My(28f) now ex-boyfriend(28m) and I broke up a month ago. We’d been together for 9 years. It was a mutual break up and it was extremely difficult. We had been on the rocks for a long time, then I lost my job and I had what I now know was a manic episode and I also had undiagnosed bipolar disorder.

While on the rocks, I cheated on him. I take full responsibility for what I did and I’m extremely ashamed of it. I never thought I’d be the type of person to do it but I did it. I was out drinking with friends, ran into someone I had known in high school, drank some more and went back to his place. My ex had been away for work at that point for 3 weeks and I’d been out of work for 2. Not making excuses, just stating the facts.

Leading to the night in question, I had begun drinking excessively throughout the week and while I’ve always had clinical depression and anxiety, I spiralled and I went into a deep pit. My roommate and I went out one night and the events happened.

The next day I woke up and immediately felt the worst I’ve ever felt. Not looking for sympathy, but I was seriously out of my mind and considering unaliving myself. My roommate had to call 911 and I was admitted to a psychiatric ward. I didn’t tell my boyfriend what had happened, just that I was now in the hospital. While in the hospital and getting stabilized, I didn’t really hear from him. He’s always been uncomfortable with me and my “mental health stuff.”

Once I got out, we sat down and decided that our relationship had run its course. It was sad, there were lots of tears and while I still cheated on him, I absolutely did and do care for him and hold a tremendous amount of love for him.

It’s been a month since we broke up and I’ve been working at getting myself back together. I’m on new meds, meeting my therapist regularly again, and have started attending an addictions program for my drinking. I’ve gone back to work, thankfully my old job took me back and I’m really trying to be a better person.

He’s reached out and wants to talk, I’m wondering if I should come clean about the cheating. Part of me feel he deserves to know and the other part thinks I should keep it to myself to prevent more hurt.

TL;DR I had a manic episode, spiralled, cheated on my partner and never confessed but we broke up for other reasons. He wants to talk again, should I confess?

23 comments

  1. Depends. If he expresses interest in dating again, you need to tell him. Be responsible for it and apologize and explain what you are doing to fix yourself. Let him know it’s ok if that means he no longer wants to date again.

    If he just wants to know what went wrong and how you are doing, a closure conversation, why hurt him that way?

  2. What you did was unbelievably shitty. But as someone who has been cheated on, I don’t think I would want to know, UNLESS he has romantic feeling for you still and wants to pursue a relationship, or if the person you cheated on him with is a friend of his.

    If the break up is mutual and neither of you want to get back together, then I wouldn’t tell him, even though that means you get away with it, that is a small price to pay for him avoiding the years long pain and trust issues that come with the truth.

  3. >Part of me feel he deserves to know and the other part thinks I should keep it to myself to prevent more hurt.

    Are you crazy lol

    Part of the reason that he’s reaching out is probably because he’s confused. Had he known about the cheating, I doubt he’d be willing to talk again.

    Of course you should tell him.

  4. I think people are being too harsh. Being in mania is a psychotic episode…one that makes people take risk taking behavior they otherwise wouldn’t take which can include having sex with a bunch of different people during the episode. Some people have burned through their entire life savings while manic.

    I would keep it to yourself unless you two start speaking about being in a relationship again.

  6. He deserves to know and not waste time trying to get back together, which he wouldn’t if he knew you cheated. He’s not good for you either, due to his lack of understanding for mental health, and he might not know that and just misses you.

    I wouldn’t minimize your mental health either. Normally I am hard on the one who cheats but I think you need more compassion and understanding, for yourself.

  9. You know you’re in the wrong and are taking full responsibility for your transgression – but please don’t stop there. If he cheated on you (no matter the circumstance), I’m sure you would want to know. Please do the right thing for him and tell him exactly what happened – then it’s up to him what he wants to do. Take care.

  11. I’d do it.

    It will help you hate you forever and never look back on how shitty your relationship break up was.

