I’m 18(M) and I’ve always been single. Never been approached, never had a relationship, never kissed anyone, never lost my virginity. I also recently went through a heartbreak that almost destroyed me, and I’m still healing from it.
The thing is, wherever I search for help, I’ve seen people say that it shouldn’t be this way. They say I shouldn’t focus on love now, and that I’m young and should do other things that will secure my future (which I do btw).
But for some reason I’m depressed about it. I’m very very depressed and lonely, to the point of needing therapy too. All I want is to have somebody with me. Somebody who loves me. Someone I can love back. But it has never happened and I’m scared it will never happen. Everywhere I go, I see people in happy relationships but only me alone. And it hurts me everyday.
I’m trying many things to get a girlfriend, but that’s off topic.
My question is just why. Why do I want this so badly and how should I stop it?
TL;DR I want a girlfriend but people say I’m too young to be thinking about that and should focus on other things. I want to know why I’m like this and how I should stop.
8 comments
It is normal to want to be loved. The challenge is when you put it all on romantic love.
One of the really difficult things for men (which might be changing) is that they have the expectation that all their emotional and affectionate needs will be met by an intimate partner.
For women, we have friendships which meet those needs for affection and love as well.
Start cultivating friendships which show you love and affection. Then you won’t be so “starved” for the type of human contact you are looking for.
People crave love at any age. It’s human nature. But one thing we also need is SELFLOVE. Don’t ever forget that you will need to love yourself before you can properly love another and vice versa. All these “happy” relationships sometimes aren’t what they seem. So just remember that being in a relationship won’t guarantee love. You can be miserable in a relationship where two people have no idea how to love themselves. Love yourself first and then that love with another will soon find its way to you.
Craving love and human connection is normal. My question though is, are you getting appropriate social support currently? Relationships are nice, but friends are vital. Do you have good friends you can go to for emotional support? I would worry that you do not have the normal, healthy base of platonic love and connection. Do you?
Don’t stop wanting love, people who are giving you that advice are just trying to make you feel better because there isn’t a need to *rush.* Take your time with it, make sure you have non-romantic relationships where you feel loved (and if not, work on finding them), keep those big life events upcoming with school/work on track, and it’ll all fall into place with romantic partners sooner than it probably feels right now.
I’ve seen people get puppies at your age to just get that hit of selfless love… And then disregard them a year later because it’s work too. I’ve seen people have kids at that age just because they crave that love… You can imagine how good of an idea that is.
That lack of love and caring can absolutely hurt, even physically. Especially if you have doubts about whether you even deserve it. I agree with some commenters here. Therapy is a good place to turn to. Your romantic partner cannot be responsible for your mental well-being. You really do need to focus on growing into a person you can admire. You need friends and close relationships – nurture a great relationship with your parents, grandparents, godparents, neighbors… Whoever has been a great positive influence in your life. Your desperation and neediness are not attractive and don’t lay a foundation for a healthy relationship. It screams of possible co-dependency issues, of anxiety and perhaps control issues stemming from insecurity. There’s also a lot of potential of ending up in an absuive situation towards yourself as well where you’re too scared to leave because you still get some love, attention, caring.
Your first relationships, statistically, won’t work out. You need skills to manage your emotions to support yourself through that.
The good news is that this all can be learned. You absolutely can grow into a whole person who doesn’t strictly NEED somebody, but is free to choose a partner and keep choosing that partner every single day.
Take care.
Because what youre feeling is normal. However if I could give you any advice, its that you dont find a woman. A woman finds you when you are where you are supposed to be in life. If you are in a spot where girls dont naturally gravitate to you, then you will attract nobody.
Work on yourself. Improve yourself. Dont look for love. And be kind to everybody you meet. Trust me, its way better when the person wants to give you love willingly and not because you are lacking it. One does not just “Get a girlfriend”. Go out there and enjoy life and become a beter version of yourself. Thats how you get a girlfirend.
Hit the gym for a month (4 times a week minimum) for starters. And with a trainer or someone who works out regularly. You need a confidence boost and working out will give you one. It will also keep your mind off girls and help you learn concepts women find attractive like self-discipline, mental fortitude, health consciousness, and then you’ll just be overall sexier.
When I was 29, I was desperate for love and to be loved. I hadn’t dated in 10 years at that pount and my last relationship was abusive. I thought, “I have so much love to give, why won’t anyone return my affections, what am I doing wrong?” I thought that loving yourself wasn’t needed as long as someone else loved you. I… I was very wrong. When you love yourself, even just a bit, people notice and people are drawn to you.
Right now you are focusing on have-nots and that negativity can put people off. Take some time to figure you out. What your likes and dislikes are. Learn how to communicate your issues and be receptive to making changes. Therapy really belps and if you can’t afford it, find books/audiobooks that will help you discover who you want to be, and that will help you meet people who will be attracted to who you are becoming. Find things that make you happy and the rest will follow. I know its cliché, trust me I kbow all too well, but building a foundation of yourself helps create a stable foundation for a relationship to grow and people are attracted to that.
it sounds like you just need some friends, you did say you’ve never been in a relationship but you also said you were going through a heart break so that’s kind of confusing to me. I’ve been in the same situation as you since I was a kid. I didn’t know how to talk to people and so when I tried to put myself out there I usually got turned down. Then in elementary school I introduced myself to this kid and we turned out to be best friends and he have been ever since. All I did was say hi and we started talking about whatever we talked about when we were 5. I would highly recommend therapy, from my experience it helped me improve my social skills and its someone to talk to. Now don’t take this the wrong way, those people that you were talking about do have a point. You are young which means you have time to work on yourself, focus on school and that also means you have time finding someone you truly love. For now, my advice be yourself and if someone can’t appreciate you for being yourself then sucks for them.