I’m 23F. Ive been with my boyfriend for 8 months now, without my parents knowing. I belong to a very conservative family and my parents expect me to marry into the same culture.
My mother has continued to try set me up with other men in an attempt to get me married. When I finally got fed up with the proposals I decided to tell her that I am with someone. She did not take it well. She had a series of anxiety attacks.
She told me my father’s biggest fear as an immigrant has been that I will marry out of the religion/culture. She said she couldn’t even tell my father because his blood pressure would escalate and he would be very angry. She said to not even think about it. She said that she questions everything I do now and everywhere I go. The following 24 hours after telling her were so difficult I couldn’t sleep.
It took such a big toll on me I had to pretend that him and I had broken up, just to get my mother to stop going on about it. Doing this made things significantly better, but not enough. She still questions everywhere I go. She interrogates me. She constantly says “promise me you won’t betray me/my trust”. She won’t stop even though I’ve said so many times that her constant interrogation is hurtful and makes my life hard.
I have just landed a full time job and will be looking to move out soon. In the mean time I just feel so awful. I feel like a terrible person because I am still with my bf, and we are very much in love and have an amazing relationship.
But every time my mother says please don’t betray my trust my heart shatters into a million pieces.
35 comments
You are absolutely being mentally manipulated and abused. Your are not your parents, and you have your own life. But at this point you have a decision to make, call your parents bluff about how much they love you and stay with your bf, or live under your parents thumb for the rest of your life.
You should live your life they way you decide, make decissions for yourself, the good ones & the bad ones. Family & friends should Support and help each other, not live your life for you.
I think you should make it clear that you want and will decide for yourself … Maybe tell them after moving out.
I dont know your family but i guess they just want the best or their best for you, just dont forget that. I dont think there are any “enemies” in this story.
“She said that she questions everything I do now and everywhere I go ” seems like there is no trust to betray. problem solved
This sounds like an abusive family.. sounds like she’s abusing you to force your actions even if unintentionally and she’s afraid of your father retaliating on her or you somehow
Since you have a full time job, I think you should move out from this house
I’m loving these responses keep em coming you guys
We live in 2022, not the 1600s. They have no say in who you choose to live your life with if you are safe, secure and happy.
Either they’ll accept him or they can do without you.
Why even emigrate somewhere when your going to be so narrow minded about it? I honestly don’t get it.
She betrayed you.
She has to keep you save, but she is bullying you into beeing addicted to your families decision for you? This is hard, but you should keep your distance for a few months. If they understand why this happens then you can keep in touch. Otherwise run. Dont end up in a toxic life out of a missplaced feeling of greatfullness.
Nah that’s actually wild that they have health problems because you won’t date who they pick. My parents gave me one rule and one rule only and I already followed the rule to begin with “don’t get anybody pregnant under my roof or else I’ll kick your ass and then kick your ass out”. Having high blood pressure is crazy. However, follow your heart. They will just have to accept it.
I think the emotional decision which your mother is enforcing you is much dangerous then your own decision cauz it’s about your whole life with another partner in your life your whole life will change and goes to the other track rather than what partner you’ve choose so the solution is that you both need to calmly and peacefully make your mother understands that your bf is more trustworthy and respectable like your mother and father
Your parents immigrate to a new land with a different culture but insist on you maintaining the culture they left. I hope they are good people otherwise but it sounds like they are controlling and bigoted. Live your life, you only get one.
Which culture do you come from ?
This is absolutely manipulative and abusive. I can’t believe they’re so adamant on continuing the generational trauma and dated values. OP it’s hard, but don’t let her influence any decisions. This is YOUR life and she’s stuck in her ways she never moved past from.
fuuuuck this is exactly why i haven’t told my parents about my partner. stay safe girlie and i hope that everything goes smoothly when you move out.
You need to move out. Also – you need to set some hard boundaries with your folks. Frankly – they NEED their feelings hurt to shock them out of the fantasy land they’re living in. Take care of you – forget their B.S. cause they’ll get over it…
Are you Amish?
Indian or Pakistani?
Anyway, it’s hard to change their minds, but it’s still your life gal, they always pull this “father is sick, he’ll die if you bringe shame to our family, so Marry this stranger that we think better for you”
Don’t fall for that shit. Arranged marriages mostly won’t end well
Your life.
Although somewhat different, I have gone through something similar in the past. You will get through this on the other side before you know but you NEED TO CHOOSE YOURSELF. They are causing their own pain, and you are doing nothing wrong by preventing yourself from a forced marriage/ dating someone you actually like. You are on the completely right path currently, with getting a job and moving out. You got this. Also, remember, that if they want to come around they will, but that is on them, not you. Good luck with everything ❤️❤️❤️.
Seems like your mother is trying to guilt trip you so you would do everything she says like an obedient pet. Unfortunately sometimes parents do things thinking they have their kids wellbeing in mind but their behavior is just toxic and it’s actually wrong. Btw you’re 23 for crying out loud. It’s ridiculous that you even let her dictate you this way. You’re not a kid anymore and she will keep treating you like one until you make her understand that you’re no longer a kid. It won’t be easy but it’s necessary. Moving out will fix most or your problems so I recommend to do it asap. Tell your dad too asap. It’s not worth it to mentally torture yourself over this.