  16. Don’t tell him… spare hm that humiliation… unless he is going to try to get back in a relationship.. then you have to so he can decide if that is what he really wants. Now go have the talk he wants, and maybe the one he doesn’t

  17. It wasn’t a mutual break up if you cheated.

    You ended the relationship without having the courtesy to let him know…but hey, you do you.

    But do this guy a favor. No talks. No telling him what you did. Just tell him it would be better if you didn’t see each other again. Why hurt him any more than you already have? Why hurt yourself any more over things you can’t change?

  18. the only thing this would accomplish is make you feel better and hurt him. if it was during a manic episode and you were at the end of the relationship anyway. that situation wont be coming up again hopefully so its not information that will do him any good to have.

  20. If you have any thought about trying this relationship again at some point, or you think he does, you should tell him. He deserves to know the sort of person you are and it will make it easier for him to know he needs to move on. If you are both planning to move on and go no contact, then all you’re really doing is making yourself feel better at his expense.

  21. For all that you say you feel awful and want to tell him, your post doesn’t actually address the main reasons that telling him would make sense and it therefore comes across like you just want to feel less guilty rather than help him.

    So let’s backtrack here. You cheated, went to the hospital, got out, and then broke up. Did you have sexual contact after you cheated? Do you need to tell him to get tested because you decided to play fast and lose with his health by having sexual contact with another person and then him? Is there a benefit to him in managing his own physical health to know you were unfaithful?

    Second, you make it sound like a mutual break-up. Who actually initiated? What is his narrative of why you two broke-up? Is there some greater understanding he’ll gain from knowing you cheated? For example, if you led him to believe this ended purely because he failed as a partner to support you in a mental health crisis and he feels guilty about that and is now reaching out due to guilt, there might be some benefit for him in knowing this additional info. In other words, would it help him to know it wasn’t mutual and/or that he did the right thing by dumping your ass?

    Third, what is his relationship with the friends involved who know about this? Does he currently trust someone in his life who enabled your cheating? Does he deserve to know that he has shitty friends if the people you went out with were mutuals? Is your roommate someone he knows or even lives with too?

    Four, is it possible he’ll find out in other ways? If so, will he understand this in the context of a manic episode or will he hear this and think you were cheating throughout your nine years together? Is it likely he’ll hear this in a more painful way from someone else (example: a professional context) does he need to hear it from you now first?

    Fifth, does he harbor any desire to reconcile with you? Would this be helpful in ensuring he actually moves on with his life and finds someone in a much better place to be a good partner to him?

    Sixth, what is his own mental health state? How would causing him additional pain by telling him this likely impact him?

    Seventh, what do you know about him. You were with him for 9 years. Is he the kind of person who believes truth is important no matter what? Who wants to dissect things after the fact and get to the bottom of the why even if it is painful? Or would he rather disengage from the harsh and hard stuff (as evidenced by him avoiding your mental health stuff)?

    I can keep going, but hopefully you get my point.

    This relationship is dead and telling him is going to cause a lot of pain. Do you have a valid and well thought out reason to do so that actually is about his needs rather than yours? If not, why are you considering this? Why are you even still talking to him? Focus on your recovery instead. The way you move forward from this is by ensuring you never do anything like this to anyone ever again.

  22. No. Do not tell him, unless he wants to get back together. Then he should know what he would be getting back into. If he doesn’t want to get back, you would only cause him pain and he would feel bad about himself. He might start searching for the reasons in him not being enough.

    If he wants to get back together, he should know. It may still cause him a lot of pain and he might go down the same road as above, but it might show him he doesn’t want you back.

    If you didn’t tell him and you would get back together, he might find out eventually and that would break everything again.

  23. “Unaliving myself?” That’s an…interesting way of talking about suicide.

    In response to your question, it’d be one thing to consider telling him if you were still in a relationship, but coming clean at this point serves no purpose other than to maybe make yourself feel better and likely hurting him in the process. Refrain, and learn from your mistake.

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