My fiance and I have been together for about 5 years now, living together for 4, and engaged for just shy of 1 year.
When we first met, he had just completed a Peace Corps type job that kept him in our state, but working out in nature (state parks, trails, etc). He was incredibly charming, charismatic, and confident. He was someone who was always in a good mood, friendly and ready for anything.
Throughout the course of our relationship, he has had a few career changes. His first job (after the Peace Corps style job) had a terrible schedule, from 4am-2pm, and he was tired and miserable, so I supported him in his job search. He eventually found a job that he stuck with for about 3 years, he was progressing well and making good money. Despite this, he would come home and vent to me about how much he hated it for hours at a time (no exaggeration, he would come home ~6pm, and ruminate until we went to bed at ~10pm). I tried be supportive, reminding him it’s not healthy to perseverate so much, suggested he see a therapist, suggested a job change, etc. He took my advice about switching careers, and he got a job in the trades with great benefits, great pay, and good hours. It’s been about a year since he switched over to this trade job, and he is starting his old pattern again. Coming home, venting, letting his hatred for the job dominate his thoughts and feelings.
At this point I realize it’s probably not the job that he hates, but just a cyclical pattern of negative behavior. I literally do not know what else I can do for him. I try to listen, but I can’t listen to his talk about how much he hates his job for 4-5 hours a day. We don’t do anything else. He declines ideas for date nights, getting out of the house, and just wants to sit around and be miserable. It’s impacting my mental health at this point and I have tried to put boundaries in place for it to stop, but he won’t. He refuses to see a therapist or talk to a doctor about it, and I really just am at a loss of what to do for him.
Some additional points: One, we are both financially independent, so it’s not a money thing. Two, he is still the same happy-go-lucky person with his friends. I feel cheated out of the person I thought he was when we first got together. They see the best of him, and I get the miserable lump on the couch who is constantly complaining.
To make things even more complicated, we’re in the middle of closing on a house and he has to stick to this job until we close, but he’s saying he doesn’t know if he can make it through the next month.
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**tl;dr**: My fiance is miserable at work, no matter what kind of job he has, and it dominates our lives. I feel so stuck.
11 comments
Show him this, show him how you feel and how nervous you are and how you feel like you have lost your best friend.
He is using you as a therapist already, I don’t see what the big deal is just to talk to a different person who is able to offer more solutions and ways to deal with stress and think out of the box.
If he is still adamant, perhaps he can consider speaking to a life coach instead.
Does he have any hobbies or friendship groups that he does on his own? Usually these are also activities where people can relieve stress, and you didn’t mention it.
>They see the best of him, and I get the miserable lump on the couch who is constantly complaining.
That’s because he’s made you his default emotional dumping ground. He vents all this toxic shit onto you, (and you’re supposed to do *what* with it, exactly?!) and then enjoys himself talking to his friends. Is that really a position you want to be in?
Bottom line is that your fiancé needs to find healthy coping mechanisms that do not involve you or other people (unless he’s paying a therapist to listen to his bullshit, that is), or you need to end this relationship. Because what are you actually getting out of it right now other than all this negativity?
He’s clearly depressed, and if he refuses to see a therapist, the root cause will never be addressed. Don’t marry someone who won’t treat their mental health and just dumps everything on you rather than being a good partner.
If nothing else, bail on buying a house with this man . He needs to sort out his life/job/coping mechanisms because it sounds like he is making your life miserable. Buying a house together will severely complicate the situation if you decide to throw in the towel.
You’ve been so focused on how you should be supporting his emotional needs, that you’ve all but forgotten that he’s also supposed to be supporting yours.
So yeah, it’s completely ok to *not* be ok with him monopolizing your every free moment so that he can take a big nightly stress dump on you. Dude needs to learn other, much healthier and more considerate coping methods for unclogging his emotional pipes.
This process starts with you setting a boundary. Something like: “Honey, I hear you that work is stressing you TF out. But talking about your work stress is stressing *me* TF out. So I need to limit all our work-related discussions to…<never, 15 min, once a week, or whatever frequency you legit want to handle>.”
If he can’t or won’t accept a reasonable boundary (or says he will, but quickly falls back into old habits), then you’ll have to make a decision about whether this relationship is worth working on, and if so, figure out if he’s genuinely willing to work on it like with couples counseling.
Please do not buy a home with this man, OP.
The thing is, YOU cannot fix him. He has to want to change and he doesn’t care to. He’s already made that clear. He won’t see a therapist or talk to anyone, because he’s quite fine dumping all of his stress onto you. Not just the emotional stress, but he literally mused about leaving his job when you’re trying to close on a house!
This is not going to change. You’ve made it clear that he shouldn’t be doing this and yeah, he stops just long enough to get you off his back about it, then he resumes. So he’s aware of what he’s doing.
Sounds like my soon to be ex wife. She was miserable in her first 3 jobs, 4th also started terribly but in time she become respected and even loved by everyone, so she loves her job now. Do you know what changed in our relationship? Nothing! It’s not about whether the work is good or bad, it’s about your partner letting their work have such an immense effect over your relationship. My ex drained me for years, and after her work got better we had a talk. I told her she’d either start putting more effort into our relationship, or it was over for us, you can guess which one she chose.
My husband was the same stuck in a rut. I eventually had to tell him he either fixed by going to therapy or he would have to stop
Can I just say, I am in love with your use of words. I was intrigued at ‘perseverate’ and simply aflutter at ‘cyclical’.
Wow……You are up a Creek with a Miserable Complainer, dear. And with Age, He will only worsen. He will take all of his frustrations out on you and save the happy boy face for his friends because they actually do make him feel better. On top of That, He is not even sure he can hold OUT until the closing of this house. I also see a Job Jumper scenario here. I would not want to be with someone like this and closing on a House….I would second think that. Talk to him about backing out maybe of this closing before it is too late. Don’t be stuck with a mortgage and a miserable man for the rest of your happy life. Do something, please!!!! You have a Ball-Ing and Chain Pain on your hands.
Job hoppers do it because where ever they go, there they are. He cannot job hop to fix himself.