviously. She makes me feel loved, shows her love in a lot of different ways and her not being able to say those three words didn’t diminish any part of our relationship in my opinion. Our relationship is great!
To my surprise, a month ago we were laying in bed talking and she suddenly said “I love you”. I said it back, it was really emotional, we talked about it for a bit, et cetera. She told me that with me she finally felt the space with me to say such a thing, and that her feelings for me were different than she’d ever had for anyone else. I was really happy—mostly that that part of her finally opened up, and that she felt safe enough with me to do so. Now she says it candidly all the time, we text it to each other and so on. It feels natural. She often tells me that it feels like such a weight off her shoulders, being able to say “I love you”.
We are very open with each other and have each other’s phone passwords, use each other’s phone if our own is charging and so forth. A few nights ago she was in the shower with my phone listening to music while her phone was charging in the living room. I was dicking around on Reddit on her phone and suddenly remembered a picture I sent her on WhatsApp which I wanted to take a look at again. The message with the picture attached included the words “I love you” so I just searched those keywords in the app so that I could find it faster. I found the picture, but I noticed that the scroll bar for those keywords was really small indicating a lot of matches for those keywords. I should have just left it at that but curiosity got the better of me and I scrolled down, only to see hundreds of messages between her and her ex-partner saying “I love you”. I quickly put the phone away.
Normally I wouldn’t think anything of this, it’s a normal thing to say to a person you’re in a relationship with (and they were together for around 2 years). It would have never been an issue, but paired with the fact that she emphasized SO many times that she had NEVER been able to say it, thus making it into a huge subject, and then telling me she’s never felt the space to say that to anyone but me and that just not being true, was very bizarre to me. It might be my ego talking but I felt a bit… hurt or blindsided? I don’t know. I just really don’t understand why she would lie about something so trivial, I wouldn’t have had a care in the world if I knew she’d said it to anyone else before me, but the fact that she made it into such a huge thing while it isn’t even true is ludicrous to me.
We’ve never had any issues and I’ve never caught her in another lie or anything like that. I’m not angry, just really confused about why. I’m not even sure if I should bring it up, but it’s been on my mind. What would you do?
TL;DR: GF for her whole life wasn’t able to say “I love you” and now she can say it to me, but I found texts between her and her ex-BF saying it to each other. I wouldn’t have cared if they did, but the fact that she made a huge deal about NEVER being able to say those words to anyone but me feels like a bizarre thing to lie about. I really don’t understand why. Not sure if I should bring it up.
EDIT: added some more information
10 comments
> I just really don’t understand why she would lie about something so trivial,
Yeah this is really rough. It WOULD have been trivial, but it seems like she has made it into this gargantuan thing and wasn’t even honest about it.
>I’m not even sure if I should bring it up
It’s going to eat at you if you never discuss it but at the same time, people that have made such an effort to lie about something like this don’t tend to respond positively when presented evidence of their lie. I would present it just as you have here, how you came upon those messages, and why this is really confusing for you. It will likely be a very difficult conversation.
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Idk, texting and saying it are two very different things. I have a hard time with it myself. I’m able to text it all day long. Actually saying though? Difficult. Gives me anxiety to some point. I’m actually not even sure how to react when someone actually says it too.
Going through her texts wasn’t okay. You should ask about it more if it bothers you, but I understand her point completely.
Talk to her but be careful. You don’t want to attack her at all. Yet, you really need to emphasize just how much this concerns you and makes you feel like alot of what she said was completely false. Do not let get rug swept basically. Good luck man update us later if you feel up to it because this is definitely a weird one and hopefully not just an attempt at manipulation.
Sorry dude, but she should dump you. You snooped around on her phone.
I just want to say, saying I love you and being affectionate is really hard for me myself AND me and my ex sent thousands of I Love you’s.
BUT my ex towards the end hurt me so much, to the point of ptsd and trauma, that now it feels impossible to hug someone or even communicate that I like/love someone.
We don’t know everything in her life, that ex may have been able to get her to say it and then crushed her heart, making it hard again. I have a family that was mentally abusive, had an ex break my heart and made me attempt several times. Most men I talk to know i struggle with affection, but i haven’t told them why.
Maybe something happened that caused her to feel this way? (this is just one possible example).
I think the important thing is to 1.) stop snooping through phones, there’s no reason to do that. 2.) realize she’s with you, and it may have been hard to say “i love you” because of a past of hers, and now she told you. The only weird thing on her part is why she still has those messages from her past? I’ve deleted everything from mine, but if you want to you should speak to her. Only she knows the truth, not reddit.
She may just be playing games to make you feel special. Weird games. She sounds very immature.
As others have said to her, you should definitely ask her about this. I don’t think you did anything wrong by coming across these messages in the way you did, if she gets angry at you for “snooping” that’s her deflecting and being defensive and is a bad sign.
I wonder if she just didn’t feel ready to say she loved you yet and didn’t want to hurt you by telling you so? It’s hard not to say “I love you” back when someone says it, and not doing so can end relationships. Maybe it took her time to truly know she is in love with you and for her to feel truthful saying those words.
Whatever it is, if you don’t confront it, the seeds of doubt will grow and ultimately destroy the relationship. Good luck – and I’d definitely be curious to read an update if you feel comfortable sharing one at a later date.
Writing and speaking may be different to her. Which would indicate that writing has much less weight and sincerity.
The alternative is that she wanted to avoid lying to you.
It’s possible that in her previous relationship she was pressured to say it even though she wasn’t comfortable or ready. If this is the case she might be compensating now by making a big deal about how she won’t say it and you shouldn’t expect it to head off any similar problems. Just one possibility.
It’s kind of like how if you ever make the mistake of telling your bf about your ex who pressured you into sex stuff you didn’t want to do he’ll act sympathetic, but once you turn his favored kink down too many times he throws it in your face that “you did X with your last boyfriend, you must love him more.” Not every single man on earth will pull that shit, but if you run into it once you don’t take chances in the future. It’s safer to have your bf believe you never do The Thing in relationships than try to explain you only did it before because you were coerced.
But also she might just be telling you bizarre lies. You’ll have to talk to her about it.