Me (F27) and my bf (M27) have been together a little over a year. We have known each other for 14 years and hooked up for 7 years before we started dating. Our sex is absolutely amazing and the best I’ve ever had since we’ve been together. We broke up for about a month in July. Since we got back together I freak out when we go to have sex. I get really in my head and think about things he’s told me about his sexual past. I have been through a lot lately. I lost my mom, I’m about to start my job in my field after being graduated for 8 months and I have and always have a lot going on at home (I still live at home for now). We have had sex since we’ve been back together but I’ve been high or drunk so I’m more at ease. It’s really frustrating bc I want to have sex with him so bad but I just can’t. I start crying and feel like I can’t do it. I have dealt with a lot of coercion in my past relationships but my bf isn’t like that at all. He’s so supportive and makes me feel so comfortable. He doesn’t get mad at me ever for stopping. He tells me it’s going to be okay and we’re going to get through it. He tells me we have all the time in the world and I’m rushing it when it’s okay and we don’t have to. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m a very sexual being and often express myself sexually. I just want to know what’s going on and if other people are experiencing this right now too. I am so tired of this. I just want to go back to having mind blowing sex with my bf.
3 comments
I can’t possibly know for sure but it sounds to me like you are suffering from anxiety and that anxiety or stress, is putting you off sex. You can rationalize about it logically, tell yourself that you want to do it like you were being talked to by another version of yourself but instinctively you can’t get into it because of these other distractions. It could be anxiety, as I said or it could be some element of guilt about enjoying yourself with sex when there are more crucial things going on. Who knows.
I know very little about the subject so I’m merely speculating. I think it is probably to do with fundamental personality types, who is more more prone to be affected by anxiety or feelings of guilt more than others and also how different people respond to those feelings. I don’t know whether it’s part genetic or part learned behaviour, but I’m pretty sure from personal experience that it is there and it is real.
I read other people saying that for them sex is a form of therapy, a fix for their anxiety and stress, a way to escape from it for a while to experience feel-good hormones and psychological bonding with someone who makes them feel safer, stronger, more willing to take the world on, but for others it’s just a distraction from those things that are already distracting them and they just can’t separate these issues into separate compartments for even a fixed period of time.
I don’t know whether that sounds like a load of bollocks to you but that’s certainly the way I find myself thinking about it.
This is obviously a big roadblock in your relationship. You need to take ownership of this and seek counseling to deal with your trauma. It’s not fair to your partner. And it’s not good for your mental health. Do not waste any more time. Seek help.
Try to practice relaxing. Breath deep and slowly. Lay back and try to relax and allow your boyfriend to very slowly and gently caress your body. Make out with him and let him engage in foreplay by gently and slowly licking and sucking your nipples and kissing your entire body. Let him go down and very gently, slowly and softly approach giving you oral sex, but no direct clitoral stimulation. Let your boy friend use his tongue to gently tease you with approaches to your clit. Let him do this for a half hour or hour, edging you with his tongue. Eventually he will bring you to your mind blowing orgasm. Take it slow and gentle. Lay back and let him slowly build you up.