tl;dr: My partner and I get along pretty well but we have the most childish fight every once in a while – would it be worth it to go to couples counseling?
My partner (24M) and I (24F) have been togther just a little shy of three years. We both have some pretty big personality flaws – I was diagnosed with BPD when I was 16, and he, despite having never talked to a counserlor or psychiatrist, has some obvious anger issues.
While we are both changing for the better and growing together as a couple (my BPD has mellowed out a ton in the past few years), we still find ourselves embroiled in heated arguments over the most inane, petty sh!t.
In order for you guys to have a sense of how stupid our fights are, here’s the most recent one:
1. Context: We’re recently looking for a place to live for next year in a city where renting has become extremely competitive. I was on the phone trying to share a bit of stats with him – a house that’s next to another house we applied for and got rejected from has 200 applicants which is just shocking to me.
2. I was like: “Hey you know that XXX apartment we went to see? Not that I cared about it but…”
3. He immediately interrupted me and said in a quite aggressive tone: “THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU EITHER!”
4. I felt attacked and didn’t know what to say, and the silence apparently pissed him off so the call turned into an one-sided rant.
5. I hung up because it’s all a bit much for me, which resulted in him bombarding me with more calls and later texts begging me to “stop being annoyed at me”.
6. He later explained that the reason he said that was to “call me out on my b.s.” because it sounded to him that I was complaining (I was not) and being resentful towards the landlord for rejecting us.
7. I know it all sounds so messy but it literally is over nothing????
I don’t know, it just seems too stupid to break up over this? Both of us are clearly bad at de-escalating situations, but I feel like it’s easily manageable (therefore the relationship’s salvageable) with a little external help, like going to couple’s therapy? But it seems more common for people of our age to just cut their losses and move on. I’m feeling very at sea.
My partner and I get along very well apart from these silly fights, but when they do happen, it’s so emotionally exhausting.
24 comments
I know we are a pair of (wo)manchildren here but how do you stop behaving like this?!? 🥲Any input is appreciated.
I would see it as reasonable to give couple’s counseling a try. But this seems to just be a case of him being rude and mean to you, and then getting upset that you reacted badly when he did so. You say you felt attacked, but he told you he did it to attack you, so that really seems to be the root of the problem. If he was upset with your behavior or wanted you to have a different perceptive, then that is what discussing an issue is for. He didn’t even try to do that. So, has he apologized for his behavior? Does he acknowledge he was wrong?
I think it may be more beneficial for you both to do some individual counseling first. Have you ever done any Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Dialectical Behavior Therapy? You may find it helpful. Focus on growing both as individuals so that you can be better together as a couple. There’s lots of communication books for couples out there as well that you could start off with.
It’s completely normal for an unmarried couple to go to couple’s counseling. It’s been done for a long time as premarital counseling but these days, almost all couple’s counselors work routinely with unmarried couples who are not getting married.
My partner and I went to couples counseling a few years ago when we were about 24 and it was great! They teach you a lot of skills for healthy relationships. I actually think it helps a lot even now when we’re dealing with totally different problems than we were then.
Couples counseling can be good for couples of all ages, but honestly it sounds like you have individual issues to look at before looking at joint ones. His behavior is not normal and no one should have to put up with that kind of verbal abuse. He should get his anger issues under control first. Once he starts acting like a normal person, then you could start looking at issues between you two, like miscommunication and such.
You should get this reposted on r/talktherapy, I think you will also get some good responses by people who have been to couples therapy
I think it’s a very mature and intelligent thing to do for anyone interested in staying in a long term relationship whether or not it’s leading to marriage or children. This is regardless of if you have problems or not. Learning to navigate your relationship in a healthy way is a really good path to take.
I would suggest individual therapy as well, as others have stated.
Never to young or to old.
But i would wait with moving till you two sorted the stuff out what best for you two. Moving cost a lot of money.
Unpopular opinion here but…
Go to couples counseling!
I know a lot of people are saying go to individual therapy first, but there is still a lot of stigma around getting individualized mental help. Going as a couple may be that icebreaker and can help you target areas you may need to work on as individuals for the sake of your relationship (and probably any relationship you have or will have with others).
Deep relationships can be amazing but the funny thing about them is… The more emotionally intimate you get, the more layers of a person you peel back, you will always find some stuff that’s not so pleasant to deal with. All people have that. Anyone with any life experience at all probably has a few wounds that need tending to, and it’s easier to tend to those wounds with a professional third party.
You are both on the young side of things, so if in the end you decide to go your separate ways, fine. But I think either way you will benefit from talking through the issues (shared and individual) together with a professional.
My friend and their partner went to couple’s counseling and they were only 18 and 20 at the time. You can’t really be too young in my opinion, it honestly sounds a lot better than too late!
