I don’t say a lot because I don’t have a lot to say. I don’t have strong opinions because I don’t feel emotions that deeply (probably depression/medications I’m on). I can’t spontaneously come up with jokes or riff off of what other people say. Conversations don’t organically flow with me like they do with other people, and usually wind up just dying out after a bit of small talk. Maybe it’s just not who I am. I look at extraverts, life of the party type people, and get incredibly jealous. Why and how does their mind and brain operate differently than mine? I’m always the third wheel who barely says anything. I feel deficient like I’m lacking humor, interest, or anything that pulls people in. My demeanor is aloof, which I think draws people away. I’m a freshman in college and feel an inability to form meaningful social connections or relationships with other people. Plenty of freshman have already made plenty of friends, etc. And I don’t know how to put myself out there because of all the aforementioned reasons, the key one being my bland personality. Being face to face with someone trying to force a convo gives me anxiety. I feel incredibly lonely and isolated here, and just wish I could hug someone.
PS It’s a vicious cycle, because I feel this way about myself and it probably projects outwards onto other people. I don’t mean to bring the vibe down but it’s not like I choose to… My issues feel unsolvable because I’ve struggled with them for years, whereas my peers seem to manage and thrive just fine naturally.
3 comments
When I was a kid, I went to a classmate’s birthday party. I must’ve been around eleven. At some point my classmate’s mom decides to take us for let’s say ice cream. So we pile in the station wagon and I climb into the far back to be with my thoughts. We get to the ice cream place and start piling outta the car and my classmate’s mom gets startled when I climb out of the back. I was so quiet she didn’t even realize I was there.
That was the story of my life until I started high school when I pledged to myself that I’d quit being in the background so much. I too remember watching the outgoing kids with envy, how it was so easy for them to talk to everyone especially girls lol! I reasoned that I was missing out on a part of life and that unless I did something about it I was doomed.
Since then, I worked hard to develop an outgoing side, something I could turn on whenever I wanted. I first started observing the outgoing kids because that seemed the reasonable place to start. Do what the outgoing kids did. It didn’t always go well, but I had to start somewhere. Then I fought the urge to stay quiet when I wanted to say something to someone. That too didn’t always go well but I got better.
Fast forward to now and I have no problem talking to anybody. In fact, it’s hard to shut me up once I get going. The path to extroversion is complicated to explain. There are so many inflection points that led me there. But if I were asked what’s the most important thing to do, it’s to resist the impulse to retreat. Face your fear. Reject crawling into your shell. Be bold. You will fail. You will feel embarrassed. But these will pass with time and effort.
When you’ve been embarrassed enough times, you learn to laugh at yourself. When you laugh at yourself, when you don’t take yourself too seriously, you develop a sense of ease that appears as an attractive glow and draws people to you.
Finally, I doubt you’re as bland as you think. If you’re an introvert like I am then you’re contemplating and analyzing everything all the time. How can you not have opinions? The problem is you don’t have the skills to articulate your opinions in a way that stirs interest. That’s what you have to work on. It is helpful to imagine what kind of conversation you’d like to have and what it’d actually sound like. That way you can refine the words and phrasing so they come out more smoothly when you have an actual conversation.
I’m exactly the same. I don’t say a lot in group discussions bc I don’t have a lot to say (stuff that could further/better the discussion). Im trying to become more extroverted by making more small talk with people that sit near me. It went fine at the beginning of the school year but now, everyone seems familiar with who they’d talk to so I feel really awkward inserting myself into their conversations.
Am I the only one who likes to stay quiet, reserved and calm.