I recently started online dating again. Matched with someone, chatted for a bit on Thursday afternoon, and I picked up the chat again Friday evening.
He said he ‘wasn’t sure if I had ghosted him’ and that he ‘hoped he didn’t scare me away’ in between some small talk about his day and I responded that I wasn’t sure if it’s really ghosting to respond after one day? Especially so early on? And asked if he had any expectations about texting. He responded no and that he thought he was being ghosted because ‘he saw that I opened his message but didn’t respond’. The timeframe was one day!
I wrote back that perhaps his expectation was that texts should be responded to when they are opened? In which case it is a bit too much for me especially so early on, but I could let him know when I’m stepping away from the phone (so that he doesn’t have to wait and guess). He then responded that he only said what he said because I asked, and that I was being aggressive. He said he doesn’t play petty games. I starting messaging to say hey slow down a minute but he blocked me.
Can someone please help me translate what I’m missing here? I’m feeling 90% like bullet dodged and 10% like there must be some kind of miscommunication. Need some validation or a reality check please because I’m in bed with covid brain. Honestly if this happened to my friend I would tell her to order pizza and enjoy her night and forget about the clown.
tldr Is hashing out communication styles and expectations aggressive and petty???
8 comments
Dude is insecure af. 100% bullet dodged if he’s that weirdly controlling about messaging already
Turn off your read notifications. There’s a difference between waiting a day or two to initiate a conversation, and opening a message but waiting a day to respond to it. I would be a bit peeved if I saw that someone had taken the time to read my message, but not to answer until the next day, and would feel like talking to me isn’t a priority for them. However his response was uncalled for and it wasn’t ghosting. But expecting to have your messages answered when the other person open them is pretty normal and common.
Well, I’ll play devils advocate.
When you feel somethings mutual or like someone then your obviously going to try to talk them as much as you can and maybe he felt that you intuitively were on the same level and expected the same level of response but then again you dont feel the same things as he does so you’re at a different standpoint then he is so you did really good by asking him what he wanted involving texting and all that.
The point when he assumes you’ve ghosted for over a day was probably because you didnt turn off your read notifications which you can do, id slightly just kindly apologize and say “hey, i had this and this happen yesterday and was pre-occupied, and didnt want to bring you into it”
you’ve made a good notion that you compromise already which was good but the fact that he got angry and blocked you shows that he dosent know when to excuse something and to be understanding.
So this guy woudlnt have been good, obviously id try to apologize using a explanation to where you didnt want to neglect them or involve them in your daily duties for the next person, you’ve shown a great set of compromise and negotiation skills so you’ve cut half down of what id have to say already.
I saw this a lot when online dating-an expectation that you be at their beck and call and respond immediately. I reached a point where I put something in my profile about not expecting instant responses from me because I have a life. Some guys still got pissy and I reminded them that I have a life and it doesn’t revolve around them or around online dating. If they still pushed I cut them off.
What you’ve encountered I’d someone who doesn’t understand boundaries, who is clingy and needy. He dud you a favor by showing this side of himself so early.
I will also play devil’s advocate here. I think that your general sense of expectations for messaging back and forth is totally fair, but it sounds like he wasn’t trying to disagree with you about that and you two were just having two different conversations. From his perspective, I could see it going down like:
Thursday afternoon: I make some joke or comment that I later realize might have been too much or too awkward. You, coincidentally, don’t respond after that and decide to continue the conversation later (totally fair!). So I think oh hey maybe she is indeed ghosting cuz of that joke. Oh well.
Friday evening: you reply, we start talking again, and I offhand mention that I was a little worried I’d make a comment that drove you away and you’d ghosted me, but I’m glad that’s not the case. This somehow becomes a very serious conversation about texting expectations even though I had no intention of setting any expectations in the first place and was just making conversation. Now I feel like this is too much.
Blocking you like that was probably excessive but I also don’t know the exact exchange so I’m not sure. I just could see a version where his side seems kinda reasonable.
>if it’s really ghosting to respond after one day?
When someone during a 24h timeframe somehow can’t find 1 minute to reply to a simple text message, I think it’s fair to call it ghosting. Especially when the message was already read.
>Especially so early on?
So, because you’re just getting to know each other common courtesy doesn’t apply?
Justified behavior on his part. If I see that someone is obviously not interested, I wouldn’t waste my time either.
he has issues, bullet dodged.
A lot of women I know intentionally wait a bit to message back because so many men absolutely lose their shit if you don’t instantly respond. It’s a good way to weed out people who feel entitled to your time and attention.
If you’re already experiencing conflict with someone when you haven’t even met yet, that’s a neon flag telling you to get away. Be your own friend and order yourself some pizza.