My girlfriend [F23] and I [M24] have been together for over a year now. Our relationship has been great and for a while I’ve thought that she was the one that I wanted to marry; Lately we’ve been having some hiccups (she displayed hot and cold behavior for a bit early on in the relationship regarding her ex but we got through it; this is unrelated). Our hiccups have a lot to do with the way we communicate to each other, she hates talking things out and when we argue and she gets overwhelmed she’ll dip out of the conversation and not talk to me for hours or even till the next day.
She displays passive aggressive behavior and typically explodes anytime I call her out on her BS. She tends to get irritated or annoyed very quickly over the smallest things. She’ll display it over text by putting periods at the end of her sentences (she almost always texts with zero punctuation) or she’ll “okay” me when she wants to shut down the topic. She never does either of these things during normal conversation and when she okays me normally it’ll be with “baby” or “love” or something else at the end of it. Any time I ask why she’s annoyed or tell her that it feels like she is constantly annoyed with me, it blows up into an argument because she’ll refuse to tell me why and that it’s not a big deal (although she acts passive aggressive when annoyed like something is actually wrong).
Some recent examples of her getting annoyed:
Her birthday is coming up and we were talking about going out of the country together. We got into a big argument and didn’t speak for a couple days and while going thru this she decided to make plans to go to Vegas for her birthday with her girlfriends. Fine, whatever, right? Well we were talking about this over the weekend and I mentioned that if she was gonna go to Vegas I was gonna go to nyc around that time to visit one of my best friends who I hadn’t seen in a while. Now this is my childhood best friend, he moved out there a year or two ago and I don’t see him much anymore and he’s been asking me to take a trip up there. She told me that if I went there I’d be ruining her birthday and snapped at me over it. I had also made a mention of going to Miami for my birthday with my boys and she told me if I did that I might as well be single. And stayed annoyed for the rest of dinner.
Another example: we were texting about the gym and talking about what we’d workout together the next night or the following night when we went together. She misunderstood what I was saying and immediately got annoyed with me, giving me short answers, periods at the end of her sentences and “okay” Per usual. This led to me telling her it felt like she was always annoyed with me which caused her to blow up and stop talking to me till the following day.
Third example: we were at the gym last week and I was doing a bench variation and she started laughing (not a giggle but a laugh) and I asked her what was funny. She wouldn’t tell me and eventually said “just how sexy you look”; I said back to her “I don’t believe you” with a joking tone and a smirk and she sighed and refused to talk to me for the rest of the workout till she calmed down and told me what annoyed her.
She gets annoyed over the slightest things like this and makes it obvious that she’s annoyed. When I bring it up she gets mad at me for making a big deal out of it by bringing it up. Yet it sucks to feel like I annoy her and she doesn’t give me any real reason. She told me today that our arguments were happening all the time and that she wasn’t happy because of it. My response was that I always try to make her happy and it doesn’t ever seem to be enough (dates, quality time, activities, spontaneous flowers and romantic gestures, listening to her issues, acknowledging her when she vents, etc etc). To which she said that I do everything to make her happy but she doesn’t know if it’s enough.
She wouldn’t elaborate on the remark but it broke me. Several messages later she said all she wants to do is make me happy and wants us to be happy because she loves me. Along with other stuff. This arguments are typical and usually follow a period of arguing over a couple days. Then afterwards she’s back to telling me how much she loves me, how much she wants to marry me, etc like all is forgotten. Then she’ll flip a switch again and the cycle repeats.
I love this girl so much but I’m so confused by everything that keeps happening. Our hot periods when every thing is great make me want to stay and then these arguments that happen make me want to leave. What do I even do, Reddit
Tl;Dr: Girlfriend [F23] gets constantly annoyed with me [M24], when I ask why she gets even angrier leading to arguments that make zero sense. It’s straining our relationship and I don’t know what to do
16 comments
She sounds exhausting and doesn’t seem like someone you want to be in a healthy relationship with.
