Hello. My boyfriend has been under a lot of stress lately- I would say the last 4-5 months. The stress has not only led to less time for sex, but has caused a drop in his libido that means even when we do have time it isn’t uncommon for him to not be in the mood. It isnt anything extreme; we’ve gone from having sex 1-2 a week (usually twice) to either once a week or every other week.
In addition to that though, I’ve noticed I’m the only one really initiating any more and he often isn’t as into it whenever we have sex. For a while I just thought it was fatigue making it hard to be as energetic and “in the moment” as he usually is, but after an incident last night I realized there’s a good chance he’s usually agreeing to have sex because he knows I want it, not because he does. Which, frankly, makes me feel gross. I really don’t want to be pressuring him to have sex.
The issue of me always initiating is starting to wear on me a bit too. I know he’s still attracted to me, logically, but it still stings a bit with how often I’m getting rejected. That, plus the above problem of him possibly saying yes when he doesn’t want to to make me happy, has led to me deciding that I need to leave the initiating up to him for a while.
I think I need to have a talk with him, but I’m not sure how to phrase it. I know he’s already concerned about making me feel unwanted/unattractive, and I worry I’m just going to feed into that if I tell him rejecting me has become a little too painful. Especially since part of what I want to talk about is that he needs to stop saying yes when he doesn’t mean it. I’m worried that if I’m not careful I’m going to push him into having even more sex that he doesn’t want, when my actual goal is to leave initiating up to him so I’m not getting rejected a few times a week and he’s not feeling pressured to say yes.
2 comments
These phases do indeed exist.
It’s important to understand that and to accept it.
But also to remind both of you regularly that you are not just a team, but lovers and a couple.
So take time for each of you, block a certain time slot to relax and talk about anything than his Stress source .
And Do not worry to much; usually it picks up at some point
Communication is key here. You need to just sit down and talk to him about how you feel. Reassuring him that you are satisfied with your current frequency of intercourse (even if you really want more) is important. Just tell him you would like to leave it up to him to initiate for awhile. Make sure you tell him how much you appreciate everything he does and how hard he works. In the meantime, between the intercourse days you are having, I recommend doing a lot of things that are “sexual” without necessarily trying to have intercourse. Play a sexy game, have some make-out sessions, going into it agreeing not to have sex.. give each other nice long massages with oils. Cuddle if you don’t. Light candles and eat chocolate covered strawberries. Anything to take his mind off of work. If you do decide to initiate intercourse (either one of you), take your time. Don’t rush anything. Make sure there is plenty of foreplay. Take a bath together first. If you are having added stress because of your home environment, rent a room and get away for a night. You never know what it might take to get things going again, but you have to be patient and since he is the one under the stress, do as much as you possibly can to alleviate his stress . If you share responsibilities around the house, lighten his load for awhile. He is most likely uninterested also because not only is he stressed at work, but he comes home and brings that stress with him to the bedroom. My wife and I are coming up on 15 yrs of marriage and sometimes have sex every other day or go several days in a row having sex. However, we have dealt with stress affecting a desire for sex. -D