You can’t kiss your mama and daddy in the mouth. Move out. And they can’t get over the fact that you’re dating outside your race then ✌🏾✌🏾✌🏾
Been there through that .. I know it’s hard but stay strong , move out and do what you want!! (Is it crazy to say I’ve heard the exact same dialogues? These people might have the same parenting script they read from lol)
Sounds like a moroccan family
You’re an adult. They really shouldn’t have any say in who you choose to spend time with.
Well, they clearly confuse *your* culture with their culture: surprise surprise, once you grow up somewhere, their culture and values invariably become part of your self. Sadly many immigrant parents fail to understand this
I think we are from a similar cultural background (muslim?). It doesn’t get better, I’m almost 30 and still dealing with this controlling crap. Your mother never trusted you to be an individual who can make her own choices and live her own life. She just wants to keep you under her control, that’s what all the guilt tripping about your father’s health is all about. It sounds like if your father knew, he might get abusive towards you too (sorry for making this assumption, it might not go that way as I don’t know you irl but just basing it on my own experiences and other women I know). Please move away from them and keep things like who you’re dating to yourself. It might be difficult but you have to create these boundaries. You might love them and feel guilty about keeping ‘secrets’ but honestly, they don’t deserve to know the truth about you and your life choices. You wouldn’t put up with this behaviour from anyone else but because it’s your parents, you might be conditioned to feel like they have every right to emotionally manipulate you and control your every move. They see you as their object/possession, not an actual person with feelings and wants. Being a woman makes it a hundred times worse, because then honour and shame is entangled in their perspective. But you’re still young, you have to create these boundaries with them now or you will waste your life listening to them and staying put/getting an arranged marriage etc. Knowledge is power and the less they know about you, the better.
she’s using your love as a tool to control you. Well unless you promised you have the same values as her and agreed with her. Then her believing that is on you
You’re an adult the decision you make affect your life. At some point they are going to have to back off.
Try to make wise decisions, seek counsel from others and be truthful about it. In the end, if they want to be a part of your life they have to live with your decisions.
Also are you serious about this guy? Are you trying to marry him? What’s the future of the relationship look like if you’re of different cultures/religions and you both take them serious?
-figure these parts out first before your mom’s overreaction to you dating someone.
Just tell her he is rich and she will calm down lol
I feel for you. It is hard when your parents are so out of step with your own reality.
I grew up lying about boyfriends until I dated someone from our church. He ended up being the worst of the lot.
Hang in there until you can move out and have your own life. And all the best to have a healthy relationship with your parents afterwards.
>She told me my father’s biggest fear as an immigrant has been that I will marry out of the religion/culture.
I never understood this.
I assume you live in the US or a similar English speaking country – why do some immigrants move to Western countries and then freak out when their children become romantically involved with people in the hosting country? What did they think was going to happen? If for some reason I decided to move my family to Japan, I would fully expect that my children would become involved with some Japanese people. If you don’t want that to happen – don’t emigrate to a country outside your religion/culture.
BTW, I went through a similar thing, I’m a white, Christian American guy who was dating a woman in Korea whose family was Buddhist. Her family freaked out when they found out. We later got married in secret. After that, her family came around, and we actually get along very well now.
Sorry but it’s your life not your mother and fathers. They can not control you, yes they can be concerned and want the best for you that is only natural but the rest is coercive control and there are laws about that .
Tell your parents that you love them and respect their opinions but you love for your BF is not under their control ask them to meet him and tell them that they will not stop you seeing him but may cause you to start lying to them
You have to stand up and be counted or live the life your parents want you to have
Make sure that any man that makes you choose between him and your family is worth it. Many are not. He has to be an improvement on your life. Prove your parents wrong and make him prove he is worth the risk of cutting ties with your family. They may be toxic but betting with the wrong guy and having no family in the aftermath is worse.
Your 23 and your parents sound super controlling thats not healthy at all dont feel bad.
Continue with the move and just don’t bring it up again with your parents.
I’m from a similar culture and my family is Catholic. Although you are an adult and you should be able to my your life decisions like others have said. However, please don’t think of your parents too badly as they have sacrificed a lot and wanted the best for you as well. Most comments that said you should do what you want prolly from the western world, I think parents there to give you advice on life choices but the ultimate decision maker here is you. Boyfriends come and go sometimes, but when you’re heartbroken and you lose your jobs we all run back to our parents. What I’m saying is love your love, but try not to abandon your parents.
Maybe, try to have a mature convo with your parents and say that you’d like for them to meet the boyfriend the one that made you felt loved and safe. Say that you don’t need them to accept him right away, but would love for them to watch this love grows and go from there!
Irrespective of u being in a relationship with someone else or not. U have the right to date n choose ur life partner. I feel our parents generation have bought up in a way where they have taught a lot abt culture n its purity n all n marring outside the culture is threatening and it wont work. And now what they have learn they will tell u ask u to do the same. Coz that’s how they are brought up. Do feel bad that ur breaking their trust. Coz first they fail to understand u and how society is moving forward and being open mind and second, in the end ull be spending rest of ur life with a partner so u gotta chose it.❤