I’m (28f) newly married to my husband (37m). He has two great sons, 13 and 15. My question is a delicate one around how to act and dress around our new home when the boys are around.
My husband has told me I shouldn’t change anything about my style or appearance, it’s all fine. But his ex wife saw vacation photos of us and made a snide comment to a mutual friend that I was “prancing around” in a bikini in front of the boys, and she was evidently annoyed by this. She made similar comments about shorts I’ve worn at home.
I don’t think I am over the top with this kind of clothing, but she is a much more conservative type. So I am trying to navigate these new waters.
My husband has been very supportive and thinks I don’t need to change anything. I have noticed the boys “noticing” me when I wear certain things, and he has picked up on this as well, but he said that’s natural with a new woman in the house. I’m assuming/hoping they will start to see me as a mom figure before long.
Any advice is appreciated!
30 comments
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Sounds like she’s jealous 😂
Be yourself, but just keep in mind that they are hormonal testosterone filled little gremlins. Bikini on the beach etc is normal. Maybe not run around in underwear? You just have to find a balance.. And screw the jealous ex
Next you’re going to tell us he introduced you to them immediately. You have only been with their dad 18 months, are 10 years younger than their parents, they have never lived with you before, and they are only a few years away from adulthood. You will never be a mother figure to them.
They will look at you as horny teenagers do. It’s natural and unavoidable given the circumstances. I wouldn’t necessarily cover up, but you need to wrap your head around the fact that you are a decade younger possible bang maids replacement for this man. His ex will never like you. His children may not respect you, especially if their mom speaks openly like this.
>I’m assuming/hoping they will start to see me as a mom figure before long.
In your comments you say you didn’t live together before you got married. So I just want to give you some advice about this idea – it takes time to build a close relationship with kids. It will take many little experiences of waking up and eating breakfast together, telling them to turn down the volume on the t.v at bedtime, etc. for them to really see you as a stepmother. And since they’re teenagers and already have a mother who’s present, it’s probably going to be less of a mom figure and more of a cousin/good family friend figure. My point is that it’s probably going to take a little while for them to put you in the “family” category in their head.
As far as the clothes, listen to your husband and don’t worry. Who cares if his ex -wife doesn’t want you to dress by 21st century standards? I think it’ll be a good thing thing for you to show the boys that women who wear shorts and bathing suits should be treated respectfully.
If it gets to the point where it feels awkward when they ‘notice’ what you wear, then your husband can have a little chat about staring/what’s appropriate.
She sounds jealous. The boys are old enough that what you wear isn’t going to change their opinion on you either way and you shouldn’t care too much about what their mom says. If you birthed them out, I doubt you would be thinking twice about what kind of suit to wear to the beach. Wearing short shorts around the house to lounge in is normal. Where else are you supposed to wear them?? Also, don’t worry or try to be seen as a “mom” to them. They are again, probably too old to think that. Just be a good role model and show them that you love their dad and make him happy. That is what they are going to care about as teens. You know we all had that friend with the mom who was super cool, we loved and thought of as a second mom? That’s the role I try to play with my teen stepdaughter. You got this!
Ex wife is probably unhappy that her children’s father married a woman a decade younger after 18 months, and moved you in without apparently any discussion about how this would work with the kids.
You’re not going to be a mother figure to these kids, you have basically the same age difference between them as you do with thier dad.
They are teenage boys, they are going to ogle you if you dress sexy.
Your husband is giving you good advice, just be you. The ex wife might be jealous or just annoyed. She may not like the way your husband has handled the situation; marrying you and moving you in after only 18 months. That may make her feel protective over her sons. None of this is on you or within your control.
I were old question why the mutual friend shared the information with you, to be honest. What is the point? All it is going to do is make you feel insecure. Not sure if your mutual friend is really a friend or just likes to stir the pot.
Ok when you say bikini, is this a cover your ass, and showing what would be an appropriate amount of cleavage, or is this a thong, and you entire ass is on display, if you move wrong your clit will pop out, and it is just covering your nipples which or proudly being displayed. For the shorts are we talking daisy dukes, and your ass is hanging out, or latex shorts where there is nothing left to the imagination, or just normal shorts? This information matters. She may be conservative, but realistically what are we taking about?
This situation has so many complexities.
First and foremost, be true to who you are. There is likely some emotional reaction from their mom, so take it with a grain of salt.
Next, you talk about growing into the role of stepmom. That is a long, arduous path that is earned. If you or dad look to force this on them, it could go bad really fast. They will take reprimand and parenting from you only as they see you care, as you share moments with them. Add in a jealous mom and the situation gets tougher. Picture: you reprimand for something. Child doesn’t like it and turns to mom who resents you. They will build on resentment.
