I (38F) am at my wits end in a bad marriage with husband (36M). Don’t know what to do.

This is a throwaway. I’m sorry, this is going to be long. But I really need some advice from outside eyes, and I’ll try to be as objective as possible and pour it all out there, even though I’ll probably fail.

I (38F) am in an unhappy marriage with my husband (36M) of 18 years, and I don’t know how much longer I can do it. We have two children, both teenage boys. To say that we had got married and had kids too early is an understatement. Fortunately we both have above average paying jobs for the area, degrees, absolutely zero debt, two cars paid for, and over $100k in mortgage equity. So neither of us are chained to this relationship by anything other than our commitments and stubbornness.

Our troubles started within the first year, but since we were just kids we didn’t really try to work things out. More or less just pushed it down and held resentment (especially him). Then I got pregnant, which blindsided us both. He had some bad feelings about this, and I admittedly wasn’t supportive because I was dealing with it in my own way. Having a child did give us some temporary happiness, or at least a distraction from our own mess of a relationship. Things started getting bad again, so we eventually tried for another child and things were again better temporarily.

But since that point, it’s just been a slog if I’m being honest. I’ll try to lay out the issues in as much detail as possible.

First, work balance:

When we first got together, I was in the military. He was unemployed and living with me. He said he wanted to get a degree before worrying about a job, and I was fine with that. We were in love, and I wanted the best for him. So he hung out by himself or with his friends, did the minimal chores around the apartment, picked up groceries, paid whatever few bills weren’t autopay, and dabbled in college. He had access to our bank account, and bought pretty much whatever he wanted within reason. This continued for the four years I was in the military. And get this, he actually had the audacity to complain, multiple times, that I only mowed the lawn and cooked the occasional meal when I wasn’t deployed which was only 2/3 of the time, and during this time there were many, many weeks when I would put in 60+ hours. The rest of the time I was thousands of miles away, and though this is hard for many women, I trusted him. But a lot of the time it was pretty hellish.

By the time I got out of the military, he had maybe a year or a little more total of college completed, and still no job other than about a month of temporary seasonal employment over all those years. I found a decent job a few weeks after I was discharged, and had our first child within that year. Since this is America, I had to basically go straight back to work once I could get around, and he stayed home with the baby. He still had no job. And he complained even more about how much he had to do, despite me working a full time job, being the only source of income, and still doing maybe a quarter of household stuff and baby care. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely appreciated what he did in taking care of our child (especially when tiny and difficult) and keeping the house from falling completely apart, but it was nowhere near as equitable as he imagined it to be.

I got reassigned at my job, we moved a hundred miles away to be nearer to family, and then I got pregnant with our second. His status was unchanged until our second was maybe 18 months old and I really pressured him to at least do some online/part time college classes so that he could get some kind of employment. We were in a pretty bad financial state at that point, with tens of thousands of debt, and we needed the additional income. Eventually, it happened. After more than a whole ass decade of me slaving away for the only money we had, and him complaining the whole way that he had to do too much, he finished a two year degree and found an ok job. Luckily, we had family that could take care of the little one during work hours. Not that it was a big deal, but he also had some relatively minor (\~$5k) cosmetic surgery during this time. This was entirely his choice, because of insecurity and his changing body. I was fine with him and never thought or said a thing that would have prompted it. Anyway, we were able to dig out of our financial hole in a couple of years with his income added in.

He has moved jobs every few years since then, and I have to tell you all that at every one of these it was constant problems. Constant interpersonal issues at work. Constant “I’m not paid enough” and “\_\_\_\_\_\_ is treating me unfairly/is an asshole/is conspiring against me”. Constant “I don’t want to work”. Constant pipe dreams about how he can quit and work from home and not have to waste his day working for somebody else. And I really get it. They are all assholes. They don’t pay well enough. Working for “the man” sucks. Ask me how I know, right? And he does have some significant chronic medical issues, migraines, hormonal issues, etc., that require him to use sick days pretty often, and sometimes he has to go into work not feeling great and I absolutely hate that for him. I really do. Not least of all because I have had some of the same issues, and have gone through periods where they were worse than his. I would support whatever reasonable, well thought out, actionable plan he could come up with, even for a marginal drop in income long term, but it never seemed to be something that mattered enough to come up with such a plan. It just seemed to be about not wanting to work at a conventional job.

During this same time period, and while still working a full time job, I also completed my BS by doing classwork between work tasks, at night, and over the weekend. I had a full time classload. It was stressful, and really chewed up most of my free time for years. But I wanted to have more potential opportunities and not waste my GI Bill, so I did it. And now I have a college degree. I don’t think he’s said one positive word about the work I put in or congratulated me for finishing it, either.

