I (23F) am with my bf (31M) together since 7 years and want kids, house, marriage once we finished university in 2 years. Generally, i think, we are deeply in love and happy. When he met me, i had long natural brown hair. A few years ago i cut them to about chin lentgh for an operation and he did not complain about it. Now they are long again and i want to have a buzzcut because I:
– Love to swim(lakes/seas) and sadly seldom go with head under water because
– will get instantly ill for up to a week if i can’t blow-dry my hair (couldn’t even regulate my body temperature if my life dependet on it)
– do a lot of sport and hiking and its just difficult with the hair sometimes
– Wanted to know how it looks like for years
– Bf never compliments my hair, even tough he does so for other parts of me, so i thought he doesn’t care that much about it
– i never do fancy braidings and when i asked him to learn them and do them for me he said no (rightfully so, of course, if he doesn’t want to)
– he knows all of the above reasons
That’s why i asked him what he thinks about it and he became angry and defensive and said he doesn’t like women with short hair or find them attractive. While i think thats his good right to say, i thought the harshness of it was alot and he did not reassure me that he would not breakup or love me still or anything.
Since i am with him, his body changed alot and i did not care and loved him the same, and for me attraction comes with loving someone. All appearance changes of him I either just got used to or even liked them eventually.
Would i be an asshole if I did it anyway? What should i do?
TL;DR: I want short hair because of several reasons and my boyfriend says he wouldn’t be attracted to me anymore. WIBTA if i would cut it anyways? What shouls i do?
37 comments
Why are you surprised that a man who is so immature that he has to date a woman eight years younger than him starting when she was a fucking TEENAGER is the kind of man who is controlling and who doesn’t respect you at all?
You were 16 and he was 24 when you started dating?
That’s already a red flag
> • will get instantly ill for up to a week if i can’t blow-dry my hair (couldn’t even regulate my body temperature if my life dependet on it)
FWIW this is a totally fake thing. The idea that you can get sick from having wet hair is an old wives’ tale. Enjoy your newfound freedom!
Cut your hair. Never commit yourself to someone who only loves you for how you make them feel.
He loves how you look, not who you are. How shallow and selfish!
Sorry, you lost me at the part where you were 16 when you started dating a 24 year old.
Fuck. Make your hair your own.
Go ahead and cut your hair.
While it’s great to take into consideration your partner’s preferences and accommodate when it’s convenient to do so (ie: oh! You like it when I wear the red dress instead of the green dress! Ok! I will wear the red one more often!) – that’s all it should really be. A consideration. It should not hold you back in life.
You seem to have a strong opinion on this – and it’s just hair. Go ahead and cut it. If he breaks up with you or treats you differently about it, that says more about him than it does about you – and maybe he’s just not your person.
You need to be your own person with your own bodily autonomy and agency. You get to decide what’s right and comfortable for you because you live with yourself much more than he does. And when he’s gone you’ll still be there with yourself. He can say his preference and you can say “Okay. Thank you for your opinion” and then go do what you want.
I’ve actually had this conversation with my girlfriend. I love her hair long. However, she’ll come to me and ask “would you be okay if I cut my hair” and I say the same thing every time. “It’s your hair and you don’t have to ask my permission” and when she cuts it I tell her she’s beautiful and that I love it and we go on about our business because I love her for who she is to me not because of these temporary superficial things.
Bruh he started dating you when he was 23 and you were 16. He’s a creep. He will make every attempt to control you for the rest of your relationship. Cut him faster than you cut your hair. The only reason he’s not dating someone his age is because he knows people his age aren’t as likely to put up with his controlling bullshit. Dump this loser and do whatever you want
that’s exactly why grown a** men date such young women: if you get them when they are still immature and insecure, you’ll be able to manipulate and mold them into the perfect wife for you
that’s why you are over here asking strangers if you should consider keeping your hair long for him when any mature woman who’s had the chance to grow on her own would never even consider that possibility
please listen to those critics, don’t just dismiss what we are saying
and about the hair: cut it, obviously
you don’t have to justify why you want to cut your hair in a certain way to him or anybody else. i’m sorry to be harsh but please cut your hair how you like and cut this controlling, predatory ass man out of your life
I love the shaved head look on myself (23M). My gf (20F) HATES IT on me. (She has seen pictures of me from the past). So solution to problem? I don’t shave my head. Also the only reason I gave that makes sense is that hair gets in the way when being active. There’s ways around this; by tying it up in a bun etc. although I will also say, it’s your body, so do what you want. I would agree that I would find it less attractive if my gf shaved her head; but I would respect her decision to do so and it would not change how I look of her or think of her. If you believe it will change how he thinks of you or sees you, then maybe you should not be with him.
