crossposting because the only response I’ve gotten on the other subreddit so far is some guy asking for pics of my girlfriend. you can imagine that left a bad taste in my mouth.
we’ve been dating for a little under a year now. im not very sexually experienced, so when we started out, i was really nervous. we played around with some above-the-clothes stuff, giving hickeys and feeling each other up, and i didn’t have any problems feeling good from that. but the first time we went further than that, i got so uncomfortable while she was touching my parts that i ended up faking an orgasm and then begging off for the rest of the night. it’s hard to describe, but the thought of doing anything made me so anxious – in part because of newbie performance anxiety, sure, but in part for a reason i can’t place – that it took the fun clean out of it.
I’ve been trying to avoid sexual moments with her since. about a month after this happened, i fell into a pretty dark place in my life anyway, struggled with my mental health and some substance problems (weed, nothing hard), so i was tired all the time anyway. things came to a head at one point and i ended up talking with her about my mental health and the substance problems, and when she brought up intimacy during that conversation (fair – it had been months and seemingly the drugs were the cause, from her perspective), i sheepishly admitted i didnt feel comfortable with it. she asked me why i hadn’t told her, and if there was a reason — our relationship started out fairly sexual. i said it i didn’t know why, and that’s why i hadn’t told her, and that i wanted to see a therapist about it, which was mostly true.
i also just don’t know how to talk about this. it makes my stomach turn. it’s not that i dont love my girlfriend, but every time we get close to sex, i just get scared. not nervous-excited like i used to, just jumpy. and i don’t know why that is. *(and honestly, sometimes i think about it, and a lot of people have issues with sex, but they work through them because they want to be able to… i can’t figure out another way to say this: that seems like more trouble than it’s worth for me.)* because I’ve been jumping states so frequently (im an out of state college student and things have been very unstable), i haven’t been able to sit down with a therapist about this. im hoping ill be able to do that in the next few months, as im getting a longer-term lease for an apartment, which means I’ll actually have stable residency somewhere.
the real problem is my girlfriend is much more sexually regular than i am or ever was. it’s not something i blame her for! she has needs and wants as anyone’s does. it’s just uncomfortable for me, as sometimes she’ll make comments that i don’t know how to respond to. the inciting one for this thread was her texting me just now saying she wants to “make a baby.” i made a joke about building her one, and she said she didn’t care about *having* a baby, just *making one.* it would be incredibly endearing, if it didn’t make my brain enter flight mode.
TL;DR: every time my girlfriend and i get close to sex, i freak out. had a convo where i told her im uncomfortable with it and didn’t know why. every so often she makes comments about wanting to make babies with me (not a euphemism), and i never know how to respond. **how do i tell my girlfriend that i don’t want to have sex without hurting her feelings/our relationship?**
to be clear. i love and adore her. she’s the most gorgeous woman ive ever met, and she understands me, on many things, better than anyone. this problem with sex is something i haven’t figured out how to talk about with *anybody.* i find it incredibly embarrassing to discuss. but im aware it’s something i need to address one way or another, which is why i ask your advice.
11 comments
Maybe look into asexuality. It’s a whole spectrum.
And talking to a therapist would be beneficial if you feel the need to work through it. Hopefully you get that support.
You need to be clear and direct that you need both sexual activity and sexy discussions put on hold until after you can work through this a bit with a therapist. Either she agree s and complies or you two break up. But she needs to know clearly that this is an important boundary you need right now, and that it includes both activity and sexy flirting.
I know it’s hard but it’s something that you’ll need to have a conversation about. And no matter how well you word it, there is a chance that feelings will be hurt anyway. Feelings are difficult like that. I’d say tell her what you’ve said here. Or write out what you want to say before you sit her down to have a conversation about it, if that’ll help you get your thoughts together. But it is important that you have this conversation.
It’s hard to be in a relationship and not want sex, I know that. Hopefully she’s understanding and willing to work with you while you figure out what exactly your comfortable with and what you aren’t.
Don‘t wait until she tries to initiate sex to talk about this. Sit down with her and talk about your feelings and fears. If you don‘t feel comfortable opening up to her like this I don‘t think this relationship is working.
You should try to figure out where your anxiety comes from. Therapy would indeed be a good idea.
So let me start by saying that you are not obliged to have sex in anyway if you don’t want to. At the same time, the way you describedthe issue sounded a lot to me that you would only be postponing the problem instead of dealing with it in any meaningful way. At the same time, while your GF is not entitled to have sex, she is entitled to want to have sex and if you don’t, than it might be that you are just incompatible right now.
My advice to you is to be open to her about how you are feeling and start from there . Maybe try to take it slow with sexy times, start with milder activities, where you make her the focus on her (touching, oral and so on), asking her how whatever you are doing feels and so on.
Best of luck.
Leave her before you ruin her self esteem and life. You guys might be better off as friends.
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Y’all aren’t sexually compatible. Nothing wrong with being asexual but you have to find a partner that matches up with that
I know this is a confusing and hard situation, but you can’t just ignore it hoping she will just accept this.
And I know it’s hard to hear, but this is a reason for a break up. Because sex is uninteresting for you, it’s not a hole you are missing- but it is a biological need for her, like eating, and simply cruel to keep avoiding it.
But I am also going to be honest and say there maybe repressed trauma- you sharing that you going through depressive states tells me your body is trying to communicate something to you. You for sure need a therapist. If you think this could be true, communicate this and ask her if she is willing to wait and explore.
But please, don’t lie just because you love her. It’s totally unfair.
sounds like it won’t really work out. sexual compatibility is really important in relationships. she’s probably going to end up feeling insecure regardless of what you say.
This post has gotten way more attention than I thought it would. i’m still struggling with this as to be expected, but i appreciate all the feedback i’ve gotten. it’s amazing how good it feels to even speak with people online through this post about how i’ve been feeling. still terrifying. but it’ll be worth it.
Please feel free to keep leaving your thoughts and advice if you have any. I’ll take whatever i can get. I just wanted to leave a blanket thank-you to everyone who’s been willing to talk about it.