I CANT CHANGE THE TITLE BUT I MEANT TO SAY BF LOL
My now ex cheated on me with a guy after 2 years of dating. We were at the point in our relationship where he had picked out a ring. Our relationship was (from an outside perspective) very stable and healthy. We had the foundation of a strong friendship and it was the longest & happiest relationship I had been in.
One night after work he came over and gave our typical kisses and hellos, and then went back to my room. As soon as I shut the door, he broke down crying and said “I f*cked up” over and over. At this point I thought he beat someone up or committed some crime. Him cheating was the last thought on my mind. I asked him what happened and he said he cheated on me. While the whole thing is a blur now, I remember just trying to understand what happened and why. I was very calm and sympathetic as he explained everything.
According to what he told me, 2 nights before, after hanging out with some of his friends, he downloaded Grindr, made a profile, matched, had a short convo and then drove a short distance to meet with said guy. They did some stuff (obv can’t go into detail on here about that but he told me the details) and then he went back to his place. This whole time I was texting him and everything seemed normal.
As for his reason, he really didn’t know. I asked him if he had been wanting to explore/experiment, and he said no. I asked him if he had thoughts of being with a guy while with me, and he said once or twice. However, he says he’s not gay/bi. He says he only wants to be with women, specifically me.
Here’s the real kicker though: the day after he cheated he spent the entire day with me. I had a sinus infection, and he came over to take care of me and hangout for the whole day. He didn’t mention a thing and did not seem off in any way. We even did stuff together, which I later realized was the same stuff he and his Grindr date did. To say the least, that really hurt, and it was clear he was trying to compare.
With all of this I decided I could no longer be with him. He made deliberate, sober decisions that destroyed my trust. I still am not sure why he did what he did, but no matter what it’s clear he has some stuff to work through. I thought about staying with him while he did, but that would prove torturous for me. We discussed possibly being friends after some time but the couples times I’ve seen him since I either want to cry or punch him, so I don’t think that can work.
He really messed me and the life we had built together up, and I’ve since just been trying to get through life day by day. I’ve tried going on dates since but it’s proven to be more stressful than fun. It’s been almost 5 months since the breakup and I’m not sure I can trust anyone now.
TL;DR: My bf told me he cheated on me with a guy after 2 days of quality time together. He says he’s not gay/bi and is only interested in women, but he broke my trust and I haven’t recovered after 5 months.
7 comments
It doesn’t matter what his sexuality is. He cheated on you. The gender of the person he cheated with is unimportant. I recommend therapy to get through this.
Sexuality is a weird and wild spectrum and there’s all sorts of little nuances – but like the important things here are the things you noted, he took actions against the relationship and your trust and it can take a while to get back to feeling right after a betrayal like that.
Your ex has his own path in defining his sexuality. There are plenty of men who say they’re straight, but they experimented. It’s not your problem what label he sticks on, cheating is cheating.
You don’t have to date if you’re not ready. Take your time to recover. There’s no rush.
What is your question?
One time on a business trip my father sat next to a man on the airplane and during the flight they experienced some turbulence. It’s not uncommon to find the person next to you in a state of anxiety about flying. With that in mind, the man turned to my dad and said “the good news is that I’ve already been in a plane crash and it’s very statistically unlikely I will be in another. So you’re going to be fine.”
Dating kind of works the same way. How likely is it for you to be hurt in the exact same way again? Is it possible for you to be as naïve about warning signs the next time they come across your path? Pay attention to things you were attracted to that don’t necessarily lend themselves to healthy relationships. Otherwise, know that dating is all about getting experience and becoming wise enough to know when you have a good thing.
I’ve had some pretty fucked up things happened to me in relationships in my early 20s. It’s so frustrating to be hurt more than once. You want to believe that you can stop it from happening and yet it still does. While I was despondent over my last break up my dad simply looked at me and said “if you’ve gotten this far and saved yourself the cost of a divorce, you’re doing pretty well.”
He’s not gay, he’s bisexual, and he cheated. I glad you have the sense others do not and you showed him the door.
The way he cheated would have fucked he up too. It wasn’t a chance meeting, or anything like that. So deliberate. I think he would have done it again and again. He’s clearly impulsive, and clearly not straight.