I am trying OLD for the first time. I’m coming out of a 11 year relationship and marriage so this is very new.
We’ve been separated a while and are processing paperwork.
I have no intention or desire to enter into a serious relationship right now but would like to see what’s out there, meet people and have fun.
If I’m not trying to enter into another marriage or serious LTR is it necessary to mention my kids in my profile or in conversation before meeting someone? Or mentioning the exact status of my marriage? I’m trying to figure out if it seems deceitful if I don’t mention but it shouldn’t affect them since I’m not trying to find something very serious right now.
32 comments
Asap
You should mention this before meeting in person. Ideally on your profile if you have children.
I’d personally be upset if someone didn’t disclose that they had kids and were in the process of a divorce before meeting. These are factors that I would swipe left on, and I’d feel like both of our time was wasted by this not being disclosed up front. Mention these things on your profile.
In your profile
Be honest. Put kids in the profile.
Tell who ever you are talking to your marital status.
Lying by omission is the worst…
I hate it when people trying to justify this behavior…
I want to know if the person I’m meeting is still married and has kids…. you may not be looking for something serious but the person who is coming to meet you might be. You should both be on the same page. You don’t want you time wasted or disrespected…
Don’t do it to anyone else
Please disclose that you are separated (as in still married) on your profile so that people like me who are looking for a relationship can swipe left and you don’t waste our time.
I’m literally in this exact situation rn… 13 year relationship, 8 year marriage, and a toddler. I have been on bumble and tinder for a few weeks.
I put “recently single and looking to meet people” in my profile and disclosed that I have a kid. Im still getting plenty of matches. If people ask more, I’m happy to elaborate, about 50% of people do. I think this is truthful and accurate without having to advertise the details of my exact situation.
up front. ideally profile or talking phase, at least by first date
Immediately. It’s in my profile.
I’d prefer you tell me if you have kids before a date (I’m childfree so it is important).
Marriage seperation but not officially divorced is fine to mention during the first date.
I don’t have kids but I did date before my divorce was officially filed. In my mind, it was over when we had a settlement which was also a legally binding document for divorce. I brought it up before I met anyone. Really, if we had a flowing conversation, I brought it up the first day we talked. The earlier the better.
This is ironic to me but all the things I think are deal breakers are typically not, in fact I don’t know if anyone has cared about things I thought would be a deal breaker. Only to find something else is a deal breaker.
I am well past my divorce but I dated maybe 12 people before it was officially filed (not the settlement but court filing) and only one had an issue with it, we still went on a date, after it was finalized. I believe the honesty was helpful. And the reason for the high number of dates (for me without getting into anything serious) was I had to relearn how to date.
The fact you have children should be on your profile but most apps have a place where it doesn’t need to be in your bio, if people don’t look at bio, that is on them.
FYI, the first person I dated after I divorced didn’t drink, hated people who smoked weed, and especially hated smokers (which I am no longer a smoker). All filled out accurately. She was seriously disappointed to learn that from me. My last girlfriend even said she would have never swiped on me if she knew I was a musician and I smoked weed. After we broke up, I looked at my profile and I clearly started it. It’s hard to know what people actually pay attention to, even when it’s important to them so I am inclined to discuss again at this point so many things get missed. It sucks to think all is well and you have a major deal breaker you literally put in front of their face but they didn’t do their due diligence and you suffer the consequences.
To be clear, OP, are you looking for something casual that could potentially turn serious? Or casual as in, purely a hookup or FWB?
If the former, yes absolutely disclose it on your profile. If the latter, I would disclose that filter on your profile, but wouldn’t find it necessary to disclose kids/divorce. (I’m not a casual dater, so take that with a grain of salt.)
Both having kids and still being legally married should be on your profile. Some people won’t care, especially if they are looking for casual but that should their decision
How casual are you talking?
If this is hookups then kids don’t matter but some people might still find it morally wrong sleeping with someone who’s technically married? Dunno.
There are a lot of people who may be interested in casual fun, but not with someone who is still married.
People deserve to know who and what they’re getting involved with. If it’s not in your profile, you need to let people know immediately when you begin having a conversation.
If you think it wouldn’t be a big deal to people since it would be casual, why would you try to hide it or be misleading? You know you need to be up front about this.
Some of the responses on here are saying that they wouldn’t want to date someone in your position as they’re looking for a serious relationship, so it shows that people don’t read all the information presented to them.