I don’t want to paint an unfair picture, though. I will admit that over the past few years, I have not picked up the slack nearly as much as I should have. He still pays bills that require checks, etc. Still washes our clothes and bedding (which I would have a hard time doing due to some nagging physical issues). Still picks up groceries. Still cooks 2/3+ of the meals, though most meals are take out. But the kids wash their own clothes and wash dishes, and we all clean around the house. It’s not that much stuff, IMO, but it is imbalanced right now by 1-3 hours a week and he thinks it’s absolutely terrible. Nowhere near as bad as our first years were in the other direction, though. I know I’m an asshole for this, but it’s really hard to motivate myself to make the gesture of a change here when I don’t think it would make a bit of difference. He can find a way to be unhappy with his workload when I’m working 60 hours a week and he’s doing practically nothing.

Sex and affection:

When we were first together, it was obvious that he was very attracted to me. That’s the main reason that I wanted to be with him over other guys that I was interested in. Nobody had shown me that level of affection or even close. That’s just how I am. I am attracted to people that are really attracted to me. We had a LOT of sex, and we both enjoyed it. He would touch me affectionately, even in public and around friends, and I’m a very physical person so I liked the attention. He would look at me in the way that anyone would want to be looked at. The girls at the shop would be like “damn, he is really into you”. Things were pretty good.

But that all only lasted a year or two. His desire for me pretty much went to zero. He would still have sex a few times a week, but only if I was begging for it. He stopped looking at me. He stopped touching me outside of me initiating. There was almost no affection. Around this time, he also became very self-conscious over the girls and me looking at pictures of fit guys on occasion, when deployed especially, and one of my friends hiring some strippers for a bachelorette party. Fights over this would happen, and I would tell him that it should be so clear to him that I’m completely attracted to his body and that he has no reason to be self-conscious. Like just look at all the sex I want to have with you. Looking at eye candy on occasion, even naked eye candy, is not a big deal and doesn’t mean anything about my attraction to him. Just because instagram and ladyboners exist doesn’t mean that I don’t want him. I have never made even the slightest effort to be with another man. That is 100% the truth, to this day. But that’s not how he takes it. Every argument that touches this subject he makes me out to be a freak, disgusting, or a sex addict, literally calling me these things, and blames me for his lack of attraction and affection.

And that’s more or less how it is to this day. Except with years, additional weight gain, and poor health taking even more of a toll on his self-esteem. He is deeply insecure. I really do appreciate that he still has sex with me 2-3 times a week despite these issues, and he does make me cum pretty consistently, but it’s still never him initiating as if there is desire involved. It’s just more “I know that you need this thing, so here”. He doesn’t even bother to act like he finds me sexy. He’s still never affectionate outside of the bedroom, to the point of people embarrassingly asking me if he is my brother (thankfully out of his earshot). I still don’t feel wanted at all. I’m pretty sure at this point that if I stopped initiating, we would have sex 1-2 times a year if at all. And it sucks bad. I hate it. I don’t know if it’s just me, or if he’s been an asexual for \~15 years. But as we get older it just feels like maybe we would both be much happier with other people that aren’t galaxies away when it comes to sex and affection.

Neurodivergence, mental health, and arguments:

I have always been socially awkward and bad at taking hints. People have called me “anal” from a young age. I don’t really sugarcoat anything when I think there is a problem and that rubs some people the wrong way, including my husband at times. I tend to go into new friendships (or hobbies or anything else) pretty hard, because I really enjoy learning everything about new things or people, and I end up wearing myself or other people out. I’m sure that I’m not the easiest to live with, and my weirdness has definitely contributed to our poor relationship. I know I have improved, though, because I’ve put a lot of effort into it. I have so many more tools to cope with the way that I am than I had 15 years ago. I know how to focus my empathy and acknowledge that others don’t have to think or feel the same way that I do. I have a pretty good social mask that I wear in public, or at least I think I do, but I just don’t have the energy to maintain it every hour of the day. Especially not around people who are supposed to be the closest to me. And that’s always going to be how I am.

He has always been very insecure, jealous, irrationally stubborn, very ADD, and depressive. He can hold a grudge like nobody I have ever seen. I knew this all within the first few months of living with him, and I loved him anyway, because he’s also intelligent, funny, loving, good at getting me off, and a good person (and, yes, sexy to me, even in this body that he apparently hates). But he has gotten so much worse. And he has developed some real anger and paranoia issues over recent years. He has no concept of what a meaningful apology is. I have tried to push him towards therapy, but either makes excuses or flat out rejects the idea.

So many things that I do or say that can be taken in a way other than positive, he will take in the most negative way possible. No matter how many times I tell him “no, I don’t mean it like that, of course I wouldn’t” he will act like I have mortally wounded him. There is an article I have found that is very much a description of my life called “The Porcupine Effect: When Rejection is an Illusion”. Please look for it if you want to know exactly what I am talking about.

