Deleted.

Thank you everyone who responded.

42 comments

  1. You need couples therapy. You mention him and you and he and I. Never anything together.

    You both are married, your money is his and his money is yours. It’s not separate. So if he goes into default, you’re also responsible.

    I wish you both the best.

  2. Ask him why is he incompetent and how does he plan to fix it? That includes him learning to cook and do chores. Either he can make a plan to fix this and execute it or you two need to divorce. Odds are decent he should be evaluated for an attention disorder. It is the most likely explanation for that level of incompetence that isn’t deliberate to make other people do things for him. He should get evaluated immediately, and see about treatment options if he has an attention disorder. If he can turn this around, then great. And he needs to start actually working to build up life skills. Because right now you have a child, not a partner, and if he doesn’t change that fast, then you should divorce him.

    You also need to talk to him about how he broke your trust in the relationship. He told you he didn’t have insurance when he did. Now you need to check everything, because you can’t trust him to be honest with you, and you won’t make decisions without seeing the evidence for yourself. He will need to re-earn your trust with honesty and responsibility.

    Set an amount of time for yourself you can put up with this to see if he actually can improve, and if he is working towards improvement during that time, let him. If he refuses to get help and try to fix this, then just start divorce proceedings immediately. But maybe this can be fixed, if he is willing to really put in the effort.

  3. Probably past time to sit down and have a real conversation about his need to step up as an adult. It’s one thing to be in school and want to focus on that, but the dude needs to be on top of his shit and doing his share of household chores. If he’s constantly forgetting things and doesn’t have a lot of executive function he can use the school counselling office he’s probably paying for to get evaluated for ADHD or depression or any other myriad of things (and if not he can make an effort). Otherwise he’s just traded living with his mom for living with his mommy.

  4. It sounds like he’s completely unwilling or incapable of taking any responsibility, and you’ve been the only adult in the relationship this entire time. Does he have any plan to step up and change that?

  6. You’re mothering your husband the whole entire relationship and this dynamic is going to be very hard to adjust as that’s why this relationship has been working from the start. He’s an adult and you are not obligated to shoulder his debt and his lifestyle. I would really consider putting the brakes and giving him a rude awakening before you call it off entirely. The last thing you want is your financials and your mental health being compromised over someone who’s suppose to be just as independent and responsible. He’s shown you over the years many many times that he’s not so i think it’s time to rethink this “love” and really look at the bigger picture and the reality of this if it continues.

    At some point of this relationship OP, i hope that you don’t pass the point where you will also be driven into debt or have to absorb any of his that he could still be hiding.

  7. Dear god don’t have kids with this person. He’s either a lazy and irresponsible mooch, or a complete idiot. It’s one or the other. Either way, he either hasn’t the intention or ability to step up and act like an adult. He can’t even open his emails? He sounds like he just doesn’t care to be honest, which is massively disrespectful to you. I guess ask yourself how long you’re willing to put up with it for. Stay on birth control

  8. He was a financial mess when you met him and you’ve been helping him take baby steps everyday since that day. Why would it be different now?

  9. Yup sounds like a come to Jesus meeting. You have expectations, if he does not meet those expectations then there are consequences since you are footing the bill and he doesn’t recognize the additional responsibility. It would be interesting to find a minor “fail” so he would have a greater understanding of consequences.

  10. You need to cut his access to any of your accounts and give him an allowance. I mean, this guy has never done anything for himself, you took the reigns directly from his mother. I don’t know why you’re surprised that you ended up with a near-30 toddler.

  11. Be clear that you will not continue to pay for his school expenses if he continues to be derelict in his ability to manage them. It is a privilege that he has taken advantage of and it is causing you stress and emotional damage that will ruin your marriage if it continues. Tell him you are his wife, not his mother, and you will be doing your part to separate yourself from the mothering dynamic you have created. Sounds like he struggles with organization and task management, maybe there are resources at his school that can help him get on track.

  13. This guy doesn’t respect you or the money you bring in. He is using this education larp in order to skate by. Why doesn’t he drop classes he knows he’s going to fail or even try to make the costs lower by doing the most basic of things? Because he doesn’t care, full stop. He doesn’t work for the money that goes toward these things, so it doesn’t matter to him.

    Don’t get swayed by the typical Reddit “but what if he has ADHD/depression/what have you” excuse. This man was functional enough to hold down a job before, he can do things if they are important to him. This is just, not.

    I turned down an offer from a boyfriend to go back to school before. I had dropped out and lost my scholarship because I had to work full time on top of school and couldn’t take anything less than a full time student schedule in order to utilize the scholarship. It was a crummy situation, but, by the time the offer was on the table, I was well aware that I would not have the ability to focus on school and make the most of it. I definitely knew I was not in the right mental place to justify quitting work and letting another person support me and pay for school. That it would only create tons of strife in our relationship and disappointment toward myself from myself and my boyfriend. That it would ultimately ruin our relationship. That what is happening to you would happen to my boyfriend, how you feel disrespected and taken advantage of.

