What is the draw of strip clubs during boys holidays and stag do’s when the men going are mostly married/engaged/in a relationship?
My boyfriend is on a stag do somewhere that is infamous for strip clubs…and strip clubs that don’t stick to the rules, if you get my drift. He said he had no interest in strippers but would get a private dance if they went because everyone else would be and he didn’t want to be the only one. I told him I was uncomfortable with a naked woman rubbing herself on him but had no problem with him going to the strip club, just the private dance part. Especially because clubs in this location are known to do more than just dance in private.
His response was that he only ever spent £200 in a strip club even when he was single and never went further than a dance. This didn’t make me feel any better. I’m still uncomfortable with it but I told him if he got a dance I’d rather know than not and know how far it went.
So I guess as well as my above question I have these questions
What does £200 even get you at a strip club?
Why do you want a strange woman to rub their genitals all over you?
Why would you go ahead even when you know your partner is uncomfortable with it?
He’s already told me one of the men on the stag do has cheated and been caught and his girlfriend knows. Which begs another question. Why do men cheat on stag dos when they wouldn’t at home?
And girls, am I being mental or do other girls feel this way to? I just don’t understand it.
I’m really interested in mens thoughts on this, especially if you’ve done it. What’s the attraction?
TLDR: Boyfriend is on a stag in a well known location for strip clubs and strip clubs that do more than strip. I told him he I was uncomfortable with him getting a private dance but he said he was going to because he didn’t want to be the only one not getting one. I want to know what the thinking behind this is? What’s the draw to private dances?
14 comments
Why do you think you have to be OK with it?
There is nothing OK about any of this.
Two possibilities:
1. He is allowing his weakness, his inability to resist peer-pressure, to make him spend money on something he says he doesn’t want, that will make you unhappy. So why date someone so weak and so inconsiderate and so stupid?
2. He loves it. So why date someone who treats women as commodities and basically cheats on you?
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To answer your actual question, why do some men do this, it’s because those men are sexist garbage. And that’s the kind of friends he has. So that’s the kind of person he really is.
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TLDR Your feelings of disgust are valid. He is disgusting. So value yourself and dump some sense into him.
Oh, and FYI, yes I am a heterosexual male.
You’re perfectly valid in how you feel, I’m just not sure why you’re forcing yourself to be okay with something you’re uncomfortable with and why you’re giving him the green light to do shit you know will make you feel bad. This will create an issue with trust and communication and it will lead to resentment. If you’re not okay with this, and understandably so, you’re not okay with this and he should care about you enough to respect that and not do it. If a lap dance from a naked stranger is more important to him that his own gf’s feelings, I’m really not sure what’s the point of your relationship.
Hi. I’m female but I’m gay and I go to the strip club when I’m lonely. You still get sexual pleasure out of a dance. Quite literally. They rub and dance on your genitals and it physically feels good. It’s not just a dance. Don’t let him fool you. It’s a lower-level form of prostitution.
Personally, I wouldn’t date someone who was into strip clubs or who would get a private dance just because others were getting one. I find it a lot easier to not date people who do things I’m uncomfortable with than to date those people and try to negotiate boundaries.
Like, the answer to “why would a man want a random woman to rub her genitals on him” is “because he thinks it’s hot.” That’s why men go to strip clubs. You don’t have to be comfortable with that, but your BF also doesn’t have to be bothered or repulsed by or disinterested in strip clubs. You two may just be at an impasse, especially if he isn’t willing to stick to any boundaries because he wants to impress his friends or whatever.
I assume that men who cheat at strip clubs but not in other settings do that because it’s easier to cheat at a strip club than it is to find someone to cheat with elsewhere. I’d guess those men are opportunists who are fine with cheating overall.
Your feelings are valid and should be considered seriously by your partner, whatever they are.
The simplest answers to your questions are “because they like naked women” and it’s not much more complicated than that. If they are comfortable paying for naked women rubbing on them, it’s probably not just for a stag night.
There are all kinds of peer preasure, but once your an adult, you’re kind of responsible for your reactions to it. If his friends want him to join them, and THEY don’t respect HIS boundaries, they are going to try to get him into a lot of trouble, and he is going to let them. If he isn’t putting up much resistance in the first place, than his desire to not “be the only one” is just a way to avoid saying “because I want to” which would get him into a lot more immediate discomfort.
