I (F33) have been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend (M33) for almost 9 months. We haven’t met in person yet, but will in (checks calendar…) 9 days. We talk constantly and have discussed things like religion, finances, kids, work, basic communication, as well as the fun stuff of what we like to do for hobbies etc. We click. We’re on the same page about everything and both feel ready to take the next step. He lives in the northern part of the country and I live in the southern part, so we’ve talked about me potentially moving to his state as I have a the sort of job that can be found anywhere (healthcare) and he has a really good job with excellent benefits that tbh neither of us want him to leave just yet. The potential move would be happening in the summer of 2023 as that’s when my current lease ends and I could have time to save up the moving costs. I have said that I would feel more comfortable not renewing my lease if I were already engaged, as I don’t have any family in the state I’d be moving to and I also don’t know anyone up there except for him and his family.
We’ve talked about getting engaged when I fly out to meet him next week, he already has a ring, but we’re also considering what our families have to say. All parental parties (my mom and dad (60s), his mom (50s) and grandmother (?)) have been advising us to wait until next spring at the earliest to get engaged. My mom in particular has made it very clear that she doesn’t believe in long engagements (over 6 months) and that she would be very unhappy if we were to wait to get married. She thinks that long engagements give too much time for overthinking, over-planning, and stressing. I on the other hand know that I would be stressed out if I \*don’t\* have enough time to plan, especially from out of state for a good chunk of the time, and it could cost more to do things in < 6 months than it might if we can plan farther out.
The problem in telling my parents this comes from the fact that they still view me as their little girl and go back and forth between treating me as approximately 13 years old and my actual age of 33. The last time I made a big decision that wasn’t something they agreed with ended up with us barely talking for almost 2 years. My mom is quite sensitive to being told that I’m a grown woman who can make my own choices and I’m not asking for her permission. I want to retain a good relationship with my parents, but I also really want to get engaged when we see each other next week. Any thoughts on what to say?
Also my BF and I are both Eastern Orthodox Christians, and my parents are Anglican/Presbyterian protestants, so church/religion is a big factor too.
7 comments
…..do you really think it’s a good idea to immediately get engaged to someone you literally haven’t even met in person yet? i think that is plenty reason to want a long engagement — you don’t know this person in person yet….
I don’t even think its about yhe length of the engagement. You’ve known him 9 months, haven’t met and he’s already planning to propose? That’s a pretty big leap given you may not actually stand each other in person.
Getting engaged to someone you have just met in person is a stupid idea.
I’m glad you plan on it being long because you don’t actually even know each other yet
Don’t get married to someone you’ve never met. You don’t actually know them.
Um. Maybe it’s the religious/cultural thing that is clouding your judgement but getting engaged to someone you’ve not met is a really bad idea.
Talking on the phone/video chatting is one thing. I have some very close friends whom I met online due to shared interests/hobbies and we talk a lot but some I’ve never met. I do understand that you can have intimate friendships just via phone.
But choosing to marry someone with only that? There is so much more to living with someone and marrying them that comes into play. Things like….do you like how the other person smells? Their scent, not cologne or perfume—because chemically, some people click and some don’t. I dated a guy I really liked but his natural odor (when clean) was a turn off. Do you like how the other person kisses? Are you compatible sexually? How do you each keep house? How do you handle conflicts with time or energy? How do you handle conflicts around other things? Are there any annoying habits that are dealbreakers? Can you sit together comfortably in silence? Do either of you snore or have habits when sleeping that disturb the other? Does he chew with his mouth closed? How does he treat waitstaff and other service people? How does he maintain his car? Do you feel comfortable if he drives or is a crazy road rager? Are either of you handy around the house? How will finances be handled?
I could go on and on and on.
As for the long engagement? Absolutely make it long. And in person—like please live together for a year before you get married and are legally tied to this person.
To heck with your parents on the engagement. I can’t even believe they’d be going along with any engagement. And he already has a ring? At 9 mos and never having met? It makes me think the whole lot of you have some really poor judgement and you two are love bombing each other.
If you were my (44F) little sister or cousin, I’d tell you to pump the brakes hard on this. Move to where he lives and get your own place, actually date each other for a year, and THEN think about moving in together and getting engaged.
This is a little off topic but if you have not physically been in the same room with this person, don’t be so dead set on getting engaged. Yes, I hear you about all the things you have in common. The physical still comes into it though. Just plan the visit in nine days without expectation.
You say your parents treat you like a 13 year old
Thinking you’re immediately going to get engaged to someone the first time you meet them is 13 year old thinking