Throwaway because my friends know my main acc. So I met my bf 3 years ago when he was going through a hard time. We’ve been together since and we’re raising a kid ( E) together. I’m not her biological mother, she’s his late sister’s daughter but I really love her and she feels like my own child now. So , we’ve been good, we’ve gone through tough times but he never gave up, I know I can trust him, he’s respectful, thoughtful and we hang out well.
Recently an old ” friend” of his returned back in town and came home to visit, I’ll call him T. My bf said after he left, that they used to be friends and then boyfriends. I was a bit shocked cause I didn’t know he is bi, but he said he doesn’t think of it as a big deal and we never talked about exes, so he didn’t bring it up. He also assured me if I have a problem with them hanging out, he will cut contact. I know the times they’ve been around each other so far is in a group of friends, they used to be all friends in uni. T seemed nice, he was friendly with me and my bf was affectionate with me when he was around.
I wanted more details about their past relationship and asked my bf, he was open about it. He said he and T were dating for 5 years, after being friends for 1. Then T got depressed and broke up with him for a while, but soon after my bf’s sister fell sick and T wasn’t there to support him. He said grieving his sister and caring for E was the hardest thing he’s ever had to go through and he couldn’t care about T at that time, and he was hurt T wasn’t around. But now he has no hard feelings anymore, and they’ve made up but their relationship belongs to the past.
I honestly don’t know how to feel about all this. He’s being super honest with me but I’m kinda jealous and worried. They seemed close, like they know each other well and there’s a familiarity between them that one has only with close people. Plus that dude’s looks are too fine. And his personality seemed genuine and kind.
I’m not worried my bf may actively cheat on me, but I’m worried about his feelings if they keep being around each other. My boyfriend has expressed many times how lucky he feels we have each other and how grateful he is for meeting me. Nothing seems to have changed.I can feel his love in everyday life, in his ways of treating me, they way we make love, his plans for the future with me and E as a family
Anyway, that’s all. Should I just let it be and keep an eye on them, or should I set some boundaries on their interactions and tell my bf it’s been bugging me ? It’s not on my mind all day but I think about it often. I feel kind of numb and confused.
TL;DR: My boyfriend is hanging out again with his ex bf. He said he can cut him off if I want him to, and he has been honest about their past. Nothing has changed, I can feel his love but I’m still worried.
4 comments
I would feel jealous too. If his ex was a woman would you want him to cut her off?
So one thing worth thinking about is that the standards among 20-something queer people for “being friends with your exes” are very different from the standards among 20-something straight people. It’s culturally very normal for them. (With good reason – there are simply not enough of them, and in many communities the kind of behavior we see among 20-something straight people would mean that it was just too hard to have friends).
Gay people are better about compartmentalizing “our relationship used to be X, but now it’s Y” because they have to be.
Also worth pointing out that in general 30-something and 40-something straight people are much chiller about this. When you’re in your early 20s, often there’s a lot of salted earth around any of your exes. When you’re in your 30s or 40s, most people (who aren’t still married to someone they dated in their 20s) have some exes (of varying degrees of significance) with whom they are now friends. Maybe there’s an ex-spouse you’re on good terms with who you spend time with in coparenting situations, maybe it’s someone you dated and really hit it off but you just didn’t work as a couple but took a little time off and they were able to reconnect as friends because you really do enjoy each other’s company but good god you do not want to go back there, etc.
Which is to say, despite the fact that he’s offering, I think asking him to cut this guy out is not likely to serve either you or your boyfriend well. It sounds like your anxiety is all about the stories you’re telling yourself in your head – there doesn’t seem to be anything in the behavior of either guy which is problematic. So do spend some time with the stories you’re telling yourself, the meaning you’re putting on your friendship, and the way it sounds like you’re jumping at things in shadows. The more you can specifically identify your fears, the more you can gently ask for specific and minimal accommodations that address your fears while allowing him to have a valuable friendship.
I wouldn’t worry. This dude abandoned your boyfriend at his most vulnerable and you are helping him raise his niece. He knows you’re the keeper.
It sounds like they’re just friends and I doubt your bf has forgotten how he was abandoned in his time of need.
Honestly just to talk to your bf, he’d probably be upset that you’re worried and will want to alleviate any concerns. If you can’t be honest with him what’s the point.
Though also, just because you didn’t talk about exes isn’t a reason not to bring up his sexuality!
Best wishes