I’m (34F) pretty vocal in bed. It’s just how I’ve always been. It’s somewhat compulsory. I can suppress it but it feels unnatural, and sex is more gratifying when I am not focusing on being quiet. I also really get off to a vocal male partner. I like hearing vocalization, groans, feedback that he’s enjoying it, and a heads up when he’s headed for climax.
I love my partner, he’s perfect in every way; except that he’s totally silent in bed. He’s 44M. He’s experienced; he’s just quiet. (Of importance, he’s on the spectrum but masks well, so it went undetected until recently. His social skills are better than mine, but I do wonder if that plays a part in the bedroom.)
I try to get him to give me feedback but it’s never sexy. It’s like talking to an accountant. I’m not being a try hard. I’ll just ask “does that feel good?” And I get a very unsexy “yes” back.
After 44 years on this earth I certainly don’t feel like it’s my place to change his ways of expressing himself during sex; that feels pretty selfish. But I’m having a hard time getting past feeling self conscious about being loud when he’s so silent?
Any gentle feedback?
11 comments
Re: the title.
Ask?
Also, just because your partner isn’t loud and you are doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong here.
My spouse is relatively vocal in bed and I’m completely quiet, that’s just how it is for both of us. I don’t make any noise because I don’t feel like I need to. It’s likely your partner is similar in that regard.
You can try asking him if he is okay with dirty talk, that can be a segue into being more vocal. Get him comfortable with that then he may get more vocal
My wife loves sex, but it almost utterly silent thanks to her upbringing, personalty, etc.
Talk to him.
There is nothing wrong with asking a partner to participate in something that turns you on. If you’d like more feedback, discuss this with him. He might never be a Chatty Cathy. But you might get more than a “yes”. It’s not difficult to watch a little porn and come up with a few phrases he can throw in here and there
As far as your initial question, of course it depends on the person. You need to ask
Just because they’re quiet doesn’t mean they’re not enjoying it. My ex was very quiet in bed where as I like to moan loudly. My current wife is also very loud and it turns me on
Sounds like a communication challenge. Being on the spectrum will absolutely affect this and it’s nothing that can’t be treated with clarity and communication between you two. Being on the spectrum often includes having a hard time with vocal inflections or emphasis. If you ask someone on the spectrum for a phone number it’s often hard to remember it because they’ll often repeat the numbers without the 3-3-4 grouping in their voice, just monotone 10 digits.
It sounds like your partner is simply answering your question when you say “does that feel good?” You’re giving him a task to do when you ask it, so he executed the task clearly and logically. I bet he might even be confused as to why you keep asking because he’s probably noted that the question “that feel good?” Come from you at the same points of the act.
I suggest being open with him about how those kinds of vocalizations from you aren’t real queries but rather emotional expressions that heighten the experience for you. Being vocal during sex might do nothing for him, but he could be all in for you being as vocal as you like! As long as he knows it’s making the experience more authentic for you then it shouldn’t be much issue.
Asking him to be more vocal might be challenging for him. He might have a hard time picking up on what noises to make, when, and to what purpose. That just might not come naturally to him. But it’s worth mentioning “if you want to grunt or moan or say things during sex, I would love it too. No pressure though.” That’ll clearly tell him what you’re after.
Me and the wife… We’ll have fun with other couples and that’s something she hates. I am expressive in everything, including sex. Other guys are just fucking silent like they are figuring out a algebra problem or something in their head. Some ladies also think I’m going to finish because i make nosies. I have to tell them that’s not the case. I really don’t understand and feel bad for them because noises in sex are fun.
I think it’s something left over from years of hiding masturbation as a kid. Gotta be super quiet and fast. Those don’t exactly transfer other well for sex with partner.
It’s not too late for him to learn to be more vocal in bed. You are a couple, you can work to add some nice changes in your life. You like the sounds of sex and so do most people. Maybe he’s just shy about it, but you can get him to be more open to the idea. After the next time in bed you can tell him how good it was, and then throw in a simple, ” I felt like wanting to tell you how good it was WHILE we were fucking. Kind of like a release.” Do this the next several times you have sex to start planting the seed in his head.
Be loud! Some people talk during sex like normal conversations and expect answers from their partners. Some people be quiet some loud some bark some meow. Long as your having fun.
Be yourself ! Do the things that you love to do, want to do & try new ideas that may please you.
I am silent and love a loud and vocal partner