    It’s really tough to come back from a slight like that, and it sounds like your husband feels entitled to the point that he punishes you for daring to be disappointed in him when he is acting in a disappointing manner. You need to sit him down and rethink his education plan. It looks like it’s about time he goes back to work and just consider that education is not for him. I believe it’s the only thing that could save your relationship, and his flagrant disrespect may have already permanently soured you toward him, and I wouldn’t blame you for that.

    Couples counseling, immediately, at any rate. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

  15. You have turned into a Sugar Mama. Serious talk, Financial bootcamp, and Spreadsheets. More importantly, X amount of months to shape up or ship out. If he doesn’t get a kick in the pants, there’s no motivation to change.
    r/credit r/personalfinance

  16. Weekly or monthly supervision of his outgoings. Despite being EVEN MORE work for you, it will save you money in the long run.

    And it’s SUPERVISION, you’re not doing anything FOR him. You just review the correspondence and ensure that the correct payments go through.

    To be fair, all electronic payments in my house are double checked by both spouses. Purely for the sake of double checking the accuracy of amounts and card numbers. Such a process might work for you.

    Give it until year end and if hubs fails to pull up his socks warn him he has until the end of the academic year 2023 to step up. If you see no changes this semester and next semester, tell him you’re sending him back to mommy until he learns how to adult effectively.

  17. How about each of you focuses on the tasks you are good at? He does some more chores, you organise his uni stuff? You help him organize, he helps you with other work?

  18. I’m glad you are seeing the light. It sounds like it’s been a long time coming. Sounds terribly frustrating for sure.

  19. Honey, this is harsh, but you sound more like a mother than a wife. This man is a PROJECT (he sounds like a mess even before you got married). He doesn’t have any motivation to change, because he has you to babysit. He’ll keep agreeing with you about what he *should* do, make promises, take the easy way out and ignore shit until you swoop in to clean up. You sound very frustrated and tired just 1 year in.

  20. One word… Budget. You are the more responsible one so you write up the budget, give it to him and ask him if he has any additions or subtractions. Agree on it and write it up as a contract between the two of you.

  21. How do you all budget? I see “his money” and “my money” in your post. How is it supposed to work?

  22. Set a budget and limit him (and yourself) to it. And limit his access to money or credit.

    Give him a task of opening all the mail and sorting it. Or get him to commit to timely reading his mail some other way.

  23. I think we all know that he’s struggling. I can imagine reading a lot of messages about people saying these rough things about your husband.

    On the outside and me looking in, it makes me wonder about you. I know this isn’t r/therapy but It makes me wonder how you got in the situation to begin with. Usually red flags appear and when we are in love, we ignore them. But it makes me wonder what deep rooted situation in your life has caused you to go down this route with this person.

    I know everyone is going to say to leave this person, they’re going to say all the obvious. But I want to tell you that this is a great push for you to explore yourself. Because yes, you can dump this person but you will soon date again. And if my hunch is correct and it is a deep rooted issue, you will find another person like this too.

    Maybe you should dive deep into your past and what causes you to reach out to people this way.

  24. So, you’re frustrated that he has lied to you and dropped the ball many times…but you’re still running around with a net to catch him every. time. he. falls.

    You know what a good parent does NOT do? Learn or re-learn algebra to help their kid pass the class. That’s…insane. And worse for you to do it for your husband.

    He knew he was failing those classes and that semester. Did he spend that time improving his financial literacy? (school resources, podcasts, books, advice from anyone solvent?) Did he learn to cook 5 *whole* meals? Nope. He just lied to you and waited until you found out. What was he doing with that time instead?

    Sure, maybe he has ADHAD or a learning disability or depression or any of the usual suspects here. But there’s just as much evidence that he is dishonest and lazy. Funny how he was able to keep a job making a decent $40K.

    An almost-30yo cannot scramble an egg or make a grilled cheese or *something*? Really?

  26. Give him a cash allowance and remove all credit cards and checks. Consider taking him off your accounts.

  29. I just wanted to chime in and tell you that you really sound like a wonderful, supportive partner. You are going above and beyond. I hope things work out for you, and I’m sorry I don’t have more advice.

  30. School isn’t for everyone, and maybe he should have just stay dropped out if he’s not passionate about it. You met him as a drop out, and seem to be forcing a change onto him because that path worked out for you. You helped him so much but I doubt he really appreciates it since you essentially took over the role of a mother from his real one.