Any interaction like that is completely mentally exhausting to me. And on top of that, he escalates at every step. If I’m talking in a calm voice but saying something he doesn’t like, he will go straight to yelling and accusing. I may say something that sufficiently triggers his rage and he will scream and maybe even break things. Doesn’t even care if kids are around, and I do. We have multiple door and wall holes around the house. And recently, during one of his explosions, he threw my phone at me, got one inch away from my face screaming as loud as possible, and I really thought he was going to hit me in the face. I even put my arm up to block. It bothered me a lot, but since I don’t feel like he can really physically overpower me and I can defend myself, I was probably not as scared as I should have been in hindsight. He did actually apologize for making me scared that he would hit me, but that’s it.

Again, I don’t want to paint myself as innocent. I do sometimes say things that, although meant to be matter of fact/dry/without emotion, can come off as insulting. Generally because I have failed to process or sugar coat enough to remove any doubt about what I mean and not with ill intent. I am not good at walking on eggshells, and I’m usually blindsided by the extreme reaction I get. Still, after all this time. And when he flies off the handle like this, I absolutely fight back. I am intentionally mean. I will call him crazy, psychotic, a raging maniac, absolute dickhead, insanely jealous, etc. etc. Because I know he hates it, and because he IS being those things at the time. I know I’m wrong for doing that, but he will just shit all over me relentlessly until I hit that limit. I’ll also say that I am bad about apologizing when I respond like that. Because I’m not going to get an apology, and I am the one that was attacked, so I just can’t make myself do it even though it would possibly smooth things over (or maybe not).

What do we fight about? Aside from all of the things I’ve already mentioned, a major thing that he brings up is the time about three years ago when I became close friends with a younger married guy that we knew. What happened was that I had started talking to him because he mentioned in passing that he really liked a certain band that I also liked. So, we formed a friendship over that and several other common interests. As friends do, I would think. We did talk a lot over 3-4 months, partially from being bored and lonely at home, and partially just because he was a really positive person to talk to. Husband noted that I was messaging a lot, and I said we were just friends and nothing is going on. I even mentioned our common interests. At no point did I wish to have anything more than platonic. I never said a single thing about thinking he was hot or liking his body (and honestly, he’s cute I guess, but not really my type in that way). Never exchanged a single selfie. Never tried to meet up. Never had any pervy conversations or talked about sex in any manner. Never took any action at all to be more than platonic, and that’s absolutely the same vibe I got from him the entire time. Just messaged a lot and were nice to each other.

Husband, of course, still suspected me of having something inappropriate going on, as he has multiple times over the years (literally always unfounded), so he stole my phone and read my ENTIRE message history with him without my knowledge. Then absolutely exploded on me. I was the biggest piece of shit in the world. I was a cheater. He was my “boyfriend”. I had an emotional affair, which is even worse than if I’d just been having sex with him. Etc. etc. This was absolutely never my intention, and I’m not just trying to whitewash the situation. I really considered him just a good friend. I even apologized for crossing a line, because I really never meant to hurt my husband, and tried to explain as best I could that I really do go “all in” with new friends, giving several valid examples from the past, and that there was really no affair, but he would have none of it.

Then he blackmailed me into giving him an old phone that I had, leaving it logged into messaging apps, so that he could read everything I said. Otherwise, he was going to tell the guy’s wife that we were having an affair and leave me. And he said that we couldn’t be friends anymore. So that’s pretty much what happened. Spied on me for 3 months until I got tired of him holding it over my head so I logged the old phone out. And I’m still raked over the coals frequently because of this whole thing. Three years later, he’s still calling this man my “boyfriend” when he gets angry and doesn’t have anything real to say. He’s still saying that I’m a cheater. He still brings up his name when he wants to be hurtful.

I really do understand that he was hurt by this whole deal. And I feel bad about causing him this pain. I get that he has lines with my relationships that I didn’t think about or respect. For me, it’s my intentions that matter, but that doesn’t matter to him. I honestly don’t get how the amount of pain he’s inflicted on me with this over these past years is justified in his mind. It seems abusive to me, like it’s just a good knife to stab me with. It’s insane grudge holding. He apparently does not understand what forgiveness is.

The rest:

He truly cares about the kids, and is generally gentle with them. More so than I am. He cares about social justice, and wants the world to be better. He cares about our friends and family. He tries to be a good person. I don’t think he wants to hurt me, and I don’t want to hurt him, but it’s like he just doesn’t understand that he’s meeting none of my needs and I’m meeting none of his.

We still have common interests. We still have a deep friendship and decades of shared experience. We still go out and eat together, and watch shows/movies. But the marriage part of this deal is absolute shit. I have no idea how to even begin salvaging it. I have no idea how we’ve stayed in it so long. I tend to think that after a cooldown period we could co-parent and get along fine. Possibly keep a friendship. Or maybe I’m being too optimistic with that because that’s what I want to be true.

I just don’t know what to do. And I greatly appreciate any advice, reality checks, etc. that you can give me. If I left something out or need to clarify, just say.

TL;DR!-

In a marriage with no affection or attraction from husband. We still have sex (me being the one with the libido), but it’s a chore rather than something we both want. Many messy details, but there is constant fighting and neither of us are meeting the other’s needs. Need advice.