29m virgin. Grew up in a conservative Christian home. Abstinence was the only thing taught to us (I know more now lol). I’ve deconstructed over the years and within the past 1-2years started to realize I dont really have sexual boundaries for myself since I personally dont think the scripture speaks directly to modern dating. Except I guess the basic principle that if it harms someone don’t do it, if its a shared enjoyment and doesnt harm the person then I think its permissible under my views. But that is an issue I dont think is appropriate here, since this is a sex positive sub and not a religous sub. But my confusion is entangled with feeling unsure of what is considered wrong within my own faith. That isnt something I hold on other people at all.
But it has been really confusing. There are hookups, flings, FwB, and waiting till an exclusive relationship. I know this has got to be up to the individual, but for me I just dont know. Yes, I want a longterm relationship, but also I am a 29m virgin who gets an alright amount of matches on dating apps. Like most people with decent libido I want sex and being a virgin at my age makes me a bit on edge about it. I have one side of myself wanting to just try to hookup or fling and I have another side of me telling me I should wait till an exclusive relationship and might regret choices based on my sex drive.
Right now getting on tinder and matching with people for casual dates is tempting, but to what end? Purity culture is hard to completely escape, the feeling of shame is the hardest to overcome. Definitely the feeling that once I have sex outside of marriage I wont tell people, but it will hang over my shoulders becuase I’ll know my family and some friends would want to apprehend me for it.
So trying to figure out what I want and my gut is telling me vs what pressures I am feeling from others that is keeping me from doing what I would otherwise feel comfortable with. And my faith comes into play, which again isnt really something I expect to be something touched on.
I dont think someone can tell me directly what is right for me, but help figuring it out would be nice. If I had a boundary then I would feel more confident and less unsure on my actions.
4 comments
Do you have a good therapist who understands purity culture?
This is a tough question, of course. Biblical sexual ethics came out of a world of extreme patriarchy* and most Christian sexual ethics that followed were highly influenced by heteronormativity and homophobia. Not holding those things up as values any longer, those of us who might want to still act in moral/ethical ways that grow out of our religion… aren’t quite sure what to do. I mean, we’re not getting married off puberty as in the biblical days and we’re not trying to imbibe the harmful poison of “purity” culture… but what then?
Perhaps its a question of vulnerability and protection. Maybe what we do is recognize our vulnerabilities and honor them and recognize the vulnerabilities of others and do our best to protect them. What does that look like? I think it’s going to be different in every circumstance. Does that leave room for “hook-ups”? Maybe. But I think it will be worth considering the circumstance and position of the people involved.
(*Biblical sexual norms are crazy! There’s polygamy. There are harems. There’s banging your father-in-law because he tried to screw you out of your rights. There’s asexuality lifted up. What were David and Jonathan up to, anyway? What kind of relationships does the NT have in mind when we read our homophobic tendencies into them? Anyway….)
it was a long post, i only read about half way because i never understood purity culture or saving yourself. All i gotta say is whoever you lose your v card to, they wont mind helping you figure things out, you’ll also catch up quickly.
Have fun and use condoms !
I think you need to find a serious relationship with another virgin whom you can experiment with.