So we decided to have a role play, kinda like BDSM in which if she couldn’t do what I say to her, I’ll spank her ass with a belt.
I told her to suck my cock and my balls all the way in, and she couldn’t do it, so she was supposed to get a punishment, we defined a safe word and It was my first name, so if she couldn’t tolerate what was happening she would just say my name.
So I started to hit her ass with my belt, and at first, she kinda liked it, I was supposed to hit her 8 times, I love her very much, so I checked to see if she is doing well, I saw that she is crying and she told me with a crying voice that it hurts, and I immediately stopped, and hugged her and she just cried for 5 or 6 minutes in my arms, and then I took her to the bathroom.
We slept and she was hugging me very hard, and she was very different than usual, and its a bit strange for me, in the morning she did what she does every day, prepared breakfast, woke me up, we had breakfast and everything was normal and she hadn’t talked about last night at all.
Should I talk to her about last night?
She didn’t even say our safe word and it’s a bit confusing for me, especially the fact that she was hugging me very hard and crying in my arms.
Edit: So we had a conversation, and she told me about our roleplay, She said that she was shocked to see me being aggressive towards her, she wants me to spank her with my hand and nothing else, and she told me to stop the sex play for a week and asked me for very romantic sex for this week and I agreed to what she said.
She became very cuddlish, and she wants to spend more time with me, and I accepted.
Right now she was lying in my arms watching a podcast on the tv, and she fell asleep so I thought it’s a good time to update you guys
50 comments
YES! YES YOU SHOULD TALK TO HER!
No judgement here about BDSM engagement I’m a sub and I love it, but, you’ve done just about *everything* wrong and clearly hurt her. So some notes.
Seriously dude, design systems that are functional and use toys designed for sex.
First up: your name should not be the safe word. Pick something neutral. She can’t say your name unless she wants to quit? that’s emotionally fucking difficult, when you are hurting her too much she might not be comfortable using the safe word because it’s the name of the person hurting her. The safe word should be safe not an extension of BDSM, clue is in the name.
Second up: belts are fucking hard. There are people who have subbed for years who would struggle to take 8 lashes on the same spot with a belt. Who designed that system? BDSM should go at the subs pace, start with paddles and smaller floggers, belts can cause real injuries!! You guys are so young that I struggle to believe you worked up from entry level commercial BDSM toys, you go harder as you build confidence in each other’s BDSM ability. This can’t have been what happened here.
You guys are 18 and you are designing systems with emotional damage baked in and using non-sex toy implements on her.
Seriously have a long chat together about everything and rebuild your systems and activities from the bottom up using implements designed for sex and with safe words that don’t remove emotionally critical words from fair usage and don’t create barriers to usage. She might not have been comfortable saying the safe word because it was sooo loaded a word. Jesus. This is how you really hurt people and not in a fun way. Like it or not, you’re the dom, you’re responsible for her well-being not just your pleasure. You fucked up.
Crying during scenes happens. Sometimes it’s ok sometimes it’s not. It’s good that you were checking in but belts fucking suck. I would recommend getting a crop or a flogger instead. Safe words can be hard especially for newbies, choose a safe word different from your first name and don’t hold it against her if she freezes up and doesn’t use it. My master still checks in with me all the time during scenes and I’ve safeworded out dozens of times in our relationship. He also knows when He should stop in spite of my silence. It’s an important lesson to learn so that no one gets injured. Be safe and have fun.
43F Submissive/switch here living with a great Dom.
A lot of people REALLY want to make their partner happy, even when they themselves aren’t enjoying the act. I’m one of them. I’d be devastated to fail in doing a sexual act and then be punished for it. Do not ever punish a person for sexual “failure’ unless they agree to that before the scene.
Do some non-punishment BDSM, sure, but start with SENSUAL stuff, light light light impact. The ENTIRE TIME, asking how it feels/if that’s okay. Praise her the whole time (you are so gorgeous, I love when you do it like that, I love you so much, etc). If you move to heavier impact, ask every time, “do you want me to go a little harder” and then, “how was that”? Get some lighter impact toys (riding crop is good, floggers are good) test them on YOURSELF. Pain should be fun (and continuously consented to) for the sub. If you’re doing “a scene”, always agree to what it’s about beforehand. And always debrief afterwards. Me and my Dom use the military model (I identify 3 things to sustain, 3 things to improve).
Explore your kinks together verbally outside sexual scenarios. The crucial thing to kink is communication.
