I (24F) was at a university careers event yesterday. I had prior to that informed my boyfriend (23M) that I would likely not be able to take calls but that messaging would be okay. (I needed to show to potential employers that I was interested, not absorbed in my phone.)
I came back to 51 missed calls from my boyfriend and accusations that I am a ‘liar’ and not to bother calling him, even though I’d sent him a message to say I loved him and that I was still in a talk.
Went out for a few drinks with 3 classmates afterwards, just a beer. It was good to be around people, especially while my boyfriend was ignoring me.
Ever since then he’s been saying he doesn’t believe me, that I am a horrible person, that he ‘doesn’t care about me’…
TL;DR: In the past, I’ve returned after 2-3 hours to c.150 calls. What is with his excessive calling?
38 comments
if this was Insecurity and separation anxiety that he was self aware of and wanted to heal, that would be one thing. Calling you a liar is a totally different level. Dump him and tell him to see a therapist
That’s one side of the story, I’m sure the truth is halfway there.
Toxic, dumb him as he is just starting to crush you. It gets worse after you let him
nope. boy bye. you do not need that when you’re lookin for a new awesome job. screw that.
I’ve been in something similar. It genuinely gets worse. Leave now while you can
Massive red flags here. Insecurity, jealousy, belittling, controlling behavior, manipulation etc.
You obviously deserve better and I hope you choose to move on from him. Either he has a personality disorder or some serious growing TF up to do.
this sounds obsessive. you should probably leave
There’s is essentially no need for this in a healthy relationship. My partner and I have been together for 3+ years and the max times I’ve called them in a row is 3. Unless someone is in a high risk situation and you haven’t heard from them and/or there’s legitimate worry that they could be in danger or hurt I don’t see any need to call more than that. Whenever I hear stories like this I always wonder how long it takes to make that many phone calls and how crazy it is to sit there and call someone 50 times. Plus you already communicated where you were – this was absolutely needless and toxic.
51 calls? Are my eyes seeing this correctly?
Who cares why? This level of unhinged is an instant dump.
End it. This behavior is a big red flag. He’s toxic. This is some sick manipulation game some guys play. He’s trying to weasel his way in to beat you down and control you. Run.
That’s a manipulation tactic to make it so unpleasant anytime you do anything away from him, so that eventually, you’ll just do whatever he demands to avoid a fight. It’s effects are twofold. First, he gets to eventually control your every move, and second, it allows him to isolate you from everyone else who might point out his abusive behavior, and help you leave. It may be coming from a place of deep insecurities, or he may just be straight up abusive, but the end result, if you stay, is the same. A broken shell of you, lost all your friends, killed your self esteem, and probably leave you with a healthy dose of PTSD, and anxiety. People like this don’t magically get better overnight. They usually don’t ever get better at all, just worse. There’s nothing you can say to him to get him to see things your way. He will absolutely refuse, deflect, gaslight, and get defensive. There’s no changing someone that won’t even acknowledge their abusive behavior.
51 calls? He sounds manipulative, controlling, and like he needs lots of therapy… You stated boundaries and he completely ignored them and started acting crazy.
I would straight up tell him if he doesn’t respect what you say, which he clearly didn’t, you’re not going to deal with being treated like that any longer because you won’t tolerate that. Because if you don’t, it will get worse.
I see some people have stated this to various degrees, but just know his behavior is batshit insane. He is not healthy enough to be in a relationship right now. This is how abusive relationships start.
Please get out while you can. I spent almost 4 years of my life being called a liar or a slut whenever I was out with my friends. In fact, if I wasn’t hanging with him and his friends or in his sight, I had to constantly be on my phone or he would blow up my phone and accuse me of things like cheating or doing drugs (like wtf?). Every time my phone would make a noise, he *had* to know who it was. If it was a guy friend, I wouldn’t ever hear the end of it. Your guy needs to get a hold of his insecurities and get over himself, or you need to GTFO.
you mean ‘ex-boyfriend’, right?
It’s only been a year. Dump the chump.
>Ever since then he’s been saying he doesn’t believe me, that I am a horrible person, that he ‘doesn’t care about me’…
OP … Why are you willing to put up with this?
2-3 calls would be too many to me absent an emergency. Like, he calls, you don’t answer, he knows you’re busy. There’s something seriously toxic going on if he keeps calling. Let alone 50 times that is psychotic. Dump him
150 is okay if it was 151 that would be a red flag…
COME ONN. 150 calls in 2-3hours? That’s insanity
I could be in the hospital and I wouldn’t call my GF more than 3-4 times over a few hour stretch.
51 times is psychotic
OMG, run! This is insane.
Why is he calling you a liar? What does he think you lied about?
DUMP HIM
holy dinah, what an insecure controlling jerk
break up-he is a controlling nutcase
Psychotic, toxic and dumb as a stump. No normal person behaves like this.
To quote Oda Mae Brown: “Molly, you in danger, girl.”
Get out and don’t look back.
By the way, I highly recommend the memoir “In the Dream House,” by Carmen Maria Machado, of her own abusive relationship. Pay very close attention to the first time that the abusive partner does to Carmen what your boyfriend did to you.
it’s really weird that he’s calling you 150 times in the span of 2-3 hours. to put it into perspective, that’s 50 to 75 calls per hour.
now let’s put it into more perspective. what if this was a tinder date? would you accept this behavior?
since it’s your boyfriend of a 1 year, he’s on a higher standard than a rando on tinder, so think about that for a bit. if you wouldn’t accept that kind of behavior from a random tinder guy, is it REALLY okay for your boyfriend to do that?
He’s an abusive and controlling jerk and you should dump him. Why are you accepting this treatment?
That is gross behavior.
This is an extreme form of control. If there is not a legit emergency there is no reason to call that many times. The only time my husband has ever done something remotely similar is I was at the salon getting my hair colored and put my phone on vibrate and in my purse. I wouldn’t have been able to talk him at all. His car had broken down going into work. He was stranded in the road for about 30 minutes. And even then it was like 10 missed calls.
You treat this like it’s a mild annoyance. This is absolutely bonkers obsessive behavior. This is a huge deal.
51 is crazy town behavior. Absolutely not. Do whiny toddlers make you hot? Boy bye.
Why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t trust you and thinks you’re a liar? Wash your hands of him.
As someone who had a boyfriend like this and stayed for 7 years…get out now. If you stay with him then 2/3 years down the line you’ll be apologising for everything, you won’t bother going out because you can’t cope with the arguing and the lying accusations. Your friends will warn you and you’ll end up losing them because you think “he’s just got some issues”. If I went out without my ex I couldn’t enjoy myself because I was riddled with anxiety about how angry he was going to be. I met my current boyfriend four years ago, and I still sometimes catch myself over apologising , he has to tell me to stop. It’s not until I met him and realised what a healthy relationship was that I realised my ex wasn’t exhibiting normal behaviour. I see you say he’d never hurt you, my ex never “hurt” me physically, but we broke up 7 years ago and I’m still affected by the way he treated me mentally.
Uh. Unbearable behavior no matter what. Why put up with that?
Dump him and run far away. Girl I had a guy do this to me and best thing I did was dump him. He clearly doesn’t care about you or your future. He is all about himself and wanting what he wants. You can do better than this. It only gets worse and worse. I stayed for 2 years because it was exhausting fighting and all but really wish I left sooner.