(F19)
I just moved in to a college apartment in a new city so I don’t know anyone, I live there with 7 roommates (almost all have different majors so nothing really in common), all girls ages 18-21.
i started to talk to one girl but the other 6 girls really connected without us and kind of left us behind.
they became a big group who always goes out, to cafes, bars, share fun experiences and laugh together. i always dreamt about having a friend group like this, that’s why I moved to a new city to start over and make new friends because I don’t have any in my hometown, I really want to be part of their group, but I don’t know how.
they all smoke except of me so sometimes they all go smoke together and they talk about it a lot so I’m being left behind, when I enter to the apartment they already sit together and talk about something so it’s too awkward to just enter the conversation. or when they enter the apartment they go straight to their friends and tell them some new experiences, then when I try to ask something to enter the conversation they just answer shortly and keep talking to their friends. what can you do in this situation to stop being left behind?
not only that but they all have social lives, love lives, friends they can bring over, interesting stories to tell. which I don’t have and makes me feel inferior.
9 comments
Join them when they smoke. I don’t mean actually smoke but sit with them and chat while they smoke.
Yeah you gotta sit in the circle and goof off with them even if you don’t smoke! It shows you’re down with having fun you just don’t like partaking in this fun but you still want to be around the fun
Oh my god you’re in the same situation as my future me. I’ll move to another city next year to a university apartment with roommates and it’d be very helpful if you answered to some questions of mine, could I text you? I basically want to ask about your options about the roommates (if you choose them) and if you are nervous that you are alone in another city and stuff because I probably won’t be able to live alone because of my anxiety. Also about your roommates, I think that time fixes everything, wait to get to know them a bit more and then they will invite you on their own
I sincerely hope I’m being pessimistic here, but 8 people in one area seems like a nightmare.
Having been in similar situations I’d bet **everyone** is super uncomfortable by that amount of proximity and is just coping in the best way they know how. I’m not a city person, nor am I a woman, so maybe I’m just ignorant in this aspect, but growing up I could barely cope with 5 family members in the same living area, so I don’t see how anyone could share a living area with 8 strangers comfortably.
Maybe I’m totally misreading your situation, but my strategy would be just to be chill, don’t bad mouth anyone, and just be pleasant and unobtrusive to everyone else as much as you can. I’m not saying your living situation will be a living hell in a few weeks for everyone, but it doesn’t seem sustainable beyond 6 months or so.
Don’t chase them outside to be cool with your cigarettes. Be a nice chill oasis for everyone else once they get overwhelmed.
Instead of hoping they will just invite you (which I really get), maybe you will have to make the big first step. Ask them if one night they would be down to cook together (or suggest to cook for all of you, whatever you think would work better) and play board games, or pick out a bar or an event and ask them if they’d join you. Good luck!
Have you asked them out. To a fun thing you like to do.
Smoke with them just ask to join in. Gonna guess they don’t have a common interest besides drugs keeping them together because I’ve met many of these kinds of people during college. Not that it’s bad but they just have 1 thing they really enjoy together and everything else is tangential.
Don’t try to be interesting. Be interested. Ask great questions. Genuinely listen.
It’s so rare these days. You’ll stand out immensely doing that.
My personal advice would be dont always try to fit in. I only say that because they smoke and you don’t. You’re only 19 you will get a friend group in time, just be patient. You want a friend group with your same values, but keep your good manners