Ask her some questions about her experience. My speculation and suggestions: She probably feels like she failed you by not being able to give you what you wanted. If she was in too much pain, it’s probably confusing to her that you would actually hurt her. Tell her you love her and that she is more than good enough for you, you gave her an impossible task, and you realize in retrospect you should not have done that. You thought it was a fun idea, but see where you went wrong and you’re really sorry. And you’re sorry you hurt her.
8 hits with a belt is so excessive. You’ve gone from zero to 100 in one leap there. You need to establish pain thresholds slowly and carefully.
Bro, if someone did that to you, you would cry.
It’s a fucking belt bro. My coach would hit me with the belt if I wasn’t training well, for your understanding I’m a kickboxer and a hit with a belt made me cry.
You have to go very slow and very cautiously when just starting with BDSM or any type of kink like that. People have this fantasy and they don’t really know where they want to go with it at first. Reality can be very different, and you don’t know that until it happens. It can get out of hand very quickly.
Your first name is not a good safe word. People will say that for all kinds of reasons. Or they won’t say it. It has to be something completely clear and unmistakable. With experience, realize that a submissive often won’t use a safe word until things have really gone too far anyway, so you always have to be attentive. If you guys even try this again, go slow. Start very lightly and check after each one if you do something like this until you both have more experience with it.
Yes please talk about it. Aftercare can last for days depending on how rough a scene is. Even if you don’t think it was rough she did and it was probably very emotionally hard on her. Maybe she felt bad because she was being punished for not being able to do something she knew she couldn’t do. Maybe she is someone who thought she would like spanking and didn’t. If she still seems interested maybe try out different types of pain to see which ones she is ok with (PLEASE DO RESEARCH BEFORE DOING ANYTHING). so like have a nonsexual scene where you can try playing with different sensations, DO IT SLOWLY its just to explore. I’d say wait a while until you try anything new though, please give her at least a month to do basic research. It would be best if you guys tried out bdsm classes and stuff if you guys really want to get into bdsm but if you just want to experience slight bedroom bdsm than researching on the internet can be ok. Please just make sure to go on reliable sources (ex: don’t watch or read 50 shades as reference, 50 shades is a bad representation of bdsm). Honestly this is a hard subject for me to help you with but all I can say is make sure she is ok, try formal aftercare, research a lot, if she still wants to try bdsm try looking for different types of pain or punishment (ex: some people don’t like the pain for being spanked, sometimes the prefer being shocked, feeling restricted, being degraded, being told to do chores, etc for punishment).
sorry if it seems like I’m talking a whole lot about nothing but it is early in the morning and if you have questions just ask and I will try to clarify.
8 times with a belt? How did you even come up with that? That’s horrible!
Look up “subdrop”
OP you already got some great advice and you should definitely talk to her, but by reading your comments and seeing your general attitude towards sex, you don’t seem to be ready or mature enough to be doing this. You can’t be embarrassed about aspects of it or unwilling to learn certain things in depth in order to be safe. I think you two need to take a step back, figure out boundaries and limits, and communicate what you’re into at the basic level before incorporating things like corporal punishment.
I agree with everything said in the comments above and maybe I missed it but, the safe word is there to be used for both partners peace of mind. She needs to use it if she’s in pain or not enjoying the act to let you know to stop, I imagine you didn’t want to hurt her and seeing her cry woulda broken me and I would be very confused as to why the safe word was not used and it can make you feel very very shitty even tho you didn’t know she was in pain. There is a reason for the safe word, a very real reason. Use it
I’m fucking dying at the first sentence “I’ll spank her ass with a belt”
Well, let her punish you too…for something you fail on…
Its a nice way for both of you understand the others perspective.
You did a LOT of things wrong.
For starters, BDSM (which is what you tried, and failed, to do) isn’t casual sex activity. It’s very in-depth and requires a lot of sexual education and MATURITY. You’re clearly not mature enough for BDSM if you can’t even find it in you to do the proper research or buy a toy. And you not doing the proper research is where the lack of education comes in.
You can’t just pick your name for a safe word. It’s too personal and too involved in your everyday life. A safe word needs to be something completely separate of that. It’s no wonder she didn’t say the safe word, it wasn’t safe at all. And she couldn’t have felt comfortable saying your name in the moment while you were causing her pain during intimacy.
Also, starting with a belt was an absolutely terrible idea. That’s going to hurt a lot more than your hand, and you really should ONLY start with your hand. One, because it’s less painful, and two, because you can control how hard you hit her.
You demanded that she do certain acts and then punished her for not being able to do them. You can’t just demand sex acts without regard for the other person.
Punishment is supposed to be agreed upon by the sub, and the sub is meant to enjoy it. You never mentioned a discussion, only that you decided she needed it, and she clearly didn’t enjoy it.
Did you even apologize to her? Check in? Give her proper aftercare?
