He was my first love, best friend, and we started dating at age 18 (24 now). He was pretty understanding of my personal mental health challenges but struggled with being emotionally available, vulnerable and honest due to having been abused emotionally by a parent. He was also very closed off and didn’t let many people in at all, which weighed on me because I was basically his only emotional and social outlet. On the flip side he was very attentive with me and I seldom doubted that he loved me: great with acts of service, etc. To be honest, the codependent part of me also got reassurance that I was the “one” to get through to him (his family would often cite the onset of our relationship as the reason he started being a lot more pro-social, more motivated, happier, etc).
The nail in the coffin was that he carried around so much shame and fear of abandonment that he repeatedly lied to me— usually when something happened he was ashamed of, would disappoint me, etc. While I understand where this came from, he told bold faced lies straight to my face multiple times. He would really commit to them too, and not fess up unless basically confronted with evidence. Nothing like cheating AFAIK, but each time it happened I would try to tell him that the lying was a bigger problem than the “offense”, that I couldn’t stay if he kept lying, and explained how hurt and betrayed it made me feel. I even asked if there was anything I could do to make him feel more comfortable with telling me the truth but he wouldn’t give me much during these conversations, just kind of clam up in shame and apologize… and then it would happen again. Even though he’s been in therapy!
What sucks is that I’m sure my own insecurities and behaviors enabled his lying— for example, at the beginning of the relationship I could be pretty reactive and jealous (have my own CPTSD which I have been working on in therapy, and has improved the overall harmony of our relationship s lot). Despite this, it got to the point where if I was honest with myself, there was too much water under the bridge. Knowing that he could so easily lie to my face could not be forgotten, and even if I forgave him, I just knew it would cause problems down the line. I came into the relationship with some trust issues from my childhood, and being with someone who I KNEW could lie like a reflex would slowly eat away at me.
Despite this, I’m still really doubting myself. I still love him and he’s still my best friend. I’m afraid I’ll always wonder if I should have or could have done more. It fills me with so much panic and jealousy thinking of him being with someone else— maybe they will be healthy enough that he will feel comfortable being honest 🙁 I feel so heartbroken and honestly shocked that I really broke up with him. I just rode a wave of motivation to rip off the bandaid— I don’t think it’s ever easy to break up with someone you love.
Anyways, has anyone ever been with someone who was a good person overall but had a problem with lying? Did I give up too soon, or am I right that it was likely too far gone? Thanks everyone ❤️
Tl;dr; BF of 5 years felt like my soulmate in many ways but couldn’t stop lying to me despite multiple confrontations. Was I in the wrong for leaving?
2 comments
You did the right thing in breaking up with him. You gave him 5 years and numerous chances to stop lying — you definitely didn’t “give up too soon.” Regular lying is not okay in a partner. You can’t go through life wondering what your partner is lying about and not being able to trust what he says. I’m sorry for how much this is sucking for you right now. But you were right: his constant lying is a deal breaker, full stop, no way around it. Even if somehow this is his wakeup call that he needs to really work on himself and stop lying (unlikely, since it’s such a deep seated issue), he *never* would have done it if you stayed with him and kept accepting it.
Someone who lied for five years won’t stop lying. Someone who lied for five years then got dumped, ***might***. Someone who lied for five years, got dumped, but got taken back? Won’t.
You might have made him better for a future partner with the shock, but he won’t change for you. Now you can go find someone who is great in all the same ways (or different ones!), and also *respects you* enough not to lie to you.