I like the comparison of being an aunt and build from there. That allows you to be true to who you are, to what you wear. Over time, that relationship may deepen.
The mom being jealous/ resentful. It’s likely there and you don’t really own that, but you have to accept it will impact stuff. My opinion, like many others is that this was very fast. Kids and their mom are likely spinning. I suggest you would help the situation by recognizing that and you’ll likely need to use tact.
How you dress is tough to judge. I don’t see how bikinis are an issue (guessing it’s more about jealousy than anything) and taking pride in your appearance vs being grumpy is not bad. If hubby says it’s ok, you have to trust him.
1. They have a mom
2. You are the young stepmother in tiny outfits. If they start seeing you as a mother, they need even more therapy than they alredy need.
Your husband’s ex has zero say in what you wear. This is something husband needs to address.
It’s unlikely the boys will ever see you as a mom figure as you are so close in age but they should treat you in a respectful manner.
There is nothing inappropriate about a bikini on vacation or shorts at home. Your husband needs to make it crystal clear to his ex that she has zero say in how his wife dresses. Do not engage with this woman. It won’t be worth it.
“I’m assuming/hoping they will start to see me as a mom figure before long.” Haven’t you seen Fast Times at Ridgemont High? 13 and 15 y/o boys are NOT going to see you that way when you have on a bikini. Not a chance. Not saying you shouldn’t dress the way you want, especially if hubby’s cool with it. I have the opposite problem. My wife, who’s damn hot and used to wear clothing showing cleavage and hugging her body (she’s Latina), completely changed her wardrobe when we had our daughters. When I complain about it, all I get is, “Sorry, I’m a mom now. Mom’s don’t dress like that.” I sigh and think to myself, “Some do, dammit!”
Personally, I don’t consider it “natural” for children to lust after their stepmother. The issue is that his kids are almost as close to your age as your husband. If you want to actually be viewed as a stepmother, you’ll need dress down I know it’s unpopular to say that to a woman, but it’s the reality. If you were unattractive, you could probably wear whatever you wanted. You can’t be attractive, close to their age, dress “sparingly,” and expect them to view you as a stepmother. Hubby likes having a young, hot wife, and it’s possible he’s not focused on building a “family.” Don’t listen to him on this one.
For the record, the kids will never view you as a mom. They’re far too old for that. The best you can hope for is that they grow to view you as a kind, supportive addition to their lives. If you start having children, they’ll probably hate you, so keep that in mind.
Golly is this awkward
Coming into teenagers lives is complicated enough- they will not see you as a maternal figure and you are not one. You need to accept that- being married to a father, doesn’t automatically make you a maternal figure to his children; this is particularly true if their mother is in their life and they are teenagers or older. Instead of trying to be a maternal figure, be another adult in their life who is there to support and encourage them.
Now think about what you’d want if you were a teenager- would you, as a 15 year old want to have your stepmother, who is 10 years younger than your parent and 13 years older than you, dressing in skimpy clothing, bikinkis, short-shorts? Yes you can wear what you want, but you also, as a parental figure, have a responsibility to consider how your actions impact your step-children.
My first thought was that dad enjoys being the alpha male in the house with the hot wife. Wonder what he would say if she was their sister.
They’re probably never going to see you as a maternal figure or parent. They were already teenagers when you entered the picture, they only live with you part time, and will likely be leaving in a few years for college. You are Dad’s wife, don’t try to be anything more. There’s a chance it will happen naturally, but pushing for it will have the opposite effect.
That being said, people should be comfortable in their own house, so if all members of the household are fine with how you dress, then don’t change anything. If you or the boys aren’t comfortable, and remember it was their house first, then change it. Simple as that. Ex -wife doesn’t get a say.
Unless you’re actively exposing yourself to minors, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.
“I’m assuming/hoping they will start to see me as a mom figure before long.” Porn says otherwise lol. I’m sorry, I kid.
You might be letting what the mom said bother you too much. Teens can’t help but notice a nip, learning to not look is a skill lol. There’s nothing wrong with shorts and a big t shirt in your own home. And if you catch them looking too long, maybe wear a Cami or an A shirt under the t shirt if you’re doing more than running to the bathroom. Obviously you guys have some adjusting to do, I wish you luck!