    You’re committed to sticking with his through richer or poorer, which is to be commended, but it looks like you just need to let this man fail into something where he fits in. You should be super careful to protect yourself regarding finances involving your husband moving forward, as you are the breadwinner and the leader with a vision in the family.

    Not sure why you would waste energy blaming yourself. You should be proud you carried your marriage this far.

  31. Damn we should be friends we’d have a lot to talk about hah. our stories are similar (but minus college for him).

  32. To echo many others, it does sound like ADHD, but he isn’t aware and taking steps to help manage his time or finances. And by finances, I mean your finances – you are totally right to feel like he’s using you as a bank at the moment. I assume you have you s mutual account, but does he have his own? If so I would link his university stuff to it so he gets the heads up that payment is coming up. If he misses that deadline that needs to come out of his money – I don’t know how you have your finances set up, maybe he has a monthly amount for fun and it would all come out of that. Obviously all of this is awkward because money is awkward but you need to sit down and talk with him and set some boundaries.

  33. You say you want to stay with him because he has no other support and you want to help. And yes, you love him. But this post and your comments read like you have more of a mother role than a partner in an equitable relationship. I’m not judging, because I’ve been there. But you’re potentially looking at spending the rest of your life in some variation of this situation.

    Are you happy? Do you feel loved and supported for who YOU are, not what you can do for him? Think hard about it. He can probably get by without you, even if he is neurodivergent. Don’t stay forever just because you feel obligated to care for him.

  34. Leave him.

    I had an ex like your husband and I supported his return to college, and assisted in some of his courses. I was also the one who encouraged him to go back to school. I handled the household budget, chores, and took care of our 2 kids, and weekend 60+ his a week. After 10 years of marriage, it was too much. I wanted a partner not a third kid. The decision was difficult, especially because I am not one to give up. This month will be 10 years I’ve been divorced, and I am extremely happy with the man I’m with now…our relationship is not 50/50 but 100/100. Sure we have bad days but we get through them together. My salary is 3x it was 10 years ago and my hubby makes just as much.

    As for my ex, he’s still telling people he’s better off without me, still blames me for his financial problems, and works at Lowe’s in the garden section. (I’m still on talking terms with my ex’s mom because of our kids)

    OP – Staying with your husband is enabling his behavior. Don’t be afraid to want more…not necessarily better but someone who is more compatible with your lifestyle, needs, and wants…😊

  36. So what you’re saying is that you are his mom. He moved out of his mom’s house right into… his new mom’s house. The way you are coddling him is nonsensical. A grown man pushing 30 who can’t cook a single thing or keep track of basic administrative details surrounding school enrollment? Honey. No.

  39. Get a calendar for your fridge, or some other place in the house where he will see it, and make a point of writing all the necessary and important dates on it. Maybe even make a point of crossing off each day, so he knows exactly where he is in relation to when things are due.

    Tell him if he doesn’t check his email, you will check it for him because he’s clearly not able to manage it himself.

    Try and find some time to go through the budgeting with him, show him the numbers and how much money has been wasted. Suggest what that money could have been spent on instead to really ram home the point.

    Make a new deal, you handle all household expenses, he handles all household duties: cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. If he has problems cooking, point him to [this Reddit post](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/wv3ggy/oop_needs_help_with_food_budgeting_to_stop/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) which has great info and tips on cooking and meal planning. Do not let him shirk, or be lazy and buy take out or frozen meals.

    The biggest thing is you need to figure out some consequences for when he fails to keep up his end. I’m not sure what that form would take, except maybe you reducing his ‘allowance’ (if you give him one) or taking money from what he makes part-time? I dunno, but I’m sure you could find something to make a consequence.

    Good luck, OP. You’ve got a tough road because your boyfriend is basically a male-minor (apparently the more common version of this colloquialism is banned in this sub and caused my comment to be deleted, despite all the work I put into trying to offer helpful advice. Welcome to Reddit, I suppose), and unfortunately, you’ve allowed him to continue to be one. Now you need to sit him down and have a serious talk, explaining the new reign and how things are going to change, and what your expectations are going forward. You can make an agreement to see how well things have been going after a few months, and change/improve your system them. But make clear to him, the coasting is over.

    It’s gonna be tough; I’ve lived with similar male-minors, and it can be very difficult to get them to change, especially when they’re forgetful. But with perseverance and his desire to improve, it can be done. Good luck, and please keep us updated.

  40. im glad you said that you love him more than you love money, that way you wont ever be unhappy>

    But seriously, YOU need to handle all the finances from now on, AND give him money to spend or else … you still have love albeit no money.

  41. I think people like OP either think of their spouse as a project to fix or enjoy being mommy to a grown man.

    It’s pretty clear that this isn’t new behavior.

  42. I can hear The first question that Dave ramsey would ask you :

    Do you have a budget?

    No budget, no clarity. No clarity, no progress.

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