When he met you, you were 16 and he was 24. Of course he’s trying to control you and getting mad at you when you’re not as easy to control as you were when you were a literal child.
While agree with the obvious age problem here. I’m going to temporarily ignore it for the question on hair.
superficial? maybe but everyone has things, preferences. Hair is one of those things that is game changer for a lot of people. Example most men will overlook a bald woman over a woman with longer hair, You can deny it all you want but its a thing.
I find people are more willing to overlook even being obese over hair. My own wife has straight up told me she will not find me attractive if I shave my head. So i never do and i understand it because I would feel the same way if she cut her hair too short. its not a big deal but it is.She does not find bald men attractive and I find women with long hair more attractive.
So i can understand why he doesn’t want to see her with shorter hair and I don’t see it as a controlling issue. My advice would be don’t cut it too short.
Do what you want, it is your hair. And if he is so attached to it, give him what is cut off.
Can you imagine yourself dating a 16 yo right? Yuck. My ex hated me having short hair, and guess what? There’s a reason he’s an ex.
You’re 23 and he’s 31? And you’ve been together for 7 years????
I honestly stopped reading after the tittle.
You do you and if he doesn’t like it…well, take all those red flags and make him a red carpet to the ‘ out of your life’ premier lol
The age gap is a huge issue here, but there is another one. Long term relationships are hard. They often fall apart. If you want one that has a good chance, you need a strong foundation. If his attraction to you is this ridiculously fragile that you having short hair would break it, then you two simply do not have what it takes to have a good, long-lasting relationship. Yes, everyone has their preferences, but if an aesthetic preference like that outweighs your attraction to your long-term partner as a person, then it’s a weak relationship and I simply would not waste my time on it.
On an amusing note, my partner prefers me with short hair, but I get body dysphoria issues with short hair, so I always try to keep it long. It’s not his preference, but it doesn’t strongly affect our relationship.
“Red flaggy” is the fact that he pursued you to begin with.
Cut your hair. Then tell him his body needs to be improved or you won’t be attracted to him anymore. See how that goes.
Choose which is more important to you.
Cut your hair. You want to do it, hair grows back, and this is a great time to see if your BF is actually good with respecting boundaries or if it’s lip service.
Tell him that you heard his concerns, but you’re going to get the buzz cut anyway because it’s your hair and he doesn’t own you. If he gets angry or mean about it, find someone who thinks buzzcuts are hot and chill with them until the hair grows back. You’re in an open relationship!
Or dump him for trying to control your haircut. Your call.
Are you an asshole for exercising body autonomy? No.
Is he really going to leave you over a haircut? Try it and find out.
While I know we have preferences, I’ve been with my spouse 20 years. I’ve seen him thin, fat, long hair, short hair, clean shaven and shaggy. I have a preference, but it’s his body, and I’m attracted to him.
There’s also the possibility that you won’t care for a buzzed look either or will grow tired of it and might choose a different style that suits your lifestyle and preferences.
At the end of the day, YOU have to maintain the hair. He’s not even willing to help learn to style this hair he’s so attached to. That tells you something right there.
Dude, this creeper started dating a 16 year old when he was 24. A whole ass adult.
I think you probably have much bigger issues than this.
None of the men I know who actually love & value their partner as a *person* have ever given a rat’s ass about what they do with their hair. Frankly, no guy I ever met who was worth knowing cared about whether a woman had a short or long hair.