What you did isn’t dominance, it’s abuse. Abuse stemming from ignorance is still abuse. You have a LOT you need to work on before you EVER do this again. Do not even consider BDSM until you can look back on this moment and see everything you did wrong for yourself.
ETA: You also shouldn’t be participating in BDSM if you can’t even communicate with your partner about sex. So work on that, too.
Sounds like she was trying to please you too hard..I bet she really loves you and thought you were really into it and didn’t wanna ruin things for you… Just draw her a bath and make love to her …try the bdsm talk again at a later date ..she might like it to a certain level..y’all just gotta communicate
This isn’t *kinda like* BDSM, this is BDSM.
If this is the first time you’re trying something like this, she probably realized that she doesn’t actually enjoy it. It’s common to start with lighter forms of BDSM before progressing to more rough ones. Multiple hits with the belt (I have no idea how hard you were hitting her, maybe you don’t even know her pain tolerance, it could have hurt a lot) seem too much too fast. Have you every hit someone with the belt before? If OP isn’t physically abusive, he probably never hit a woman before and has no clue how much it hurts.
Also safe word is supposed to be something you wouldn’t normally say, not your first name. The way you planned it, she wouldn’t be able to call you by your name without stopping the session.
>especially the fact that she was hugging me very hard and crying in my arms.
Unrelated to this negative experience, she might need a lot of aftercare anyway, hugging and crying isn’t that unusual after intense sessions.
BDSM is like the extreme sports version of sex, extreme emotions aren’t odd, after all you’re hitting her with the belt to cause pain. Not everyone is into this kind of stuff and not everyone has a high pain threshold, you need to be careful not to go to far. Some pain is probably fun for a lot of people, a lot of pain is rarely enjoyable.
dude ya’ll only 18, maybe save crazy bdsm shit till ur older?
Sometimes the moment someone becomes overwhelmed is so sudden and clear that they don’t even have time to anticipate it and safeword first to avoid it. (I.e. sometimes especially in the heat of sex you can only know your own limitations by crossing them). This is a sign in the future to be a bit more gentle in terms of physical pain for her because she seems to have a fairly early point it becomes a turnoff. Starting with your hand or a paddle and not a belt (one of the most painful things) is a good move to try working your way up more slowly and not pushing her boundaries quite as hard in this specific area.
If you guys have a safeword and your making sure she’s 150% onboard and not just doing stuff because she thinks you want her to then you’ve done your due dilligence and should continue communicating and trying to find the right activities/intensities for both of you.
Definitely don’t talk to her about it. Whatever’s on your or potentially her mind about what happened, best to bottle it up and never let it out. Communication kills most relationships, only the ones where everyone hides their feelings and insecurities ever go the distance. Godspeed, good sir!
She’s still so young why would you do something like that to her omg. 8 times with a belt that’s extreme
Submission and impact play can be very intense. She might have just been overwhelmed. Sometimes people *want* to be overwhelmed, and for them that’s the point of the kink. Just because she didn’t use the safeword doesn’t mean that she wasn’t struggling, but maybe she likes struggling. You need to have an honest conversation with her about whether she liked it or not, and what she hopes to get out of scenes like that. I’d also recommend that you clarify the boundaries surrounding the safeword vs. just saying “it hurts.” For some people, they enjoy the fact that it hurts, or they enjoy the fact that you might not stop even if they say “stop.” However, it needs to be clear ahead of time that even if that’s the direction that you’re taking, the safeword remains uncompromised, and both of you can trust that the safeword means full stop, no exceptions. You might also establish expectations for cues for you to take it easier on her, even if you don’t come to an immediate stop. Some people like a “yellow light” signal, such as a different word, or just slowing down when she tells you it hurts. That both helps guide the intensity, and might make her a little less shy of the safeword. On a personal note, I might recommend a different safeword, just so she doesn’t say it by accident (plus moaning people’s names is exciting).
You’ve done a good job of being present to support her during aftercare, but once she settles down I’d recommend a little more communication. What she liked, what she didn’t like, what the two of you could do differently next time.
One final note: being in the dominant position can be stressful for you too. She might be struggling to take it, but you might also be struggling to give it. Don’t forget that it’s supposed to be good for you too. If you don’t like the feeling that it gives you, you don’t have to keep going. Make sure you’re also being honest with her and yourself about your own feelings.
Definitely talk to her, you don’t want her to build a resentment towards you. Take the bdsm aspect slow, you’re both young, you don’t want to overdue it before you’re both completely comfortable with each other I’m that kind of dynamic. Rushing that can be damaging to your relationship emotionally and physically.