It seems from the post and some comments that
1) your bf has some tendency to verbal abuse (does he talk down on you heavily? Force you to shut up? Yell to scare you and make you silent? If yes, well that’s pretty bad)
2) at least he is able to verbalize why he doesn’t like the idea of therapy. Is he able to talk about his emotions without losing his temper? Does he apologize after tantrums without converting the apologies in attacks to you? (E.g. “I did this because you did that”)
I have lived with a person with big anger issues for many years. They have never even remotely recognized their problem, let alone considered the option of therapy. I think I have grown to be an overall healthy individual and this person has provided me with everything materially, but it’s not been nice. I was never ever physically abused but I was verbally abused every other week over the smallest things. Never an apology and never a chance to have an emotional connection to them. I have plenty of insecurities from that.
So, from the bottom of my heart, convince your bf to go to counselling (individual or couple, it will be better than nothing) or get away from him. Don’t believe his vows to change for the better without professional help because he will not and your life with him will not be pleasant.
Go to counseling now. I wish my wife and I had done so before having children and even before getting married. The longer you are together, the more responsibilities there are and the pressure just mounts until someone has an outburst in either the form of an affair or violence. You are correct, it would be a dumb thing to break up over as you two are still relatively young. He is probably struggling with a bad relationship with his mom or parents. I would react the exact same way in the first months of our marriage and I had a narcissistic mother who alienated me from my dad. I’ve learned, as he needs to, to make peace with yourself and your partner instead of pursuing peace for everyone…because that’s all you end up doing, is pursuing. Best wishes on the journey ahead.
In that particular fight, and probably others, BOTH of you said something you shouldn’t. Honestly, you didn’t need to inject the part about not caring. Yes, he over reacted. I’m sure there’s dialogue missing, but it was handled wrong on both sides. Ignoring someone and then hanging up is also extremely rude.
Both of you need individual therapy first.
I don’t think there’s any difference between a boyfriend and a husband or a girlfriend and a wife other than the legal angle. Couples counseling is for all couples.
If you both recognise something is wrong that you can’t fix alone but want to fix with some help, you’re already doing way better than many couples stuck in a legal relationship for years.
Nope, not weird at all. I’ve done it in two relationships. First one ended because RC helped us realise we definitely were *not* compatible.
My second time was with my now-husband. We knew back then that we were planning our future, but I was very sick at the time with some mental health issues and had been hospitalised. I really wanted to keep our relationship on the right track and make sure he was supported, while he also tried to support me as I recovered. So, it’s useful both for problematic situations you find yourselves in, and problems that arise between the two of you.
Basically RC will help you define your values, but largely it will help you both to see patterns in your communication and attachment styles (which might be the same or different) that cause things to escalate and it will help you rehab your attachment to each other. The way you were parented will determine your attachment style.
The first couple of sessions will probably be about both of your family backgrounds, so you will have to sit tight for a few rounds before you really get into the gritty stuff. But, that’s standard for any therapy appointment.
If it doesn’t work out you’ll still have learned a lot about yourself and the kind of partner you want to be in future relationships, but also the kind of partner you want too.
My husband and I went for couples counselling before we got married. It was the best thing ever for our relationship! Hope you all can figure your stuff out and grow stronger as a couple. Good luck.
No. It’s exactly what you guys need lol. A young couple going to therapy before marriage is what everyone should’ve done. It’ll save a lot of heartbreak or prevent many problems
Yeah, it would be odd. But everyone’s gotta do their own thing.
I don’t see if you’ve said that he feels sorry for the way he acted. My issue with the whole “fight” is the lack of remorse for the way he acted. It sounds like he thinks this was a justified response.
I hope I am wrong but if not, you might need to reevaluate. Good luck OP
YES, YES AND YES! Counseling is always beneficial
It’s perfectly fine to go to couples counseling regardless of age/marital status. What IS “odd” was his ridiculous reaction and his ridiculous explanation. To me, having fights over petty issues is far worse than fights over important things. And for you both to be so ready to drop the gloves over nonsense? Something just isn’t right with the relationship. Maybe counseling would help but so would ending things
It depends if you feel there’s a future there, when you’re young and don’t have the extra complication of marriage/a family it’s easier to chalk something up to incompatibility and walk away than it is when you have a divorce and children to consider. That being said couples counselling could definitely help prepare you positively for later conflicts, if you think this is a long term situation (everybody has conflict after all!)
I notice a few have mentioned indivual therapy, I used to work in a unit specialising I’m BPD and saw many go through DBT therapy with great results! I know accessing services is easier said than done, but having qualified in CBT a few years back, I know it can be limited in helping people with trauma etc (if that’s the case for you of course)
Good luck!
no not at all it’s normal.