Hi – in the last few weeks, for probably a number of unrelated reasons, I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. For context, we’re both in our mid-twenties and we were together for a bit more than two years. When it ended (at the end of last year), it was her decision but it was amicable. We actually met up on several occasions for coffee or a drink in the 4/5 months that followed, but now she has a new boyfriend so we don’t do that anymore. We don’t text as much but have had a couple of little catch ups and we’re still on good terms. Neither of us want to get back together. We’re pretty different and we used to argue too much, but we still have a lot of respect towards one another.
I must have read an article about somebody famous being sexually coercive and looked into the subject and, since then, I’ve dogged myself on and off with the question of ‘was I ever like that?’. I’m naturally a guilty person, so maybe and maybe not, but a couple of things stand out.
One moment in our relationship where I know I was wrong was quite early on, still in the ‘honeymoon’ phase, where sex was relatively frequent and easy. We were watching TV and I think my ex was on her period. Normally, she would still give me a blowjob or something like that, but on this occasion she said she wasn’t in the mood. I don’t remember it perfectly but I had ‘jokily’ whined in response to this (think: ‘ah come onn’) and – after not too long – she gave me a handjob to effectively shut me up. I could tell afterwards she was a bit annoyed and we spoke about it. I apologised and promised nothing like that would ever happen again – and it didn’t. This never came up as an issue but I still sometimes feel bad about it just because I know it was a stupid way to act. All I could say is that this was my first relationship, in its early days. I was somewhat immature, and I maybe misread a jokey and ‘playful’ tone.
Things were fine for a long time after that but, in the 6 months or so before we broke up, the sex slowed down. I know the link between these two things is well established, and this is where I’m still unsure about the line between coercion and overcoming the problem. Whereas sex had been pretty spontaneous and initiated quite naturally and mutually, it became a matter of me taking on that role and having to literally ask ‘should we go to the bedroom’? There were definitely a load of times where the answer was a no and I accepted that. I can’t lie: sometimes, if it had been a few days, I might have immaturely sighed or showed a disappointed face, but I would get over it within minutes. I eventually grew tired of having to deal with a rejection that was becoming more common and started initiating a bit less.
The thing is, this probably did build up a bit of resentment, and it became an issue that I would want to talk about. The problem is I probably didn’t always pick the best time. If it had been, let’s say, over a week and I was rejected, I would \*always\* make clear that I didn’t want sex anymore there and then, but… ‘hasn’t it been a while since we did?’ or ‘are you really tired all the time or is there a reason?’ I would be disappointed but never trying to change her mind. Conversations like this would vary wildly – sometimes they would stay productive conversations and sometimes they would become arguments. One time I asked if she was no longer attracted me and she became really upset, which I regret now. She told me at the time how guilty that made her feel but, insecure as it was, that was how I really felt! It sounds like guilt tripping out of context but it wasn’t said to get a reaction. Another time we agreed she didn’t really initiate and she could try doing it from time to time. Another time we had a productive conversation and she decided she was in the mood after all. That time I had insisted that it wouldn’t be right and it would make me feel weird but the tables essentially turned and it became easier to go with it and not risk undoing whatever progress we had made. One thing that bothers me is I had definitely never wanted her to have sex if she didn’t want to out of some sense of duty, and I told her that, but I can’t guarantee that she didn’t do it anyway.
I will get to the point which is: while I know the first thing was wrong (and just really wanted to get it out), does everything that followed make me a bad person? I texted my ex about it a few weeks after we broke up and she said no, she didn’t feel coerced but she just sometimes ‘felt bad’ about it when it came up. I regret causing guilt, but was I within my right to address a pretty big need in any relationship? It’s apparently so common to the point of cliché that couples argue over sex. How does that happen without some element of coercion?
5 comments
Really interesting. If one person is in the mood and the other is indifferent to it.. that seems ok it that person decides to participate. If one person is in the mood and the other genuinely doesn’t want to I would consider it bad if the other didn’t want to. I think this plays into how men are less in tune with how their partners feel sometimes. Just my two cents.
If she really felt strongly that you were coercing her, she probably would have said so when you asked her. In any event, all we can all do is try to learn from our experiences and try to find the best possible ways to address sex issues. It sounds to me like you both learned some things and still respect one another. That’s a good sign.
I’m not going to address all your post, but I’ve had similar thoughts before too. I think one thing that’s important to remember is that you are not a robot, and you are allowed to feel disappointed. Trying to conceal all of your less than ideal feelings from your partner is surefire way to breed resentment and become detached from your emotions. There’s ways to be coercive with how you express them, as well as what you do with their response to your feelings, but it’s doing a disservice to yourself and your partner to try and conceal how you feel.
There’s probably lessons to learn from your experience, but I just want to hone in on how damaging that one aspect can be.
As someone who’s been coerced, I would say, other than the first time, it really just sounds like you were trying to have conversations about the mismatched libido. It doesn’t seem like she felt bad because you coerced her, but rather because maybe she felt bad about making you feel bad. At the end of the day, coercion is sort of subjective, so if she says you didn’t coerce her, then you didn’t.
This comment isn’t going to be very organized so apologies in advance. I think it’s great that you’re having some self reflection on your past actions, this makes me feel like you’re not a “bad” guy. I think what you struggled with in this post is that impact > intent. When you would sigh or mope maybe your intention wasn’t to make her feel guilty or pressured, but alas she did anyways. It doesn’t sound like you were terribly pushy or coercive but it does sound like your actions (or rather reactions to lack of sex) could’ve caused some resentment from her.
“Are you really tired all the time or is there a reason” I think you’re within your rights to bring up concerns over lack of sex but the way you go about it is really important. This comment made it seem like you were implying she was lying to you, which will put anyone on the defensive. If you’re in this situation in the future I’d try and come at it from more of a “hey I noticed we haven’t been very intimate lately and I wanted to check in to make sure you’re doing ok”. Ask if they’re feeling stressed or if there’s anything going on they’d like to talk about. This would make them feel more comfortable talking about the issue instead of feeling attacked or blamed.
Try and view a change in frequency of sex as a couples issue, not your partner withholding sex (I’m not implying you feel this way just offering perspective). When you’re desiring sex and it’s not happening it’s an issue you both have to come together to solve. Open and honest communication is worth more than gold