Backstory: I (27F) have been with my husband(26M) for close to 5 years, married over 3 years. I was raised with a lot of emotional/verbal abuse and much of it stems from a limb disability I received at birth. He was raised in a “happy, loving” home so he has a stronger connection to his family (especially to his mom) than I do with my own family. From the moment we married, his mom started coming in between us. Basically she would demand that he come visit her at least 2-3 times a year and he would oblige. She would manipulate him into changing plans by crying about how she doesn’t get her baby boy anymore.
He focuses his vacation around his family, never asking me if I want to go somewhere new. Even when we’re with them, we never have a moment alone to make our own memories or explore. In the 3.5 years we’ve been married, he’s visited his parents a good 7-8 times, ranging from 1 to 2 weeks. I’ve never had an issue with him going, but I notice that his mom will post a bunch of family members in her FB posts and neglect to tag/mention me. I know if I did the same to her she would throw a fit. I’ve gone on 3 of those trips and didn’t go on the rest because:
A: I was packing for our move to a new state
B: I started a new job/got a promotion
C: I simply wasn’t told/invited
He ended up going for a week to visit his family for his brother’s graduation this summer (alone again as I just received a promotion). Once he returned, he told our friends that he’s going to Disney World with his family for 10 days in August. He had not discussed this with me, so I learned at the same time as our friends. The kicker is that I won free airfare from my job that I had to use asap, but he claimed a trip was too expensive for us to take. HUH?! You are visiting your family 3 times in one year and suddenly we can’t afford a small weekend trip?! It showed me that I will always be the lowest priority in his life.
The week before he’s supposed to leave, he ends up telling me the trip is actually 13 days instead of 10. I’m upset at not knowing the correct length of time he’ll be gone, especially since I’m his wife. But I try to forgive him and end up realizing that I am just not prioritized. During his trip, we have a couple of discussions regarding our marriage and he talks to his family about this. They basically tell him that I need to get over it and move on. His mom loves to post on FB about her family and tags people who didn’t attend the trip, but doesn’t mention me. Once he returns, his family continues to tell him that it seems as though I don’t want the marriage to work because I’m-still defensive about coming last in his life. It really feels as though they are making excuses for him and making him look like a victim even though I have suffered for over 3 years because I’m not a priority.
I also caught him saving a bunch of videos titled “Hookup tips for Japanese women”. I am not Japanese. When I confronted him, he tried blaming his younger brother and couldn’t take responsibility. I tried getting over it but then I found more videos describing how to hookup with Asian women (again, I’m not Asian). He profusely apologizes and I sort of accepted this but my guard is still up. I have to mention that he did this while I went home for 2 days to bury my grandpa.
I’m not asking him to stop communicating with his family. I’m just asking to be prioritized more and be defended as he chose to marry me. My sister thinks im stupid for staying and his family makes him out to be a victim, so I’m just lost all around.