I feel like the comments are being a *little* rough on you, but you were rough on her ass, so it’s ok.
I agree with a lot of the points, but I also wanted to just point out that as a sub, I find crying during scenes cathartic. How easily does she cry normally? I personally hate it when people make assumptions about how upset I am just because there are tears, and now I make sure to talk about that with doms ahead of time, so they’re aware that I’m going to cry, and that doesn’t mean stop.
Google “subdrop” – this is a fairly common reaction to a lot of roleplay. What she really needed was aftercare. I’m able to communicate which things will trigger me more and that I’ll need aftercare with, but you guys are new at this, so she probably doesn’t know. If I’m doing an emotional kind of scene where the set up is some kind of punishment for not doing something good enough, I absolutely am going to be crying, because I’m a GOOD girl. Afterwards, what I need more than anything is to be assured that I am definitely 100% a very very good girl and I do sooooo many things good and I’m not a failure, etc. Just reverse uno all the shit that you just said to her and make sure that she’s feeling super loved and baby her and coddle her a bit.
Of course, read up on aftercare, because some subs want different things, like to just be left alone and not touched, or to have blankets and soft things, or to watch a comedy. The only way to find this stuff out is to communicate. Mistakes happen, you guys are young and new and there are best practices, and definitely some things that you should read up on, but sometimes you think you’re crying about not sucking dick good enough, but you’re actually crying about your daddy leaving you when you were a kid, and scenes just go south, esp. when you’re new to figuring out limits and communication. Definitely do some experimenting with pain tolerances outside of a sexual/emotionally charged space. Start with spanking, sensory deprivation, some of the more “sensual” type of bdsm things. And tell her that she’s a good little cocksucker.
Definitely talk to her. In the future, whenever you first start incorporating anything new, do a test run in a non-sexual setting to see how it feels for her to interact with it and if there is a level you need to stop at. I am teaching my partner how to use a variety of tools (flogger, crop, paddle, switch etc.) and the planned interaction and teaching moment before you use it on your partner in play is really important and makes a huge difference for both partners.
You’ve already had great advice but yes, definitely talk to her. Who’s idea was it to try this? If you, you need to consider she done this to please you so definitely need a chat to see if this is the case. If she does want to try again, you need to fully chat it through & maybe start slow, building up to harder stuff.
If you are embarrassed to buy toys or chat this through, then it’s maybe not the time to be doing this. From experience, this only works when you have good open communication, set clear boundaries and aren’t afraid to explore with each other.
Sounds like she is just trying to please you and now she felt humiliated. BDSM at 18? Shit. I am not shaming. Been there, done that, and it made me feel absolutely terrible. It drove me into severe depression because i knew it wasn’t going anywhere and I was just being used. If you gf also happened to be late in her cycle she could be hormonal and sensitive and not really up for it.
I just want to say that you are being a good Dom by stopping even though she didn’t use the safe word. People playing the submissive role can become so overwhelmed with sensation and emotion that they may be unable to speak. You realized that the scene was going wrong and took responsibility for ending it.
So did “we” decide to to a BdSM role play?
Or did you decide you wanted to do it, told her how much you wanted to do it, and asked her if it would be okay?
At first she kinda liked it? What makes you think that? How did it go from that to tears without you noticing?
Yes you obviously should talk to her.
<She didn’t even say our safe word and it’s a bit confusing for me,
This is why I really don’t like BDsM. Let’s take a person who obviously really wants to please their partner. Let’s tie them up or hit them because it’s such a turn on and they’ll just tell us if they want to stop. No problem!
Actually It’s really hard to tell someone to stop when it feels like they’re in charge, like they really enjoy something and/or if you want to make them happy.
>especially the fact that she was hugging me very hard and crying in my arms.
She obviously was hurt and even if you didn’t intend to hurt her, sometimes our brains confuse messages from our bodies. She felt physical pain. You did it. Even if she consciously knew you didn’t mean to hurt her, something was probably telling her that you were upset. Plus she knew you wanted to do this. You probably knew she couldn’t take your whole dick so you have this instruction because you wanted to try this. (I’m not saying you’re a terrible person for this interest, but I don’t know if you took her into consideration as much as you should have). So she knew you also wanted to hit her… so all this means… she probably felt like shit. For failing, for getting hit, for not being able to say the word… all of it.
She needs reassurance from you that you don’t need her to enjoy getting hit or deepthroating if that’s not her thing. And that you don’t like making her sad.
Have some nice vanilla sex for a while before you think about doing this again… maybe if you want to try something new, ask her to think of something she might like.
