I am still religious, but liberally. It’s been a long journey of deconstructing, therapy, etc.
So still deconstructing/deprogramming. I jumped into online dating over a year ago and had success with getting dates. It took me a bit to figure out how to filter out people better. I just hadnt had almost any dating experience, which I know is a bit crazy for my age. So I went through a lot of phases I bet teenagers go through college. And I learned a lot. One is that I dont vibe with purity culture at all. If I sense one once of it on someone I want to run. Unless its similar to me in the sense that they are trying to walk away from it. Many buy into it even at my age. And I’ll respect people for their boundaries either way. I had a couple times where I probably could have escalated to more intimacy, but I struggled.
I grew up being taught that men are sexual and women are not so much. Almost gives a predatorial vibe that men are sexual beings who “hunt” for a partner. Women being submissive. It made it seem like women didnt really enjoy sex, they just did it to please their husband. Yeah very toxic for sure!
Lots of stuff I have been able to work through, so I definitely am not fresh out of purity culture, but I still have some questions.
Do women enjoy sex as much as men? I know that depends on the person of course. Overall I often feel that a women doesnt really care about sex, but does it if they want to feel close to someone. Which definitely supports the idea that women have sex for love and men have sex for pleasure. Which it can obviously be both.
But when I am on a date and I feel chemistry I always have the voice in my head telling me that the horniness I am feeling is only on my end. That Its not that welcome. Hard to imaging a women wanting to have sex with me the way I feel.
But then I see women online talking about how they havent gotten any for awhile, or that they want sex daily, etc. Which completely blows up my worldview of things. I tend to fear women letting me do things they dont really want. I think it will be hard to have sex with someone without feeling like I want it and they are letting me take advantage.
So me being the man who is supposed to make the moves, doesnt feel comfortable making moves, becuase I have a hard time imaging the other person wanting me too.
I think I had more on my mind, but that is the important one.
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I can give you only somewhat lazy perspective of a cis man, but generally women enjoy sex as much as men do.
There are social and practical reasons, why women are not that forward about their desire until they are comfortable with a person, but one of practical ways to think about it is to simply assume that women are generally demisexual. So yeah, you probably should tone down your horny until you get to know each other better.
>Which definitely supports the idea that women have sex for love and men have sex for pleasure.
On other hand, the myriad of various sex toys made for women doesn’t support this idea at all.
Some women may like a more dominant partner in the bedroom or some women may prefer to be the dominant one, but that’s a discussion you should have with them before. You don’t have to go into full business meeting sex contract mode cause that might dampen the mood but just playfully ask her like “hey what do you like be funny and still be enjoyed, you don’t have to be a porn star the first (lol it doesn’t hurt though) r I’ll have with my partner and some little light touches here and there. It’s like pre-foreplay. Women are sexual and we like to feel desired. Now you have to level this out by making sure you listen to her verbal and nonverbal cues. Even if you don’t end up having sex or even messing around building that tension can be just as hot and keeping that tension for the next time can be amazing. Basically, women like to feel desired and sexy and that their partner is truly interested and intrigued by them.
I will say in my experience the first time having sex or messing around with someone for me what tends to happen is just trial and error without explicitly saying “these are my bordaries, these are my kinks, etc.” I enjoying messing around with the person the first especially if we’re both comfortable and also sex can be funny and still be enjoyed, you don’t have to be a porn star the first (lol it doesn’t hurt though)
Some women may like a more dominant partner in the bedroom or some women may prefer to be the dominant one, but thats a discussion you should have with them before. You don’t have to go into full business meeting sex contract mode cause that might dampen the mood but just playfully ask her “hey what do you like?” And if you’re messing around and she says “hey I think this is all I want to do or hey I think I need to go home” just be cool and tell her you had a good time. Always respect each others boundaries even if you or your partner did explicitly state them beforehand they may say “stop” or seem uncomfortable with whatever y’all are engaged in physically. Remember you don’t have to figure it all out right then and there. Sometimes it’s good to just follow her lead.
Also, I’m from the South where purity culture is a major thing, but I will say bringing this up to your partner even if you don’t want to go into full in my opinion would be a good thing. There’s a level of understanding that can be established when discussing where you came from and how you grew up.
One thing that is inportant to realize is that the church interfering in couples sex lives dates back to the middle ages and christianity is 1200 years older than that. This was a clerical decision primarily focused on gaining power and land.
I would take all religious doctrine regarding sex that doesnt focus on kindness and throw it out.
That said, woemn like good sex at least as much as men do, and that does include a caveat that ace people exist and are valid. Now, i think good sex for women can be harder to find that good sex for men, because men are conditioned to have lower standards for quality sex and because they are biologically equipped, typically, to be able to orgasm more easily. Good sex for a woman can be a more nuanced matter. A lot of men dont bother to learn how to be good sexual partners. I reccomend books called “She comes first” and “come as you are”
Consent and trust are the best practices model for a reason. Dont have sex with anyone you cant trust to be honest about their consent. That question ultimately lies with you.
>I think it will be hard to have sex with someone without feeling like I want it and they are letting me take advantage.
