I’m not sure what to do here; my fiancé has a history of breaking things when he loses his temper. Stair bannisters, printers, door handles etc but never anything directly mine. He has a short fuse and I’ve told him in the past it’s not gonna fly with me and almost had me calling it quits at around 6 months pregnant. I’ve made it abundantly clear that he cannot act like that ever around our baby, it will scare her and she does not deserve to grow up afraid of her dad losing his temper. He half heartedly pursued anger management before she was born but never attended a session.
Well, today he lost his temper trying to fix something of ours – it’s old and as such the fixings are not in the best condition. A bolt snapped tightening it back up and I said that I knew something was going to go wrong. He took this as an attack on him and smacked the spanner off of it and the floor and repeatedly said oh you knew something would go wrong? fuck you etc and then grabbed a loaf of bread of the counter, ripping the packaging and throwing the whole thing on the floor going on about how I knew that would have gone wrong too. All of this with our 4 month old playing on the floor. Honestly she seemed unphased but I left with her to go to my parents.
I guess I’m asking whether it’s worth considering calling it a day over this or is it worth trying to push anger management again? Or is it fairly understandable for people to break things in anger and I should just let it go? Otherwise we have a very good relationship and he is a patient and involved dad.
20 comments
Leave *and* push anger management. That is, he has to get his anger under control before you will consider returning there.
This is *not* normal. Someone may get intensely frustrated and angry and break his toe while kicking a helmet, but to intentionally pick up something to break? No.
It is not normal at all for adults to break things in anger and I really hope he hasn’t been telling you that it is. This kind of aggression (verbal and hitting/throwing items) tends to escalate with time the longer a relationship goes on (especially if you get married, which makes it logistically harder to leave). If you stay and put up with it, he’ll learn that he can use that aggression to get what he wants and you won’t leave him whatever he does. And your daughter will learn that it’s normal for the men in your life to yell, swear and throw things, and it’s something you’re supposed to tolerate in relationships. Is that what you want for her?
This behavior is common for some, but definitely *not *normal. To the contrary, his reactions will only get worse if he does not get help managing his emotions. I say “emotions” because anger is often the manifestation of fear, guilt, shame and other feelings that your man has not learned how to properly process. Get out and get safe— if not for you for your girl. Stay away until he has shown he is committed to changing his behavior. No one should be continually exposed to that, certainly not by choice. Good luck !
For him to go out of his way to fuck with the bread is concerning.
I can at least understand being aggressive with the object of one’s frustration and maybe using too much force with a door, which still shows poor anger management, but doing that to the bread was really strange.
>I’ve made it abundantly clear that he cannot act like that ever around our baby, it will scare her and she does not deserve to grow up afraid of her dad losing his temper.
But he’s going to anyway, as you just experienced. You need to leave.
>he is a patient […] dad
No, he’s not. You are always a parent. Even if the child never personally triggers his tantrums, growing up around that kind of violence and outrage is going to fuck her up.
I agree with another poster, leave AND push for anger management. Make anger management a necessary (but not sufficient!) condition for you getting back together.
>I’ve made it abundantly clear that he cannot act like that ever around our baby
If you go back to him, then this is completely false. Going back to him means you’re fine with his anger.
That’s definitely not a good sign. He needs to get help dealing with his emotions. Hoping he doesn’t hit or hurt you. Take care of yourself.
Unacceptable behavior
What do you mean, is it understandable?! Does your dad act like this? If so, I can see why you’ve sought out an abusive guy just like him; if not, why would it be understandable for a man to explode in rage when you know husbands and dads can be better than this?
It sounds like he’s successfully broken your normal meter. Of course it’s not understandable. He’s not a patient dad and you don’t have a good relationship. Unless you want your daughter to grow up thinking this is normal, get out (safely) ASAP.
You don’t break and throw things in anger. No one else you know does that. Therefore it is not normal and you know it.
If you need permission, here it is. You have permission from me to leave. He is abusive, he is violent. Get away. It will not get better but it could get much worse.
In the very least your child is going to have an extremely unhealthy view of what’s normal. Do you want her to grow up and be with a person who acts like this? How are you going to tell her to leave her partner when you know they’re violent, if you spend her whole life telling her Daddy is a good person? He’s not.
This is unsafe. It’s only a matter of time before he takes it out on your or your child.
DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM!!!
You said that its not gonna fly with you, stick to your word.
Do you really want your daughter growing up to think this behaviour is normal? If you want to put up with it (you shouldn’t) that’s your business. But your daughter is too young to be able to defend herself in any way. It’s your job to protect her. Do it.
Does he have any history of adhd? One of the defining symptoms of adhd is low frustration tolerance and impulsively. Could potentially explain the anger issues and him not knowing how to healthily express his anger and frustration. I will emphasize that it doesn’t excuse this behavior, rather give context to what could be the reason behind it. Regardless of any kind of condition it is his responsibility to work on these issues for the health of the family and y’all’s relationship. I would definitely bring the concern back to his attention and let him know that this is a repeated offense and if nothing is genuinely going to change than you’ll have to reconsider the relationship for the health of you and your daughter.
>He half heartedly pursued anger management before she was born but never attended a session.
Thats not pursuing anger management, thats PRETENDING to pursue anger management.
If you want to protect your child you need to not have her around someone who cannot control himself. It really is that black and white of an issue.
I think… it is only a matter of time before you or your child become the thing he takes his anger out on.
When you’re at an interstate rest stop and the 3yo who hasn’t urinated in 5 hours is screaming “YOU CANT MAKE ME PEE” and you can’t resume your 10 hour drive until they do… those are the moments that would try the patience of a saint.
I will confess to having thrown and broken things in anger on occasion. But it’s always a conscious choice to let myself do it, and I always go somewhere alone to do it. It doesn’t sound like your fiancé is in control of where his anger is pointed – he was angry at you, and *barely* managed to redirect his anger at a loaf of bread.
I am sorry but this sounds like a cause for serious concern. He’s got to be able to control when and how he lets the anger out, otherwise he is dangerous to be around.
Ex-fiancé
Ex
Once the frustrarion within a relationship progresses to the point that once person can choose violence and destruction to or at the other – even by proxy, the relation is irretrievably broken.
This is practiced violence and you and your daughter are next.
Source : my dad broke my back when I was around 4.
It’s a loaf of bread now but what’s next? Your relationship can’t be saved and you need to protect yourself and your daughter now.
Absolutely call it a day, consider the possibility of reconciliation under strict therapy and medication. My ex was like this and things improved when he went on antidepressants but he’ll need them forever. But I can understand your fear for your child and your possible PTSD now from living in fear of his next tantrum. Let me tell you, if he can control himself around other people, he can control it. He’s being abusive and throwing objects and acting agressive, walking on eggshells is domestic violence. You and your child do not deserve to live like this, in a war zone constantly worried about the next thing that will set him off. It gives him quite alot of power and control and he takes up top much space in the household. He does not care about you guys, he’s probably not capable without serious help.