That said, even though you’re looking for something casual, I’d still recommend putting all the information up there. That you’re looking for casual, have kids, are in the process of divorcing, as people who would normally pass those things by for LTR would consider them for the short term
Everyone is responsible for their own dealbreakers. I wouldn’t have a long term relationship with someone who has kids, but it’s up to me to screen for that. If I don’t want to go out with someone with a quality X even once, I’ll ask about it. I’m perfectly capable of doing this, so I assume others are as well.
Immediately. I want to know the legal status of marriage and about kids before even thinking about meeting up.
I wouldn’t post it on my profile for safeguarding reasons. Parents get this.. but mention once talking for a while.
It’s a tricky subject, bringing it up out of context if not asked as it can come off like a disclaimer.
I’d always ask if they have any children first to then be asked in return.
Why wouldn’t you tell people this upfront?
Someone having kids is a major factor in their free time availability, where future dates can take place/end, and even financial considerations. Unless your definition of ”casual” is “20 mins for a booty call at a hotel only”, it’s almost impossible for kids to not be a factor real quick.
If I ask you to spend half a Saturday with me and you say you can’t with no explanation (while the real reason being kids soccer games or whatever), then I’m wondering if you’re even all that interested. If I know the real reason, I can make a call of that is something I want to work around or not. Same with after a few dates and maybe it’s crappy winter weather with not much to do out and about, but would be nice to have an at home dinner date. Which home though?
Well you say neither home and can’t do this dinner at home date. Real reason you can’t at your place is because you don’t strange men meeting your kids. Real reason you can’t at my home is because there are always against leaving your minor aged children alone and last minute sitter wasn’t going to happen. But what’s the fakes excuse given because you don’t want to say you have kids? “Sorry, can’t do a date like that anytime soon, only 90 min neutral site dates”?
Okay well I’m sorry, but this situation of you just turning down date ideas with no context sucks so I’ll just be single as it’s easier on me to not be excited about dating someone who shuts ideas down 🤷♂️
But again if the kid situation is laid out from the get go, I can adjust my expectations and sympathize with your obligations as a parent. Or for some they want non of that noise and can bow out immediately.
Disclose having kids on your profile. Disclose the divorce as it comes up naturally or within the first couple dates. I dated while legally separated and exactly zero people cared. I did find that opportunities presented themselves. For example they might mention a friend’s divorce and I’d take that opportunity to disclose my own and then we’d move along with the date. I didn’t make it a big deal or have an emotional conversation, just a statement and then moved the conversation along.
For awhile it was really difficult for me not to feel like a failure about it or have emotion surrounding it. I would recommend you home off dating until you can talk about it as easily as you can talk about going to the grocery store. It’s only as big a deal as you make it.
The kids should be mentioned on the profile, even for casual things.
Going to disagree with everyone- I think it’s more important to emphasize that you want something casual than your relationship/kid status. The kids aren’t relevant if your future dates are never going to meet them. Especially if you are using tinder which is basically a hook up app now anyway.
First thing in the profile. Kids are a deal breaker for some. Still being attached is a deal breaker for most.
I seem to be the outlier here but if you state clearly that you’re looking for casual I would be okay with finding out the rest during initial chatting or on a first date. I would definitely want to know before getting intimate.
Keep in mind though that “casual dating” isn’t always simple. You need to know what you want and be a good communicator or stuff will get messy real quick. I suggest you have a long hard think about what you want from dating and setting some “ground rules” for yourself. There are some good articles out there if you Google stuff like “how to date casually” etc.
Good luck out there!
Not disclosing kids in a profile is very annoying. It’s a huge part of someone’s life and will undoubtedly have a large impact on the dynamics and day-to-day life in a relationship. You say you’re not looking for a LTR, so I’d consider mentioning this too.
In general I’m a big fan of information. Dating takes energy and effort and time, and I appreciate knowing about major incompatibilities (intentions with dating or family-wise) before spending time on a person.
You don’t have to put them on the profile. But I will say during the first interaction and messaging you should tell them that you have kids. The divorce isn’t a big deal.
But I definitely wouldn’t date somebody with kids. So I would be upset if I went out with you just to find out you had kids.
I (44m) am separated and have two children and mention it in my profile up front. I’ve noticed from the women I have been on dates with that some are in similar situations but don’t always state it out the gate but often in early conversation. Most do. Depends a bit on the app as well since some encourage brevity and people get away with it. To me it would be good to know and to an extent it gives me a clearer picture of their availability.
Both need to go in the profile
Right away.. ppl all have their own hopes and dreams, might aswell squash the fantasy right away otherwise it could def be seen as deceptive
Even in a casual relationship honesty is crucial.
You’re asking women to risk their physical safety and health to have sex with you. One of the very basic ways you show that you are a decent person is by being honest.
So be upfront in your profile. Anything else is deceitful and manipulative.