Depending on the person £200 can get a lot or not a lot.
I don’t want to throw this guy COMPLETELY under the bus yet though. Have you fully articulated your feelings about this? And has he stated he intends to go anyway? If so, you’re free to make a bigger deal about it. You aren’t being a pest or a problem by saying this is fucked up. You’re drawing boundaries and making them clear. You can’t control his behaviour, but you can decide what is and isn’t acceptable for you. Telling your partner how you feel is the basis of any relationship. Don’t be afraid to say how his ignoring you makes you feel too.
You don’t, basically. I was taken to a strip club once many years ago. I was not in a relationship at the time. I was completely creeped out by the place. I am not a prude by any means, but the behaviors I witnessed, and the overall energy of the place disgusted me. All they got from me was the price of a beer. Going to a strip club (or the female oriented equivalent if such a thing exists) would be a deal breaker for me. I am a straight male BTW. I will never understand the appeal. “Dances” are lap dancers. They are sexual in nature and, to me, are similar to prostitution, just not “all the way.”
It’s cheating it’s wrong it’s not good. We’ve been pressured in to accepting all of this including porn. What a great outlet for men that we can’t have. It’s wrong. It’s for single people
>He said he had no interest in strippers but would get a private dance if they went because everyone else would be and he didn’t want to be the only one.
So….. if everyone was getting a happy ending with their dance would he also get a happy ending? Because everyone else is?
What a weak minded and bullshit excuse.
its completely fine to be not fine with this. Your partner is a grown man, if he truly doesnt want to go there he can just meet his friends afterwards or before. It isnt a big deal and he should be grown enough to stand his ground. In my opinion, I would suggest trying to talk to him why he feels pressured to go. There is no shame in staying away and standing your ground.
My boyfriend was also invited to a bach party and he declined to go because he was uncomfortable with the idea of a stripper performing where they would have gone, and I was also not on board with it. We talked about and he declined the invite all together. He got a bit of heat for it, but he stood his ground and explained that he wasnt comfortable being exposed to that. It was such a non-issue on the day of the wedding.
Hence, I would try to talk to your partner why he gives in to the pressure when neither of you are comfortable with the idea.
So it is not a regular thing? That might be really bothering. The ‘bad’ thing is, you OKd it. If you feel uncomfortable with this, stick to it. It is a reasonable boundary to have.
Now, I would occasionally go to a strip club when one group of my friends would be in my town in the past. Even while in a relationship. But every time I was clear about going there and my gfs were generally fine with it. One wasn’t. So I told my friends, who knew I hadn’t problem going there before, that I would not go with them. They tried to make fun of me for it and so on, but I told them I promised I wouldn’t go and I intend to fulfill that promise. No big deal. But that gf made it clear to me she would not be comfortable. That was the key there.
As a guy, I got to the strip clubs that are on the ‘cleaner’ side, where there is no touching, only looking – no sex in the champagne room types.
A bit of titillation over a beer, I do draw the line at eating at one. If a girl gives you attention in there, it’s only for the dollars.
Lap dances only when I am really drunk, and I honestly don’t remember my stag night in one.
Honestly, if guys went clubbing, the only reason is still to check out and grind up with girls inside, who may be looking for ONS or similar. Then you get additional drama of other friends having beef with other patrons over the attention of some lady…
I find those situations far messier to deal with.
I can understand if your guy is very close to his friends that he has peer pressure to go the strip club. From experience (15 years ago) In the U.K. the strippers are professional and there won’t be an option for him to cheat, exchange numbers etc. Maximum he can get is a private dance with no touching.
If I had a gf I wouldn’t go to a strip club. I’d tell the guys straight that I’ll go drinking, but I’ll end the night before they go there and then accept the banter after that.
I think you just have be upfront with your guy. Tell him your uncomfortable and why. If you can trust him that he’ll only go and see a dance and you can accept it, as a one off thing then maybe that could work. If it’s a deal breaker for you then set the boundary now and be prepared to walk.
£200 will probably get you some drinks and a private dance. It won’t go far.
You don’t need to be OK with this. I certainly wouldn’t be. Getting a private lap dance because you don’t want to be the odd one out is pathetic, he’s 30! He cares more about what his friends think than respecting the integrity of your relationship.
Strip clubs are disrespectful while I’m a relationship. Private rooms are CHEATING!’ Strippers have no shame.