There is a history there somewhere before you met her and that spanking brought her back to it and she doesn’t want to talk about it but probably should
Please please please do research on safe impact play and aftercare. There is a lot of mental preparation that goes into BDSM. Don’t just rely on her to tell you, as she may not know what she needs or understand how she’s feeling, especially if she hasn’t prepared and researched the emotional and mental after effects of this kind of play. Y’all are both so young but went straight into the deep end. Not a good idea.
Who suggested the role play?
Honestly it might have just really physically hurt a belt is no joke
Take the hint
The first time a guy raises his hand to me in any way, I lose trust in him.
I would be dumping OP. There is nothing nice about abuse, and that sounds like abuse
You should talk about it. You could suggest that when she’s ready, you’d like to hear more about what happened. Otherwise it could make things more cold and distant.
Your name isn’t a good safeword. You should use something that you normally wouldn’t use during a sexual situation.
I’m not really into BDSM or whatever but decided we should have safewords anyways. my boyfriend and I use the traffic light system system. Red means full stop do not continue, yellow means I’m good but ease up a little bit, green means I’m all good.
Haven’t had to use them but they’re easy to remember and their meaning is readily apparent and distinctive, unlike saying someone’s name.
My wife and I have a safe word it’s bacon… even when she cries I continue to stay within role once she says the safe word I stop and do after care she always thank me for it later .. but to each it’s own.
I’d say bsdm isn’t for her. She was trying to please you but couldn’t hang.
She hated it. That’s why she is crying. She doesn’t associate your behavior with love. She was trying but and being a trooper but it didn’t work. Yeah you should talk to her. She should under no circumstances feel she has to allow this so you continue to love her.
Dont use your name as a safe word! Names can be used in many ways during sex, you dont want to leave any ambiguity.
Safe words are generally something random like orange, tomato, parrot. Something that would never normally be said during sex but is an easy word to remember.
Make sure you have a chat about this and make sure she knows to use the safe word if shes not comfortable. That you wont be upset with her. It sounds like she’s not fully up to speed on how to communicate during, she needs to stop it if its too much for her. You also need to keep an eye on her, so good on you for realising something wasnt right.
It may be that she doesnt like speaking, occasionally people are uncomfortable verbalising their safe word. If this is the case, discuss a hand signal. Ensure this hand signal is able to be done if any ties are in place.
It probably didn’t even like sex to her, but rather like abuse. Whether this was too intense for her or triggered painful memories, it wasn’t sexy playtime for her anymore.
Belts hurt, a lot. People don’t realize how painful it is to be hit by a belt until they get hit by one. And men’s belts tend to be more bigger, durable and thicker than women’s belts so 8 full hits from that would be like death. Even one hit is enough to make a lot of grown adults cry. Also, it’s very difficult for a lot of women to deep throat a man, even for sexually experienced women. Either you’re blessed with no gag reflex or have to practice a lot. So punishing her for not being able to do something that a good portion of women can to do was absolutely terrible.
You should’ve stopped immediately when you noticed she “kinda liked it.” If you don’t see signs of absolute enthusiasm, you don’t proceed without consent.
Safe word for those who can’t think of one, or always forget them (me)
MEATLOAF
(It means I’ll Do Anything For Love, But I Won’t Do That)
It’s a meaning that is memorable, it’s a common word that has zero sexual connotations that I know of, and a meaning that’s clear.
Honestly it’s the best safe word I’ve ever heard. All jokes and levity aside.
MEATLOAF.
100% part of aftercare is communication. It should also be happening during any scene as it goes forward, especially if this is new. You should also not set up tasks you know she will fail without discussing that ahead of time.
These comments are super harsh on OP, they’re both 18 if y’all forgot, not just the girl who cried. Also, 8 times with a belt is “excessive”? Ok.
“I was supposed to hit her 8 times”, sounds like they were both aware and agreed to me?
Clearly they both messed up by not communicating enough but y’all in here making OP sound like an abuser 😬
I (M) think she was trying to please/participate but left it too late . Think she was hugging you tight as she lives you and wanted reassurance.
Firstly, warm up with your hand, don’t go straight to an implement.
Second, crying isn’t necessarily a bad thing, sometimes that’s just what happens.
And, thirdly, yes, you need to talk about it.
I do all kinds of kinky stuff now in my 30’s but I find it funny that a couple of 18 year olds are already needing to “spice things up” with stuff like this… idk why it strikes me as odd, but I’m all for it. You do you. At 18, fairly vanilla sex wasn’t boring to me yet I guess… more power to ya tho.
please stop doing bdsm it’s gonna better for your guy mentally and physically in the future it’s not a good “kink” i wouldn’t consider it healthy especially at this age
why is she
the
only one getting hurt. Let her hit you back with a belt