A man that marries ten years younger in under one year is proud of his new younger model and has bias when he says to dress the way you already do. He also probably feels proud if his boys lust after you a bit. He is not your voice of reason. The wife will protect her turf (her children) and not be helpful in you forming bonds with her sons. NOPE! You are naive to think of yourself as a stepmom. You will have to earn that and you don’t really have time. Be kind, helpful, and attentive to them. Let Dad lead discipline, although you should expect respect and kindness from the boys. As for how to dress? Are you a grown up? Wear what you want, but understand lots of skin, tight bottoms, and low cleavage gets responses. It’s why this clothing exists. If you feel uncomfortable with young boys potentially staring at your rack, then dress differently around them. I’m a teacher. I also happen to have a great set. I keep it covered at school and let it show when it otherwise suits me. Get it?
How many times today are you going to ask about this?
They’re 13 and 15 and don’t know you as their mom. I’d be conservative with it
MILF/Stepmom porn is huge these days. Take what you will with that info.
Also, accept that you’re not really their stepmom yet and possibly may never be seen that way. That’s an earned title. You’re still dad’s new wife. I love wearing skimpy bikinis and small clothes, but when I’m with my kids I have to do actual parent stuff and can’t really manage that with a Brazilian bikini bottom or a miniskirt so short that my butt hangs out when I bend over to do something. If you want them to respect you and form a friendship, accept that it may be difficult to obtain that respect and friendship when your assets are on display, as you put it.
Would not consider yourself “stepmom” and instead consider yourself their dad’s wife.
Girl. You’re 28 and their oldest is 15. That’s only a 13 year age gap. They will never see you as a mother figure and you shouldn’t assume or expect them to. It’s not gonna happen lmao. I’m 25 and I cannot imagine expecting two teen boys to view me as a mom. Lmao.
You should consider potentially dressing a bit more modest in the home with 2 teenager boys with ragging hormones. Trying not to change your style but maybe augmenting it a lit bit based on this new home dynamic.
I’m a stepmom to 2 kids around the same ages as yours, and one is a boy (16). I’ve known them for a really long time at this point, since they were little kids, and we’ve always had a great relationship, but I am not maternal to them AT ALL. I’m more like an auntie. I wouldn’t expect the boys to see you as a mom figure, especially starting at this age, and I would encourage you to manage your expectations around that a bit. You can still have a great relationship with them!
As for how you dress, use your best judgement. Ex’s opinions are completely irrelevant. Maybe for the sake of your own internal logic, dress the same as you would around any of your extended family members who are minors–niblings, younger cousins, etc. I definitely wear bikinis around the kids without a second thought and even run to the kitchen for a late night snack sometimes only wearing a T-shirt and undies, because that’s just how I’m accustomed to being in my home. The kids will hang out in their underwear on hot days, too (but this is our particular family bond based on a decade-long relationship–you might want to use more discretion based on your own intuition and your relationship with your husband’s kids). Definitely have a conversation with them + dad if you ever feel disrespected by blatant staring (they should learn about respect and consent in any case!) but nothing you’ve written here seems the least bit inappropriate to me, just normal blended family growing pains.
Good luck!
Maybe a somewhat unpopular opinion, but I think moms (and some dads too, I guess) need to be more mindful of what they wear around kids. I think it’s embarrassing when you see a woman out with her kids and she’s dressed inappropriately, clearly trying to look like a “young, hot mom”. Most of the families I know that are/have been in this situation, the kids are embarrassed by it because even if they’re not having dirty thoughts about it, their friends are. Not saying anyone needs to wear a burlap sack or anything, (and maybe what you’ve been wearing is fine, hard to say)but making some minor tweaks wouldn’t be a bad idea 🤷🏼♀️
I feel like once you have kids, setting a good example is important. And it would probably also be good for your husband to have a talk with his sons about respecting women, behaving appropriately, etc.
Honestly ture 13 and 15 and have their mom in their lives
It’s incredibly unlikely they will ever see you as mom or an authority type figure, you will most likely be dad’s wife forever
I’m not trying to be horrible, just saying how it most likely will be
As for them noticing you, ofcourse they will if you’re wearing revealing clothes and it’s because you’re not their mom lol, you can try to dress differently if you want but they’re teenage boys, it probably won’t make much difference
Hi my dad married his wife when I was 15 (10 years ago now) Don’t expect to ever be seen as a “mom figure”. I love my dads wife, but she has always been “my dads wife”
I agree, you don’t need to change how you dress if you’re dressing in reason around them. Their mom is probably more jealous about your appearance hence the comment. But of course they may notice, you’re not their bio mom so for awhile they’re going to look. I do feel in time it’ll fade out. Especially if your husband is lovey dovey to you in front of them.