You can’t take advantage of a woman if she’s given you her consent to have sex with her. A sober woman can give you consent. You can only take advantage of a woman when she’s unable to give you her consent. A drunk woman can’t give you her consent. “Tea and Consent” is a short YouTube video that explains consent, The FAQ also has a section about [consent](https://www.reddit.com/r/sex/wiki/index/#wiki_consent)
>So me being the man who is supposed to make the moves, doesnt feel comfortable making moves, becuase I have a hard time imaging the other person wanting me t
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If you meet a woman and the chemistry is good then the odds are good that they want to have sex with you. She won’t be taken by surprise when you make the first move. It’s very easy to overlook the signs that a woman is interested in having sex with you. This often because many women use signs instead of words to show their interest. If you search YouTube for “dumbest guy award” you’ll find a video of stories about men who missed all the signs that a women was interested in them.
There are a few books that you should check out. Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free, by Linda Kay Klein. Shameless: A Case for Not Feeling Bad About Feeling Good, by Nadia Bolz-Weber, and Beyond Shame: Creating a Healthy Sex Life on Your Own Terms by Matthias Roberts.
It’s very easy to overlook the signs that a woman is interested in having sex with you. This often because many women use signs instead of words to show their interest. If you search YouTube for “dumbest guy award” you’ll find a video of stories about men who missed all the signs that a women was interested in them.
One day you will probably meet a woman who drools over you. If passion is important to you and it is an ingredient to a healthy love life for you, keep dating, ask questions about their libido, sexual expectations, and keep trying until you find someone that matches you.
Some girls have super low libido
Some have a high libido but are repressed
Some play dumb mind games
Some are awkward and try their best
Some are like night and day once they trust and develop feelings for you (demisexual)
You’ll find a girl who craves you! Who flirts and chases you into the shower, who is experimental and excited to enjoy sex. There’s lots out there.
We like sex trust me … Some of us have higher sex drive then most men
As a person who grew up in a strictly religious household I understand where you are coming from. The desexualization of women is actually a desire for genetic sovereignty. If a woman is limited to one sexual partner then the male knows that he fathered her offspring. This has led to a high degree of slut shaming particularly in strictly religious environments.
Women want sex just like men do. Particularly in the last 20 or so years women have been empowered in their sexuality. This includes the ability to say no. In most situations if a woman doesn’t ant to have sex she isn’t going to. A woman who consents to sex is going feel to taken advantage of in most circumstances
Been there before. For way too much of my life.
I was finally able to internalize the idea that women genuinely can enjoy flirting when I started watching Craig Ferguson (talk show host) on YouTube. He interviewed some of the sexiest women on the planet and they were genuinely enjoying themselves flirting back with him and many of them absolutely owned that they were attracted to him. It was all just people being honest and him being great at his job (and being attractive, incredibly insightful and witty as hell, and having an accent certainly helped).
So yes. Women can and do enjoy the company of men as much as the reverse. They have a harder time with some aspects (like being physically smaller and weaker on average means they cannot take many of the same risks as men and this plays out in many ways), but yeah, all women don’t just suffer through a world that forces them to painfully accept and endure and put up with us men all the time (although yeah that still happens way too much because assholes suck).
Some of them are absolutely victimized at times (and for completeness there are men out there being abused by women too) but on average, as long as you’re coming in with genuine intentions, not being a “nice guy”, have enough self-confidence, are willing to risk getting shot down and then accepting that rejection with good grace, and have a modicum of being able to read the room, it’s a really fun world to play with.
And a woman can love sex as much as any man, it just depends on the woman. (Note: most women prefer men coming in softly and then ramping up when it comes to sexual interactions, as a rule of thumb. Which is (as a random example) one of the many reasons why dick pics fail because that’s just aggressive without the right context, but once they’re properly in the mood and know you, and have consented, plenty of women love that stuff.)
If you browse through r/DeadBedrooms you will see a lot of us are women dealing with husbands who don’t want sex. And the women have higher libidos than their husbands.
I am a woman with a very high libido. I always say I can have sex everyday even though I’m not sure if that’s true because it has never happened. But I think I could.
As someone who grew up super religious and in purity culture and now rejects it I 100% get what you mean by the predatory nature of it.
Women can enjoy sex as much as men but in practice that doesn’t end up happening for a lot of women.
I also left religion and didn’t date until I did. I lost my virginity to my first girlfriend at 26. Communication and initiating casual sex is much easier after already been in a relationship. You’ll pick up on cues and understand that women are quite open to it as well. Although women who are older may be looking for more commitment. Nothing wrong with getting a girlfriend first and learning the ropes.
“The horniness is only on my end” is definitely something I personally relate to as that’s how I felt conditioned my whole life in regards to sexual matters. This sort of thinking (imho) definitely stems from a more traditional/conservative environment.
Combine that with cultural stereotypes with dating (e.g. The man must lead/chase), we’re stuck with a sad reductionist view on sex and intimacy, leading to people not being their most authentic selves.
I’m also still a virgin at 31 but feel Im much more better equipped in regards to genuine sexual matters, especially in today’s standards. But it wasn’t easy because it involved having to deconstruct my own understanding of sex that was heavily influenced by my own social, cultural and religious environment.
The fact that your asking these questions now, tells me you’re on a good first step and to keep on asking more questions, especially in avoiding the damage purity culture has done towards sex.