Since she is on the younger side, I suspect she doesn’t realize what she’s doing is not normal.
I think it’s better to cut your losses. You two will most likely keep going in circles. It’s better that she learns the hard way after a few more failed relationships. Maybe send her this thread after you break up.
As for you, if someone says they aren’t happy with the relationship, do not defend. It doesn’t matter how happy you are trying to make them feel, bottom line is they are unhappy and you should listen to what they have to say. Anyway I think that’s the least of your issue. Just putting it out there for your future relationships.
Controlling and narcissistic are how I’d des ride her from this short snippet.
She doesn’t love you like normal people do. She loves that you give her attention, and she gets that attention by making you constantly unsure of yourself. She wants control in the relationship, and that’s why when you try to confront or take control of somthing She freaks out
I’ve struggled with this in my last relationship where I started getting annoyed way too easily after several months. His flaws and our incompatibilities just became way more apparent and I fell out of love, so I was always annoyed and also stressed because I knew I had loved him and wanted to marry him just a few months prior.
We ended things because we weren’t right for each other. I still have that issue but I’m working very hard on it. Don’t expect this cycle to end
Relationships are voluntary. You do not have to put up with this.
People like this are exhausting. Perhaps consider that life is too short, and you can find someone else to love who doesn’t have her issues?
Borderline personality disorder much ?
I noticed a couple things here. First, you use the word always a lot. You always do this she always does that. That’s just not helpful and it paints a narrative that since the other person is always doing the wrong thing, you should be excused of understanding their perspective and they need to fix it themselves. But these issues are coming from communication so there’s at least two of you involved. Maybe her avoidance of emotional issues and passive aggression were coping skills she picked up in her parents’ home.
She also seems to want you to read her mind. That’s unfair. She needs to learn to use her words, identify the problem, and suggest a solution or alternative. If she needs to step away, fine. But it’s fair of you to ask her to come back with answers to those prompts.
Daughter of a woman like your gf – do not have kids with her! Just run now. Being alone is better than dealing with her, honestly. Having a mom that would scream at me for hours or not acknowledge me for days really messed with my confidence. I don’t think I’ll ever recover (I’m 44, so I had plenty of time!). Even if you stay with her, don’t have children with her.
Sounds like you two are not compatible.
The first two years of the relationship is for figuring out if you and she work together as a couple.
You have your answer — you don’t. You guys are wildly incompatible.
>To which she said that I do everything to make her happy but she doesn’t know if it’s enough.
That is all you need to know.
This sounds bloody exhausting.
You’re 24, is this the relationship you want to be in?
Some people are never happy. Some people enjoy complaining and having grudges, they don’t even know what they’d have a conversation about otherwise, and they don’t understand what a burden it is for others who don’t share their attitude or also enjoy complaining. If you want to stay with this girl you either have to care less about her moods… like if it’s just her tone of voice and her periods at the end of a sentence that show you she’s mad, you COULD just ignore those things (which is probably tbh what she wants you to do since you say she doesn’t want to address things openly and she gets overwhelmed, it makes it seem like she’s avoiding voicing what annoys her in order to avoid an argument)…. or, idk, go get some serious couples therapy and learn how she views life, what makes her tick and act this way, and both of you can try to learn to act more respectfully towards each other when you disagree.
Some people aren’t mature enough to handle a LTR. It sounds like she has some growing left to do— maybe you both do. Sometimes this can be worked out, other times you gotta pack it in and try with someone else.
She’s really similar to my ex gf, And trust me its exhausting. In my opinion there’s two reasons why she’s like that.
1. She doesn’t love you anymore and just want to keep you at her side coz she’s depending on you and take you for granted ( knowing you wont leave her.)
2. Its just her attitude (but I highly doubt it)
Dating should be about meeting someone who seems like a good match, and then getting to know them better over time and seeing how you work together as a couple long-term, and **using that information** to figure out if this is really the right person for you.
It should not be meeting someone you like, and then ignoring everything after that.
This is not what it feels like when you’re with the person who’s right for you.