If you want to do it, you should do it. But more importantly listen and watch his reaction. If he is willing to dump you or is mean over a haircut will he be able to stay with you if your body went through changes? It’s a lot of pressure and stress to have a partner who is shallow with physical appearances.
Cut your hair and hopefully he’ll find his way out of this relationship.
You keep defending your age difference and yet you’re here asking strangers if you should cut your hair despite the fact your controlling SO tells you they won’t be attracted to you. So not only is he controlling but he’s also manipulative and abusive. But you’re right. The first red flag you walked on by wasn’t a big deal. However the subsequent ones you’re posting about kinda are. Might wanna reevaluate having children with this person who thinks they have say in what you do with your own body. It only goes downhill from here.
Edit to add: this is what a healthy relationship looks like.
Me: Do you like bangs?
Husband: not really. Not many people can pull them off.
Me: well I want bangs.
Husband: get bangs babe. You’ll look beautiful no matter what. Plus my opinion on bangs doesn’t matter anyway. You might change the way I think about them.
Me: okay. I’m getting bangs tomorrow.
What is even happening? Cut your damned hair if you want. Your boyfriend probably won’t be attracted to you anyway, since you’re not a child anymore. Let this one go, cut your hair. Be free of long hair, and a man who thought it was okay to date a teenager who he wants to control.
I’m no genius, but this math ain’t adding up.
I was married my ex husband was 12 years my senior and he met me with short hair and I grew it out and after years of longer hair I wanted to cut it he acted like it was a issue I didn’t do it for a while but I decided it was what I wanted and it is easier to deal with so one day I decided to go get my hair cut I loved it and I felt way more confident and he even liked it … I had to remind myself it’s my hair and he met me with short hair so he get over it. We good friends now but I now do what makes me feel best about myself and anyone who truly love me wouldn’t stand in my way because it benefits them for me to feel great about me … So I say go for it…
Op just because you’re in an open relationship does not mean your bf can’t be controlling
Time to get a haircut and a boyfriend who isn’t a creep. Of course he’s a controlling loser, that’s why he was dating girls and not women.
U can Do what u want but he can also not like it.
You’re surprised the pedophile is trying to control you?
Im putting a lot of weight on the way you say the conversation went, so be honest with yourself about what he did and didnt say and how he said it. If you asked what hed prefer and he said he preferred your hair longer, but said it wont change anything and you should do whay you want, thats mostly fine.
With the way it was described (and the age gap) his behaviour sounds controlling and toxic… you do you & cut your hair however you like. One of two things will happen – he will be excited for you about your new haircut, and never mention it again except in a positive light. Or, he will continue to make a big deal out of it, stealing your thunder and happiness, weakening your self esteem, and slowly and secretly manipulating you back toward what he wants.
I’ve had women kick up a stink about the way I choose to keep or change my haircut, beard, body hair, etc. Those women are in my psst where they belong.
My mother once told me that if I didn’t keep my legs shaved and my toenails “pretty,” my husband would leave me. After I was done laughing, I told her he should be quick about it then. That is still less ridiculous than every part of this question. If your boyfriend is going to leave you because of the length of your hair, why aren’t you running away? Does he know you’re going to get sick someday? Or even old? He cares so much about your physical appearance that he’s going to threaten your entire relationship if he’s not allowed to control your haircut? Yeah. Besides the predatory behavior of a 24 yo dating a 16 yo—this is literally insane. And when I say “this,” I’m referring to the fact that you’re actually asking this question in public.
My husband prefers my long curly hair and guess what? I’ve had a buzz cut now for a while and I love it. It makes my life so much easier. He still loves me and he is still attracted to me. Just do it anyway and if he can’t see past it, it’s time to move on.
I’m more worried about your comment regarding your eating disorder and your temperature regulation. Are you super underweight? Shave your head and put all your extra time and energy towards getting better.
I don’t know if people are becoming increasingly stupid or what, but since when is an age difference of 8 years (both individuals being over 18) a red flag? I always read such comments and I’m like whaaat.
dump him and find someone who really loves you!